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April 13, 2001

FuckedCompany.com

Like just about everything else in the Land of the Rising Sun, the Japanese life insurance industry has fallen on hard times of late, with five major companies going belly-up in the past year alone, resulting in a total loss of more than 160 trillion yen in contracted policies (that’s about 1.3 billion dollars). All of which means the loss of thousands of jobs — the last thing they need in this already-depressed nation. But fear not: according to a report in the weekly magazine Shukan Gendai, Japan’s top insurance salespeople have landed on their feet — er, sort of — with just the kind of occupational shift you’d expect from an insurance flak. They’ve become prostitutes.

    

Well, no, not all of them, of course. But according to the magazine, Japan has long celebrated its “Seiho Redi” — the “life insurance ladies” who have a reputation (deserved or otherwise) for throwing in a few extra, uh, bonus features as needed to sell a policy. And now, apparently, many of the Seiho Redi have cut the policy crap out of the deal entirely, moving directly into the sex trade: the magazine talked to a number of former insurance ladies who’ve become full- or part-time call girls, as well as one massage parlor operator who said, “Lately, we’ve been interviewing quite a few office types. When I ask what is their work experience, they say they were selling insurance.”

    

Not everyone’s lost their insurance job. According to the article, thirty-year-old “Yuko” still sells insurance by day, but works as a call girl by night — and she’s found that the crossover has helped both her vocations. “I meet all kinds of men in this business,” says Yuko, “and talking with them has given me more ideas about how to sell insurance.”

Watson, Come

A hundred years we’ve had the telephone — more than that, even — and we’re finally just learning how to use it. Oh sure, folks figured out right away how to waste half their teen years chit-chatting, and pizza delivery probably came not too long after that. But only now, what with phone sex and Net porn, only now are people truly beginning to grasp the possibilities of Alexander Graham Bell’s talking contraption as a highly tuned sexual tool. And in Austria, they’ve just taken a giant leap forward in that regard.

    

A chain of erotic shops in Vienna has launched an emergency dial-a-condom service in Vienna. That’s right: just pick up the phone and the store sends a bike messenger with a pocket full of rubbers out to your home on Friday and Saturday nights during the high-volume hours of 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. (they’ve obviously focus-grouped this). According to Ananova.com, anyone within a fifteen-minute ride of one of the shops is within delivery range. Just don’t stiff the delivery guy.

File Under: News That Isn’t

You know, the boys in blue take so much crap from the public — donut jokes, constant villification, Springsteen songs — that it’s nice, every now and then, to be reminded that, Hey, some of these guys are pretty damned good at what they do. Take the Amherstview, Ontario, police department, for example. Those guys probably don’t have much to do most of the time, being that they’re in Amherstview and all. But last week, out of the blue, a crime wave hit (well, that is, a crime), and Johnny Law finally had a chance to strut his stuff.

    

Apparently, someone broke into a magazine shop in town — just smashed the glass door and bulled his way in, the animal, grabbing a handful of titles before escaping unseen. But the Amherstview cops always have their eyes peeled, and it wasn’t too long before they found the thirteen offending titles (and we use that word deliberately, as most of them, according to Constable Andy Glazin, were “kind of dirty”). According to the British Ananova.com news site (yep, Canadian porn theft is international news now), the shrink-wrapped magazines were later found stashed under a bush in the front yard of a nearby home, and while the police don’t have any concrete evidence — no witnesses, no photos, no surveillance cameras — they’re pretty sure that their suspect is (are you ready for this?) a male suspect between fourteen and eighteen years old. Yes, the Great Amherstview Porn Heist was perpetrated by a horny teenager. Now that’s policework, eh?

Quote of the Week

“When I made the confession, her response was, ‘I would rather you were dead.’ I replied, ‘I knew you’d understand.'”




Nathan Lane in Out magazine, on coming out to his mother.


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.