This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Cock of Ages

Before a centuries-long and relatively civilized occupation by the Romans, Britain was the venue for all manner of mysterious and fucked-up debauchery, the Studio 54 of the Bronze Age. The era’s party hosts were the Druids. A typical Druid’s day would consist of breakfast, some human sacrifice, lunch and perhaps a spot of henge construction before dinner. Occasionally, sensing a need for change, Druid elders would go ape shit and decide to carve the image of a man with a giant boner into a chalk hillside. Fast forward a few millennia, and we find prudish Victorians going around removing the phalluses from the ancient figures, emasculating them. That’s the way many hill carvings like The Long Man of Wilmington remained for the entire twentieth century — until this Wednesday. The 235-foot-high figure has miraculously sprouted a twenty-foot penis overnight. The national treasure is causing giggles among tourists who are photographing him in all his new (morning) glory. Experts are unsure whether the addition is a mindless act of vandalism, part of the Celtic Beltaine Festival, which heralds the coming of warm weather, or a fertility ritual. American pharmaceutical giant Pfizer is scrambling to sponsor the mystical event with Viagra.

Get Bent!

Over the past few years, New York City authorities noticed a strong correlation between Gotham’s chattier motorists and fender-benders. Earlier this year, a law was passed that made talking on your cell phone while driving a misdemeanor. Perhaps a similar law should be introduced for randy Brits who can’t seem to leave themselves alone.
This week, British dentist Bent Larson was caught petting his trouser schnauzer as he read a porn magazine while driving at 70 mph. An elderly couple had seen Larsen engaging in some hand-to-gland combat and alerted the fuzz after the fifty-one-year-old swerved from side to side on one of Britain’s busiest roads. The Danish-born man told cops he indulges in his high-speed kink twice a week on his way to work (where, I hasten to add, he puts his fingers in people’s mouths all day). Thrice-wed Bent was fined £300 ($500) for two counts of careless driving and was given eight penalty points on his license. The incident couldn’t have come at a worse time for the British dental community, who have only recently stopped recommending that patients suck on sugar lumps to ease a toothache.

One-Trick Pony

Another area in which Europe could follow America’s lead in passing common-sense legislature: In the United States, restaurateurs are required by law to post a notice in the restroom reminding employees to wash their grubby mitts before going back to the kitchen. Diners in the motherland, on the other hand, can only hope that their countrymen are operating on the honor system, especially after hearing about a cook who was spotted “handling” a pony. A dog walker spied the pervy gastronomer rubbing himself with one hand while assaulting the pony with the other. Startled, twenty-four-year-old Tuncay Ozcan fled in a panic, leaving behind a pile of clothing including a jacket containing his wallet and ID. He arrived home clad in just his skivvies and told his shocked wife he had been attacked. To back up his story, the big fibber called the cops and claimed that three men had demanded his money and clothing as he returned from a nightclub. As if the eyewitness report and discarded ID weren’t enough to convict Tuncay, guffawing police officers were able to link him to the crime through DNA tests. Ozcan has told local newsmen that he regrets the incident and will reconsider horsing around in the future.

Operation Enduring Hard-On

“Almost eight months after the events of September 11th, the effects are still being felt.” It’s an unavoidable phrase that newscasters still use to segue into almost any news story. Earlier this week, the effects of the war on terrorism were repeatedly felt by two dozen Australian hookers. Langtrees brothel in Perth shut its doors for only the third time in eight years after U.S. military personnel, fresh from serving in Afganistan, exhausted its prostitutes. Altogether: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! (The monster shagathon reads like a math problem in an S.A.T. exam: three U.S. warships docked for seventy-two hours, 580 bookings were taken, each prostitute made $3,000. So…where is Osama Bin Laden?) Brothel owner Mary-Anne Kenworthy says the sailors were stressed after carrying out operations in the Middle East and sexually agitated after being at sea. She guesstimates that her girls could have made much more money from the scheduled shore leave, but she soon realized that the ferocity and volume of the sessions were exhausting her workers. “Some of the girls were taking the money without offering a quality service. I don’t care if it’s a Yank’s money, or anyone’s money, everyone deserves value for their dollar.” Three cheers for the Ron Popeil of the sex industry!

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