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Dongino Theory

In Pleiku, Vietnam, inspectors from the Culture and Information Department swooped down on two construction material shops and seized Chinese-made tiles decorated with images of nude women. The department wants the local government to fine the owners ten million dong (US $650) each for “distributing depraved cultural items.” Fearing that the tiles may have an undesirable effect on the country’s ten million dongs, the intrepid saviors of traditional values intend to hunt down any that were already sold.

Great Balls of Fire

A surgeon was removing a mole on a Danish man’s buttocks with an electric knife when, in a spontaneous and profound critique of hospital food, the man broke wind, lighting a spark. His genitals, having been washed with surgical spirits, promptly caught fire. He’s suing the hospital for pain and suffering and loss of income. “When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell,” claimed the flatulent patient.

Rave from the Grave

The owners of a sex shop in Margate, England, claim ghosts haunt their store by throwing bras and panties on the floor. The staff of Pillow Talk arrive most mornings to find it in a mess. Manager Alan Butler thinks the shop is haunted by the employees of a brothel which once stood on the site. He told reporters it wouldn’t be so bad if they cleaned up after themselves: “It doesn’t matter how tidy we leave the place — it’s wrecked by the next day. It’s like an orgy’s taken place.”

It’s Not Easy Being Green

Environmentalists in California are calling for a ban on the herbicide atrazine amid concerns about human health. According to the study, the chemical can turn male tadpoles into hermaphrodites — frogs with both male and female sexual characteristics. In adult males, the herbicide lowers levels of the sex hormone testosterone below that of female frogs. Miss Piggy is said to be inconsolable.

Physical Graffiti

Ohio bar patron Kimberly Ricksecker is suing for libel after comments about her alleged promiscuity were posted around her local bar. The Lantern is known for allowing patrons to scrawl bawdy graffiti on its porch. The bar’s owner, Peggy Jones, described Ricksecker as a regular customer who has also written graffiti in the Lantern’s women’s room. “Go in the women’s room, you’ll see ‘For a good time, call  . . .’ Am I going to get sued for that, too?” Jones said. Unfortunately for her, it would appear that the writing is on the wall.

Nature Boy

Actor Rhys Ifans gave schoolchildren a shock when filming his new movie, Human Nature. Ifans spends most of the film in the nude, playing a character who has been brought up in the jungle. “I was whizzing about the set naked, on a scooter, and I veered too far from the unit base. Suddenly there were all these schoolchildren on a nature trek. The teachers were herding them down the hill, away from the long-haired naked man, and I’m shouting, ‘It’s all right, it’s all right, I’m an actor. That doesn’t really work in L.A., where there are loads of guys shouting ‘I’m an actor’ all the time. People just think ‘Oh God, another looper.'”

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