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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“I didn’t think they’d pump me up so much I’d pop like a balloon at a kid’s birthday party.”

— Female victim of faulty butt implants.

Image of the Week

A garden center’s nude statues proved a bit too racy for some folks in Hartsville, Tennessee.

When Bad Things Happen to . . . Flashers

If one of the more particular pleasures of being a high school girl,
especially a uniformed high school girl, in a big city is that a
variety of men see fit to subject you to their shrivelly penises — on public transport, in phone booths, etc. — it shouldn’t surprise us when, every now and then, an offender gets hurt. Everyone knows that you do not ever fuck with Catholic school girls; they keep razorblades in their mouths. That said, it still sucks to be Mr. Rudy Susando of Philadelphia, PA.

Mr. Susando, who spent about six weeks jumping out from behind a truck and exposing himself to the blade-slinging she-warriors of God at Maria Goretti High School for girls, was tackled by the girls, held down while they waited for the police, and kicked repeatedly when he resisted. He’s been sentenced to a year in prison and five years probation, and faces possible deportation to his native Indonesia at the end of his sentence. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Newswire

New DVD player filters sex, violence and profanity.

Women who clean have higher sex drives.

Doctor claims sex is good for arthritis pain.

Thirteen-year-old girl given permission to begin gender-reassignment surgery.

Scotland’s first topless barbershop set to open.

HIV infiltrates adult industry for the first time in four years.

Tigger Happy

Disney World is a sick, sick place, and not just because it’s secretly run by the CIA. Recently, complaints have been pouring in about Tigger (a.k.a. Michael Chartrand, a.k.a. the guy in the Tigger suit) groping women who posed for photographs with him. While there’s always the possibility that a bulky costume could make a character’s actions easy to misinterpret, complaints like “his hands were over her breasts in a cupped-type position for about one minute” leave little room for interpretation.

It’s a bit perplexing as to why anyone would let Tigger feel on them for a full minute, but according to most of the felt-upon, they didn’t quite believe that Tigger would be capable of anything inappropriate. One woman who was held in a perplexing embrace in front of her three-year-old was prompted to explain the behavior with “I guess Tigger likes Mommy.” This is perhaps the only situation in the world in which a man in a full-body tiger costume would be given the benefit of the doubt. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Impotence Drugs in the News

Scientists have developed a drug that induces erections in rats without dangerous side effects. The news comes as a great relief to TWR, as we we’ve grown accustomed to falling asleep to the sound of rodents fornicating in our walls. Scientists hope the new drug will work for men who don’t respond to the current crop of impotence drugs. Unlike other remedies (Viagra, Levitra, Cialis) for erectile dysfuntion, that target muscles in the genital area, this new drug targets brain mechanisms (namely, dopamine receptors) that control arousal.

Levitra update: the drug’s advertisers finally realized that Mike Ditka and the old football in the hole metaphor might not be the best way to promote their product. Genius.

Pfizer, maker of the reigning penis-picker-upper, is now offering a free seventh refill of Viagra to men who have already filled the prescription six times. Free erections are hard to beat. Actually, on second thought, they’re easy to beat. Ba-dum-bum. — Sarah Harrison

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