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| Eager beavers |
Would the Beatles have been as successful if they had kept one of their earlier monikers? Would John Lennon been able to profess that the Quarrymen or Johnny and the Moondogs were "bigger than Jesus"? Once again, we wonder: what's in a name? According to prospective students of the newly redubbed Arcadia University, quite a lot. As of May 1, the college had 2,600 applicants, compared to about 1,800 last year. As it turns out, in years past, many teens didn't relish the idea of telling friends and family they had decided to further their education at — hold your breath — Beaver College. (Apparently, in some barbaric circles, the name of the river-dwelling rodent is slang for part of the female anatomy.) According to the school's vice-principal, the word "beaver" is often blocked by online anti-pornography software, which prevented prospective freshman from finding the small liberal arts college on the web. The beleaguered Cooter Academy of the Performing Arts is rumored to be following Arcadia's lead.
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| Blowhard |
The Gores had quite an impact upon generations X and Y. While Tipper was hard at work designing those little stickers that had to be placed on rap, metal and John Denver albums, big fey Al was sitting on the pot, inventing the Internet. And later there was the public make-out sesh that had the world cringing. But Tip 'n' Al weren't the only visionaries produced by the Clinton administration. Earlier this week, rotund radio blowhard Rush Limbaugh accused Slick Willie himself of single-handedly turning on the nation's oblivious youth to oral sex. Limbaugh cited an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, in which the "caring" media colossus spoke to twelve-to-sixteen-year-olds about how casually they engage in oral activities. The unruly young scamps told O they learned it's "not really sex" from the ex-prez and that some boys don't have to ask for oral sex in school; girls just offer it. "I didn't even know what oral sex was until sixth or seventh grade," explained one urchin with a shit-eating grin, "I saw President Clinton on TV talking about it. I think it kind of opened the door." Perhaps the most pressing question here: Is Limbaugh now going to fess up to turning a new generation into balding, misogynistic pork enthusiasts?
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| Morning Glory |
Imagine turning on Live with Regis and Kelly one morning and seeing Regis turn to Kelly and say, "So what we really need is a lot more turgid cock on TV." Would, could or should that ever happen? It did on Britain's This Morning, which is hosted by the predictably unpredictable husband-and-wife team of Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan. Earlier this week, Richard demanded that UK television networks permit more graphic sex scenes. Outspoken Madeley thinks it's "ludicrous" and "sexist" to censor an erection for television when it's permissible to show naked women. Even though British network TV is vastly more permissive than its American counterparts, many randy viewers agree that the networks should take a more laissez-faire attitude toward prime-time depictions of sex. Rich and Judy's colorful past includes allegations of Richard shoplifting wine from a supermarket and an incident where Judy's blazer burst open as she accepted an award at the British equivalent of the Emmys. For those about to shock, we salute you.
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| Horny horticulture |
We know how to pacify crotchety neighbors who might alert the pigs if a house party goes on past bedtime. We simply invite them. Chances are the old scroat won't accept your kind offer, yet will be flattered by your invitation and therefore too embarrassed to complain. Boo yah! Sometimes, however, inter-neighbor tension isn't so easy to diffuse. Green-fingered Gillian Greensite learned this the hard way when a fellow resident of Santa Cruz, California, alerted cops to a hedge in Greensite's yard shaped like an erect penis. Officers responded to Greensite's home but found no wrongdoing. They said the law protects the owner's "artistic freedom" and that the twenty-footer could remain. All trees can be seen as phallic, but some would argue this variety, called Eugenia, is especially so. Viewed from the front, the hedge appears to have testicles or breasts. Greensite, the director of UC Santa Cruz’s rape prevention and counseling program, questioned what the offended neighbor was really seeing in this tree. "If they want to see phallic, they see phallic, I guess. I see trees," she said.
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