This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Prick of the Week!

Congratulations, Sen. Rick Santorum! For making comments to the Associated Press equating homosexuality to incest and polygamy, claiming gay sex is a threat to society and the family, and saying, “I have no problem with homosexuals, I have a problem with homosexual acts,” you’ve been voted TWIS‘s inaugural Prick of the Week. (Note: TWIS has no problem with bigots — we have a problem with acts of bigotry, especially when they’re committed by high-ranking political officials and disguised as conservative dogma.) And Rickster, don’t worry about defending your title — it automatically renews . . .

Quotes of the Week

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think I was going to talk about ‘man on dog’ with a United States senator. It’s sort of freaking me out.”

— Associated Press reporter Lara Jakes Jordan during an April 7 interview with Santorum, who cited “man on child” and “man on dog” as socially undesirable relationships during his discussion of homosexuality.

“Cutting grass and getting an even tan.”

— Sixty-seven-year-old Georgia resident Richard Carman, when asked by police what he was doing. Carman was sitting nude on a riding lawnmower in his back yard at the time.

Separated at Birth?

Richard Carman (a.k.a. “Flesh Garden”), allegedly indecent lawn-care specialist, and Sam the Eagle, a Muppet.

Storm in a Teacup

You know when you go to grab a cup of coffee by yourself because you want to finish The Executioner’s Song and you can’t at home because your roommate is playing the fifth track from the new White Stripes over and over again at an unreasonable volume? Naturally, the second you sit down with your drink, some couple sits next to you and starts being all cute. Suddenly your concentration is interrupted by fantasies of pouring scalding coffee on them and singing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” at the top of your lungs to drown out their screams.

    Well, if it makes you feel better, odds are their relationship isn’t going to last. In fact, the hapless male might be a victim of the Chinese Love Mafia. One of the ringleaders of that notorious, well, ring, was apprehended in Haidan province last week. After placing a personal ad to meet men, this criminal mastermind would suggest the guys meet her at a local teashop (a failing teashop which she happened to own — two details she cleverly omitted from her ad). Ms. Carmen Sandiego would then order the most expensive items on the menu, make some excuse, bolt from the premises and leave the poor guy with the bill. This happened again and again, until one suitor realized that this was extortion, not just grade-A bitchery. The woman’s fatal misstep was asking her kitchen staff to rough up the guy, who asked for a discount on his meal. Which is, in all honesty, is pretty gauche on a first date, even if your girl doesn’t have hired goons. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Celebrity Sexposé #1

“Who says I need a man? I have three dogs, two horses and five sisters.”

— Gisele Bundchen alludes to a post-modeling career in German porn.

The Iceman Cometh (Or Not)

This week, we discovered that dozens of women are clamoring to bear the children of a man older than Dana Carvey’s stand-up act: He died more than 5,000 years ago. In 1991, the body of “Otzi the Iceman” was discovered in a glacier high in the Italian Alps. This week, the director of the museum that exhibits the body said that many woman have requested to utilize the contents of Otzi’s ancient bag and bear his kids. Apparently, all of the requests have been turned down, not least because Otzi’s plumbing had rotted long before Keith Richards started to.

    Interesting background: Otzi was found half emerged from a partly melted block of ice; his body was first thought to be that of a modern climber or Sonny Bono’s continental counterpart. But the goatskin leggings and grass cape he wore were not part of the Spring ’88 Versace collection but, in fact, haute couture from a land before time. Otzi’s copper-headed axe and a quiver full of arrows were found nearby, and radio-carbon dating provided an approximate age of his body.

    As for Otzi’s ability to make the modern ladies warm for his form, the prospect of reproducing with an ancient lifeform sounds a bit Jurassic Park to us. But hey, if Catherine Zeta-Jones can have the offspring of a man from another epoch, why can’t everyone? — Grant Stoddard

News Quiz!

This week, a court granted a couple in Sondershausen, Germany, a divorce four days after their wedding because:

a. the husband had sex with one of the bridesmaids during the wedding party

b. the wife had already moved in with a new lover

c. the wife revealed she had lost her virginity to David Hasselhoff

d. the husband had insisted on smoking a pipe during sex

Scroll down for answer.

The Gooey Decimal System

Every now and then, someone makes a big fuss about porn being viewed in public libraries. Granted, witnessing that sort of booty browsing is not pleasant — especially when some overenthusiastic type won’t leave once his half-hour is up and snaps at the kids waiting to play “Oregon Trail” or look at their own porn or whatever. But what if we took a cue from Romania? The tired, porn-starved, huddled masses could get their kinky sex jollies without a computer, and our country would be a better place. Like Romania. This week, the County Library in Timisoara announced plans to use a portion of its tiny acquisition budget to purchase porn magazines. Why? To reinvigorate the library’s dowdy image. (Perhaps they’re hoping that once you’ve perused the sticky pages of a jizz-mag, you might stumble upon a dusty copy of War and Peace.) Of course, the library plans to stock old favorites like Playboy, but they also want to serve more esoteric tastes with titles like Body and Soul, which was published in the 1930’s. Some other titles we’d like to see in the Eastern Bloc country: Croatian Tail, Totalitarian and Over Forty, Transylvanian Trannies, and Black Sea Booty. — Carrie Hill Wilner and Grant Stoddard

Celebrity Sexposé #2

“Pre-1989, I pretty much fucked everybody. But it was because I had to get breakfast somehow.”

—The perma-charming Courtney Love accounts for her perennially disheveled appearance at IHOP.

Preteen Tongue-Wagger Licked

TWIS survived plenty of clumsy sexual entendre in seventh grade. There was a certain amount of bra-strap snapping, being asked if we wanted to join the “Pen 15” club (this, of course, involved having “Pen 15” written on your hand, which, done properly, looks surprisingly like “PENIS”) and hearing the occasional, “you’re really flat!” from across the cafeteria. Of course we were flat. We were twelve. Someone should have pointed that out to Jonathan Shank and Karim Wallace, who, by the way, we’d be perfectly happy to see rounded up and shipped off to sensitivity training, even today. (As far as we’re concerned, the statute of limitations on this stuff never expires.) That said, Magoffin Middle School in El Paso may have gone bit overboard when officials suspended twelve-year-old Sal Santana for sticking his tongue out at the young lady he was attempting to woo. Both students and parents are surprised by the ruling, but school officials maintains that the girl was upset and scared by Santana’s actions. We maintain that the girl doesn’t know what “upset and scared” means if she’s never been tricked into spelling “I cup” — which sounds conspicuously like “I see you pee” — in front of everyone at the lunch table. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Answer to News Quiz: B

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