This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Canadian Break-In

Take a close look at some of America’s foremost comedians. Notice anything weird? A penchant for hockey, a tolerance of sub-zero temperatures, just a hint of an accent. Hell’s teeth! They’re all Canadian! Precisely the reason that Kids in the Hall is funny and Mad TV just . . . isn’t. Many have ruminated upon why so many yuk-meisters hail from north of the border. It’s more than the long cold winter nights and being whacked out of their minds on Crown Royal. The fact is that funny shit is to Canada what sand is to Morocco. It’s everywhere. Earlier this week, nineteen-year-old Erin Stairs of Fredericton, New Brunswick, was given a suspended sentence and probation for paying thieves to break into the home that she shares with her boyfriend. Stairs was fed up with her lover’s thirst for Internet pornography and decided that the best way to tackle the problem was to relieve him of his computer. The robbery got out of hand when the greedy “culprits” walked away with not only the $2,000 computer but also the couple’s television, sixty compact discs, jewelry and several other items. Stairs then had a number of her friends come and take turns slapping her around to give credibility to her claim. When Mounties arrived at the scene, she was charged with theft and public mischief. Fredericton cops reportedly advised her monkey-spanking lover to fireproof his extensive Hustler collection.

Once Bitten, Vice Shy

Generous, careful, chintzy, cheap, the landlord. That’s the scale we at Nerve use to weigh how different folks manage their cash flow. This week we discovered a man who plumbed new depths of scroogery—and was found stumbling around Alberta with a missing finger as a result. Based on police reports, a Canadian john who wouldn’t dig deep for some Edmonton fast-love attempted to take off without paying a prostitute. The incident took a dramatic turn for the worse when he left behind some crucial evidence — his employer’s truck, which was found to contain much of his finger. It looks as though the disgruntled sex worker bit off almost an inch of her client’s digit before running to find refuge in an adjacent home. “There’s a lot of lessons here and they’re all really apparent,” deadpanned Edmonton police spokesman Wes Bellmore who went on to explain that apprehending the wounded curb-crawler was a cakewalk for local super-sleuths. “It was a company truck with the big name and phone number on the side, so that helped — our investigators are pretty smart.” The man, who may face assault charges, remained philosophical and noted that the incident proved that both he and the party girl had bitten off more than they could chew.

This Job Sucks

The Carpathian mountain region of Romania has long been a breeding ground for myth and folklore. However, as we stagger on into the twenty-first century, Transylvanian yarns of a weirder sort are replacing tales of blood sucking, garlic-fearing night prowlers. First we told you about Romanian prostitutes accepting credit cards as payment, then we broke the story about them adding cooking, cleaning and ironing to their list of services. The latest scoop from the Eastern European vice squad is that hookers have been altering their normal practices to get more in line with the Good Book. As of this week, prostitutes in the Romanian town of Deva, are no longer offering oral sex because they say it’s a sin. They made the decision after attending church and heeding the words of the pastor. One of the pious prostitutes told reporters, “After we went to church, we thought about how big sinners we are. Even if we can’t give up what we are doing, at least we can try to be more religious and give up perversities.” They say they won’t change their minds even if it means clients will “solve their problems” in a neighboring town (the Shelbyville to Deva’s Springfield) because “perversity is such a big sin.”

Loaded Guns

Football, basketball, baseball. Three professional team sports where the United States reigns supreme. Then there are the tournaments in which other counties participate. I’m talking specifically about the World Cup. Typically the U.S. leaves the tournament like I left most of my high-school dances — early, alone and humiliated. With the world’s largest tournament set to kick off in less than two weeks, perhaps the U.S. should take some advice from the more successful teams. This week, the Polish head coach revealed that he will allow his team to have sex at the World Cup. He told reporters: “There will be time for everything, and nobody said that sex, at the right time, of course, could do anyone any harm.” Conversely, the Italian coach revealed just hours later that “After the first round, the [Italian] boys will see their women, but moderation is needed. To achieve certain results, you have to set some rules for yourselves.” In 1999, New Scientist magazine ran a study by a researcher at an Italian university claiming sex before a competition is likely to enhance an athlete’s performance because levels of testosterone — which is associated with heightened aggression — rise with sexual activity. So how much action must the English fans be getting?

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