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April 12, 2002

Ho Jo’s, A No-Go

The Southern Baptist Convention, the nation’s largest Protestant group, is boycotting the Howard Johnson hotel franchise during its annual meeting because of one hotel’s plan to host a “private sex bash.” The Baptists were referring to the three-day “Beat Me in St. Louis” seminar being held at the end of the month by BDSM educational group St. Louis Leather and Lace.

    

Leather and Lace representatives did not respond to e-mailed requests for comment. Possibly because they were too busy negotiating a lucrative deal on studded leather goods for the Vatican.

Starlight EXXXpress

When it comes to complaining, Americans make no bones about kicking up a storm. Your average Brit will internalize frustrations and fume ’til red in the face, while a Mediterranean is more inclined to employ sweeping arm gestures to connote his or her displeasure. But these methods of belly-aching pale in comparison to the Scandinavians.

    

In an incident that may or may not have origins in a discarded Monty Python skit, police in Norway allege they caught a man trying to escape naked on a single roller skate after he attacked the woman who was delivering his newspaper. Stunned Nordic coppers believe he was angry with the number of advertising flyers inside his Moss Dagblad paper. Apparently, earlier that week the alleged attacker had called up the paper and berated them for the number of inserts inflicted upon him.

    

And now for something completely different . . .

A Welsh Rare Bit

A Welsh barkeeper has banned government-mandated coasters from his watering hole—because they are too rude. The photograph displayed on the beer mats shows a man in his underpants stretching a condom and bears the slogan, “protect your prop forward.” (For the unsophisticated readers, a “prop forward” is a position in a rugby squad).

    

Prudish publican Kevin McArdle complained, “I’ve put up with selling condoms with stupid flavors but I just feel strongly that this is going too far. Not everybody is at it. We cater to families and children.”

    

Quite right, too. McArdle shouldn’t have to worry about helping to educate his countrymen about their sexual well-being when there are thirsty seven-year-olds waiting to be served.

Quotes of the Week

“On a scale of one to ten, I’d give him a twenty. He’s all man.”

Val Kilmer’s current squeeze, Ines Misan, valiantly attempting to quash rumors that Ricky Martin has been “shaking his bon bon” for the hombres. Ex-model Misan had an affair with the Latino songbird in 1997.


“It was horrible having a beautiful mother when I was a kid. I had boyfriends in high school who wanted to have sex with my mother. I’m not going to blame mom for being beautiful, but it was gross.”

Clementine Ford, daughter of Cybill Shepherd


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©2002 Grant Stoddard and Nerve.com, Inc.