This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“You realize that Hollywood must truly be a racist place when even the black actors cannot get on the Most Hung List.”

— Star Jones, cohost of The View, reinforces stereotypes like a trooper when commenting on a Details magazine story about well-endowed male celebrities. (All of the men pictured in the article were white.)

Do You Want Me (Now That I Can Dance)

A study conducted by the British University of NoShit-on-Obvious has determined that good dancers = good lovers. Out of 2,000 women surveyed, 80% agreed that there was a correlation between a man’s ability to gracefully execute the Electric Slide and his ability to induce orgasm. Well yeah, duh — it’s all in the hips. Ahem. Beg pardon. Regarding the survey, the women also agreed that overly flashy dancers make the worst lovers. So remember this the next time you’re at a wedding grooving to “Mustang Sally,” hoping to get the maid-of-honor in the coatroom — save the balletic leaps for later. (Catatonic shufflers fare slightly better than you, Leap Boy, but only slightly. They are dismissed by most women as boring and timid.) Finally, survey respondents claimed that ballroom dancers did nothing for them. TWIS concludes that none of said ladies have seen Strictly Ballroom, otherwise known as Paul Mercurio Is Strictly Hot. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Celebrity Sexposé

“I’d gnaw my arm off to do a love scene with Edward Norton.”

— Porn star Jenna Jameson reveals her inability to adjust to traditional casting methods.

Jurassic Poke

There are three things TWIS doesn’t associate with sex: the Midwest, old people and fast food. But others view this unholy trifecta as delicious components of a sexual stew. This week in New Philadelphia, Ohio, an elderly couple was arrested after allegedly bumping uglies in a booth at Hardee’s. Police charged the seventy-year-old man and fifty-nine-year-old woman with public indecency, citing a complaint from a customer who lost his appetite. (What, the low-grade beef patty on an oxygenated bun didn’t already do the trick?) The couple was also banned from every Hardee’s (all Hardee’ses?) in the area. According to police reports, the gruesome twosome had previously copulated inside the restaurant and in the parking lot. However, this was the first time officers arrived in time to catch them — solid evidence that the fight-or-flight instinct wanes in the twilight years. A traffic cop who was first on the horrific scene “applauded” the professionalism of the restaurant employees. In a statement that may have been echoed by the elderly gent, he declared, “The whole thing was handled perfect.” — Grant Stoddard

News Quiz!

Two Southwest Airlines pilots were fired this week because they were found naked in the cockpit. They had also asked a flight attendant…

a) to bring them paper towels

b) to lie down on the floor and “expect turbulence”

c) to take pictures with the co-pilot’s digital camera

d) to serve them alcohol

Scroll down for answer.

One Hand in the Cookie Jar

Punk kids doing punk things and getting caught are a real goldmine for TWIS. Prepubescent hijinks are funny in that wince-while-recalling-your-own-pain sort of way. Like the time we were nine and saw a viewfinder in this novelty store. It was labeled “Chippendale.” We thought that meant the Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers cartoon, so we went to check it out and inside was totally a man in a black satin thong standing on the beach grinning lecherously. We were totally freaked out, and the guy standing behind us called us a sick kid. Well, we doubt that eleven-year-old Michael Steiner’s intentions were as innocent as ours, but you still have to feel for the tyke. The Branau, Austria, fire brigade had to free his hand from the condom dispenser in a local movie theater this week. Firefighters had to cut the machine to pieces after a theater employee and a doctor failed to extricate Steiner’s wayward appendage. As if condoms weren’t uncomfortable, awkward and detrimental to your libido already! (But necessary, kids! Very necessary!) — Carrie Hill Wilner

Answer to News Quiz: A

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