This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“I figure, if this acting thing ever fizzles out, I could definitely see myself having a career in S&M clubs or something.”

— Ben Affleck

Photo of the Week

Captain Stubing’s cruise through the Persian Gulf was ill-advised.

Breast Stroke

When I was in eighth grade, all the guys decided they wanted to be gynecologists. Surprisingly enough, they abandoned these ambitions after realizing that gynecology was less about fingering Melissa Ramirez, and more about ministering to aged and diseased cooch. Too bad they didn’t live in Parkal, India, where a thirteen-year-old boy can dream of feeling up chicks for a living. This week, a swami named Gottimukkala Babu Rao was arrested for rubbing women’s breasts to help them get pregnant. He claimed to have been blessed in this endeavor by the Hindu god Shiva (who, appropriately enough, has a thousand arms in some incarnations). It’s puzzling that Rao didn’t take the next logical — and scientifically proven — step to induce pregnancy, but he must have been good at what he did. When he was taken away, the arresting officer was harangued by female devotees who were upset that the police were interfering with their, um, treatment. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Incomprehensible! starring Colin Farrell

“The only reason I did the film was because there’d be a Bullseye doll, so I could play with myself and not put my hand down my pants.”

Translation below.

British Soldiers in Barebacking Shocker!

After dodging bullets, inhaling sand and praying to stave off deep-vein thrombosis, a British military regimen interrupts their first shower in days to pose for a tasteful nude shoot in the London supermarket tabloid The Sun. Because the Bruce Weber and Abercrombie & Fitch jokes have already been made by several more timely publications called “blogs,” TWIS will salute the troops in silent American tradition: by becoming uncomfortable and/or sexually aroused.

I Shagged Her Rotten

“Pop is one thing; anthems of necrophilia are another.” That’s what Leo Abse, a member of British parliament, said in the 1970’s during a failed attempt to ban Alice Cooper, the glam-rock icon turned golf enthusiast, from the country’s chilly shores. Today, more serious attempts are being made to separate the conjoined triplets that are rock ‘n’ roll, the British and necrophilia. With the Metheuselan Rolling Stones still touring and horny as ever, it’s no terrible shock that the British government plans to criminalize sexual intercourse with cadavers. According to a clause in the forthcoming Sexual Offences Bill, morticians will be exempt from prosecution, as will those who penetrate any part of a dead body “fully believing the person to be alive, but who is in fact dead, or unexpectedly dies during intercourse”. Okay, wait. Morticians CAN have sex with corpses? Why? — Grant Stoddard

The War at Home

Minutes later, the U.S. Marines turned their attention to toppling statues in the center of Los Angeles.

Incomprehensible! starring Colin Farrell, Answer Key

He played a character named Bullseye in Daredevil. An action figure was made in his likeness, thus allowing Farrell to “play with himself” without putting his hands in his pants. Geddit?

The Last Laugh

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. British entertainers are welcomed into the US of A., then, just as their stateside careers are taking off, they don funny clothes, take out their penises and get into all sorts of trouble with the law. First it was Ozzy Osbourne, who urinated all over the Alamo. (He was wearing Sharon’s hat, dress and high heels at the time.) Now, it’s comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, star of HBO’s Da Ali G Show. While taping a segment for the show, Cohen (in character as Borat, a Kazhakstan TV reporter) was getting a massage from an Arizona mystic.The masseur left the room, then returned and found the thirty-one-year-old comedy god seemingly masturbating under a sheet. The New Age dunderhead screamed and put in a call to the five-o. Cohen and his crew made a swift getaway, but a cop pulled them over. As four more police cars arrived and one officer pulled a gun, Cohen replied in his character’s heavy accent: “I did not touch my chram!” Police allowed the crew to return to their hotel room before reporting downtown
for questioning. The wily funsters dashed for
the airport and high-tailed it out of town. A legislative gem from the state that took ten years to approve Martin Luther King Day: sex in public carries a possible two-year jail term — as does carrying concealed irony. — Grant Stoddard

Love Bites

Nightclubs are really awful. They just are. Especially Euro nightclubs. (Let’s face it, they may have social democracy and international negotiations down, but they can’t dance.*) Now, as if the shitty beer and the Adidas track-suit crowd hopping in place like their knees are their only joints weren’t enough, you have to worry about some skeeve dropping his false teeth down your shirt. Tina Lange was leaving a disco in Mannheim, Germany, when some come-here-often-Night-at-the-Roxbury type whispered to her: “I hope we’ll see each other again.” As if hot perve-breath in her ear weren’t gross enough, Tina felt the dude drop something down her shirt. She figured it was his phone number. Turns out Tina didn’t give this smooth operator enough credit: when she got outside and fished the mystery object from between her breasts, she discoverd it was a set of dentures. Said an unfazed Tina: “if he wants his teeth back, he’ll have to ring me.” Does that mean she actually gave him her number? Tina, come on! Holding out for a guy who doesn’t drop teeth down your shirt isn’t being too picky! — Carrie Hill Wilner

*Brits excluded. They fuck up international relations and are passable dancers.

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