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Weekend Review
Deep Sadness

Tributes are still pouring in after the death of an experienced woman who brought a glimmer of hope to millions of loyal fans in their darkest hour. No, we’re not talking about the Queen Mum. Linda Lovelace, the porn performer who made X-rated history in 1972 by starring in Deep Throat, died Tuesday of injuries sustained from a car accident earlier this month. She was fifty-three years old. Lovelace (real name: Linda Boreman) gulped her way to stardom as a woman who could only achieve orgasm by giving oral sex — a condition that affects one in every ten trillion women.* Since her move to Colorado in 1990, Boreman had become an outspoken critic of the porn industry, claiming she was forced into the business by her first husband and had been paid nothing for her performance in Deep Throat, a film that grossed more than $600 million. Brings a lump to the throat, doesn’t it?



*an educated guess from Em and Lo

Bum Rap

Pretty-boy rapper Eminem has reportedly paid £100,000 (about $170,000) to ensure that his gay-bashing, uber-hetero persona remains intact. The latest cover of UK culture magazine The Face features Eminem wearing a T-shirt that was digitally changed from red to pink by the magazine’s designers, so it wouldn’t clash with the rest of the cover. Em was so upset by the change that he bought every copy of the May edition and had them destroyed before they hit newsstands. A reprinted version will be printed with a tougher-looking Slim on the cover. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. You’d think that a picture of Slim Shady making like a circus seal with the Backstreet Boys had surfaced. I mean… would the real Slim Shady please come
out?
The rapper reportedly threatened never to enter the UK again if the copies weren’t destroyed. Although Tony Blair was unavailable for comment, royal toker and Slim Shady fan Prince Harry was quoted as saying that Eminem’s reaction was a “mad diss, yo.”

Great Dane

The Brits aren’t known for making a fuss. Outside of sporting events and the House of Commons, they generally keep shouting, whooping and all other outward display of emotion to an absolute minimum. But every once in a while, an unassimilated non-subject will unwittingly highlight the stark contrast between the UK and the continent. British police, responding to reports of screams coming from an apartment, discovered a couple in the middle of a post-pub shag. Jamie Cheshire answered the door wearing a towel and told police he had been having sex with his twenty-one-year-old Danish girlfriend, Lenny Devaney. The vociferous Scandinavian told reporters, “I’ve never had any problem with police before, but flatmates have complained about me being noisy.” Throughout the incident, Mr. Cheshire maintained a stiff upper lip.

Beat the Clock

What’s all this talk of generation gaps? It’s a common misconception that when one reaches retirement age, all thoughts of getting one’s freak on are eclipsed by more benign pastimes: strolls in the park, crossword puzzles and countless hours glued to Matlock. But if you can get past the wrinkles, relentless complaining and musty aroma, you’ll realize that senior citizens are looking for action as much as we are — even if they have to pay for it. Last Tuesday, randy senior William R. Johnson drove a new acquaintance into the Florida woods for sex at about six p.m. An hour later, he was found stumbling out of the woods and onto busy U.S. Highway 41, sporting a fresh goose egg on his wizened noggin. Apparently, Johnson had been unable to complete the act in the allotted time and told his antsy party girl that he wouldn’t pay until he was good and ready. The woman promptly hit him over the head with a blunt object, stole his wallet and took off in the seventy-nine-year-old’s pink-and-white van. Florida authorities are concerned that copycat assaults on shuffling oldsters could take place in express checkout lines throughout the state.

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