This Week in Sex

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This Week in Sex   

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April 21, 2000

Ling-Ling Lovin’

Talk about performance anxiety. Chinese zoologists, concerned with the

long-term survival of panda bears, have begun focusing all their attention

on getting the endangered animals to mate. The problem is that the giant,

snuggly beasts aren’t too into sex. When they do get it on, the

male pandas generally don’t last longer than twenty seconds (ladies, count

your blessings) — hardly long enough to ensure reproductive success. But now

Chinese scientists are pulling out the big guns. Skipping past such

time-tested favorites as cheap wine and Marvin Gaye, the scientists are going straight for the hard stuff: Viagra and porn.


According to Britain’s Times, male pandas can last up to twenty minutes after downing one of the magical blue pills, greatly increasing the chances of impregnation. Still, panda handlers are skeptical that increased libido and staying power alone will do the trick. Zhang Hemin, director of

the Wolong panda center in the central province of Sichuan, says that the

scientists experimented with traditional Chinese aphrodesiacs in the

mid-’90s, and that while the animals’ sex drive did improve, “They also

became hot-tempered and attacked the females. That obviously wasn’t so

good.” Continued Zhang, “The real problem is that many pandas do not know

how to mate.”


Ah, but Zhang and his team are way ahead of that problem. According to

another report, this one in the Sydney Morning Herald, the Wolong

scientists have begun screening what Zhang calls “mating videos” for pandas

with lazy libidos. Yep — panda porn. Coming soon to a Blockbuster near you.

Rainbow Over Vermont

They call it the Green Mountain State, but Vermont is looking pinker by the

day. Last December, you may recall, the state’s Supreme Court ordered the legislature

to extend the legal benefits of marriage to same-sex couples. Now, a bill that would create the closest thing in America to gay marriage has been approved by the state Senate with a decisive 19-11 margin, virtually assuring its passage into law. The bill, which Gov. Howard Dean

has already said he’d sign, would entitle gay couples to all three hundred or so

rights available under state law to traditional married couples, while also

burdening those couples with the legal responsibilities associated with

marriage. Though there’s no guarantee that other states will recognize the

unions, gay couples in Vermont will be able to obtain a license from their

town clerks, then have their unions certified by a judge or a clergy member.

Rod for a Rod

Douglas Chin has put up with the thriving sex trade in San Francisco’s

Mission District for ten long years, and he’s hoppin’ mad about it. Or more

accurately, throwin’ mad.


Chin was arrested last month for hurling eight-inch-long pieces of reinforcing metal — you know, the stuff they use to strengthen concrete — from the roof of a convent near his Capp Street home. His target? The cars of men who come to the area to pick up prostitutes. According to

the San Francisco Chronicle, the forty-five-year-old freelance

electrical engineer says he’s been throwing the rebar for the past year more as

a deterrence to the johns than as a punishment, insisting, “I didn’t want to injure anyone.” Now

a judge has ruled that he must stand trial on felony charges of assault and

throwing objects at moving vehicles, for which he could face up to seven

years in prison. His planned appeal to whatever jury he may face? “Do you

do what is legally correct and find me guilty, or do you do what is morally

correct and find me innocent?” Smart money says . . . ?

Quotes of the Week

“Women my age aren’t allowed to be sexy, and I think that’s nonsense. When a woman is over forty and attractive and strong, then she must be evil . . . or terribly frustrated.”

— Forty-five-year-old actress Kathleen Turner, currently

starring as Mrs. Robinson in a London stage production of The


“We cannot expect the conventional from Garbo, but we can expect fantasy

from Mercedes. I knew my aunt as someone tremendously focused on


Gray Horan, great-niece of film legend Greta Garbo, on

speculation that the star’s letters to lesbian friend Mercedes de Acosta

prove that Garbo was herself a lesbian.

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©2000 Dan Reines and Nerve Publishing