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This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

Sex has never been taboo for me. I enjoy it, and I praise it, and I celebrate it openly and funly . . . if that’s a word.

— It is now, Justin Timberlake!

Image of the Week

— Shi’ite cleric Mohammed Baqir al-Hakim, leader of the Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution of Iraq, demonstrates the innovative way he would govern: by sucking individual freedoms directly from the mouths of small children.

If You’ve Got Nothing Nice to Say . . .

Grant Stoddard reporting:

TWIS psychological theory #24: animal lovers are dysfunctional humans. Want proof? Hitler was a vegetarian. Paul McCartney hasn’t written a decent song since “Linder” pushed her tofurkey creations in front of him and made him wear a cardboard belt. According to retired actress-cum-animal rights activist Brigit Bardot, the “ruination of France” is being caused by Muslim immigrants, fast-food chains, foreign hookers and gays. (What, not Johnny Halliday and Jerry Lewis?) The bitter ex-siren’s venomous new book went on sale this week. In it, she claimed that gays should adopt a more ’50s attitude toward their sexuality. (You know: closeted, suicidal, in perpetual fear of being ostracized, etc.) Quote: “They jiggle their bottoms, put their little fingers in the air and with their little castrato voices moan about what those ghastly heteros put them through.” The sixty-eight year old on hookers: “Our lovely, kind street-walkers have been replaced by girls from the East, Nigerians, travelers, transsexuals, drag-queens, bearers of AIDS and other friendly gifts. Having a risk-free go is becoming a real exploit.” Being a broken-down, wrinkly recluse means that Bardot doesn’t make it to Paris much; instead, she apparently relies on her woodland friends for information. Qu’est que tu dix, Thumper? Oui! J’deteste les putains extracommunitaires, aussi!

Gratuitous Picture of Paul McCartney

On the Up and Up … and Up

Carrie Hill Wilner reporting:

So, everything’s Viagra this, Viagra that, lately. Female Viagra, black-market Viagra, Viagra, Viagra, Viagra. Whatever. While it may be a genuine boon for the impotent elderly, as a red-blooded American female, I’d like to inform all you recreational users out there that your four-hour hard-on is a lot more interesting to you than it is to me. I mean, seriously. Four hours? I don’t have that kind of time. I have Cardio Barre class to go to. I have TWIS to write. I’m going to have to lobby a lot harder for the return of the five-minute fuck, though, because in another strike against natural selection, Pfizer has just announced that Viagra may be useful in treating deadly cardiovascular disease. It’s going to be all over the place now. In the name of scientific advancement, here are a few other alternative uses for everyone’s favorite obnoxious medication:

    1) It’s the perfect size to chuck at couples who are making out in bars. It’s more painful than a spitball, but quieter than a penny — they won’t know what hit them. But you will.

    2) It might do something funny if you feed it to a hamster. I’ll bet it would. But I don’t have a hamster to test it on. If you do, tell me about it at ifedviagratomyhamster@nerve.com.

    3) Taken at high enough doses, or combined with nitrates, it’s as effective a method of suicide as any other.

News Quiz!

This week it was reported that William Shatner’s ex-wife is suing the Star Trek star over what item?

a. A photo of her giving head

b. A photo of her giving head to Leonard Nimoy

c. Camel testicles

d. Horse semen

Scroll down for answer.

A Shot in the Ass, and You’re to Blame?

Grant Stoddard reporting:

“I like big butts and I cannot lie.” So said the ass-obsessed Sir Mix-a-Lot, putting into words the private desires of a ham-obsessed nation. But how did having a large, round derriere turn into a death wish for a desperate Florida woman? In the opening statements of a Fort Lauderdale murder trial this week, a prosecutor told jurors to prepare for the “bizarre, flamboyant and unusual.” The facts of the case: two men are being tried; one of them looks like a woman. Both are accused of killing Vera Lawrence at a “pumping party,” a.k.a. a transsexual gathering that features “body sculpting” vis-à-vis the injection of silicone.

In the case of the recently deceased Ms. Lawrence, more than 12,000 cc’s of industrial silicone were injected into each of her buttocks, causing her death. Defendants Donnie Hendricks (who prefers to use the name “Viva”) and Mark Hawkins are accused of practicing medicine without a license. According to witnesses in pre-trial hearings, Hawkins and Hendricks charged up to $1,000 for their services.

Defense attorney George Reres claims that Ms. Lawrence demanded that an “insane” amount of silicone be injected into her body and, in effect, committed suicide. Reres also advised jurors to steel themselves against testimony from witnesses who are not just “drag queens, but are also drama queens.” Such are the risks of trying to meet the impossible standards set by society and Sir Mix-a-Lot. Time has shown the disapproval of the “Baby Got Back” intro mallrats (“Oh my God, Becky…”) to be infinitely sage.

Caption Contest!

Key to objects:

(left) A man. We’ll call him Alejandro.

(middle) A donkey.

(right) Moving-picture actress Hilary Duff.

Send your entries to peta@nerve.com. Winner will be announced during next week’s news.

Blue Balls

Carrie Hill Wilner reporting:

Now that every reporter at every news source in the world has been put on the Viagra beat, it’s imperative that we filter out the fluff and only bring you the best of each week’s Viagra news, so that you can make informed decisions. Like the informed decision not to move to England. A recent London-based study revealed that over the past three years, the only significant drop in penis-candy prescriptions happened during last summer’s World Cup. One of the health-care analysts assigned to this scintillating research stated: “The data suggest that when it comes to a major sporting event, men turn their attention away from their own performance and toward that of their favorite football team [that’s “soccer team” to us colonial types — ed.].” Now, this doesn’t account for the possibility that men in knee socks are so universally arousing that erectile assistance is unnecessary. Rumors that the pharmaceuticals giant Pfizer are considering a case against every straight man’s homoerotic fantasy, David Beckham, have been entirely manufactured by us.

Answer to News Quiz

D.

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