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This Week in Sex   
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May 18, 2001

Giant Sucking Sound, Redux



Good news, ladies: the path to larger breasts no longer has to go through the surgeon’s office, at the risk of punctured saline bags or ridiculously over-inflated helium balloons. No ma’am, those days are over, and nowadays, if you want bigger boobs, all you need is to have someone suck on ’em all day long. Er, make that something.


    

That’s right: ABC News.com reported this week that a new bra — the way-overnamed Brava Breast Enhancement and Shaping System — doesn’t simply make your breasts look larger, it actually makes them larger. According to the report, the Brava is basically a sports bra containing two plastic domes edged in a sticky silicone gel (ooh, sexy!). Planted underneath the bra is a small, rechargeable power pack that leads to a device the bra’s inventors call the “Smart Box.” Says lead clinical investigator Dr. Thomas Baker, “The Smart Box has a little pump in it” — and please pardon us while we wink mischeviously at Dr. Baker’s word choice — “which creates a negative pressure within the dome between the breast and the wall of the dome.” In other words, the bra sucks away at the boobs all day long — ten hours a day for ten weeks is the prescribed period of use — causing the breast tissue to grow and creating permanent growth of on average a full cup size. Always on top of hot news, Good Morning America sent “beauty adventurer” Holly Millea out to Brava headquarters to take the suckers out for a spin. “I feel like I have plungers on,” said Millea after trying the bra on for the first time. “Like strong men are pulling my breasts away from my chest.” No, that part comes later . . .



Soccer Players Do It in the Grass


Well, Lord knows there’s never been a whole lot to do in the small towns of America, and apparently Beavercreek, Ohio, is no exception. But “not a whole lot” isn’t the same as “nothing,” as a couple of Beavercreek teens demonstrated this week. According to the Dayton Daily News, police responded at two in the morning to a silent alarm tripped at the local YMCA, and when they went to investigate, they caught a nineteen-year-old man and his eighteen-year-old girlfriend “making waves” in the facility’s swimming pool. But the teens’ adventure was short-lived (aren’t they all at that age?) and the kids were charged with criminal trespassing and, in case this isn’t obvious, banned from the YMCA. Always thinking, YMCA branch manager Karen Early scrambled to assure the swimming public that the pool remains a lovely place for (the right kind of) frolicking. “We use a combination of muriatic acid and liquid chlorine, which kills basically everything,” said Early, before adding ominously, “and if that doesn’t, the filtration system will.”


    

Meanwhile, across the really big pool, over in England, local officials apparently set out to prove just how easygoing they can be compared to their American brothers and sisters. According to the Carlisle News & Star, another randy couple — this time a pair of forty-something Carlisle United soccer fans — were caught by police, er, scoring on the center spot of their favorite team’s stadium. But unlike the Ohio twosome, the United supporters weren’t arrested. Matter of fact, according to the report, the club isn’t even planning to revoke her boyfriend’s season tickets. What they are planning to do, though, is send the couple a copy of the closed-caption security video. Talk about a highlight film . . .



Yes, Well My Husband’s Is Made of Rubber



The key to a good marriage, as we all know, is plenty of love, trust and mutual respect. Some folks would add that it needs to take place between a man and a woman, too, but we here at This Week in Sex aren’t so sure about that, and we aren’t going to get into it with you right now anyway. Still though, we are pretty sure about one thing: if two women — or two men — are going to marry, well, they really both ought to know what they’re getting into.


    

Case in point: according to a report in the Utusan Malaysia newspaper, police in the village of Bukit Hijau arrested a woman this week and charged her with conning a girl she wanted to marry, making her believe that she was marrying a man. Apparently, the woman, in her twenties, had disguised herself as a fella to woo the girl and had, in fact, fooled the girl’s family as well. But after an engagement ceremony in which the couple exchanged gifts — including an engagement ring — some of the local villagers still weren’t sold on the woman’s, er, manliness, so they tipped off the Kuala Selangor District Islamic Religious Department, which is a bunch that you really don’t want to mess with, especially if you’re planning to trick a het girl into a lesbian wedding. The cops raided the would-be groom’s house, where they seized — the horror! — an artificial penis, thus proving the case beyond a shadow of a doubt, because really now, why else would a woman have an artificial penis in her home?



Quotes of the Week



“I am not promiscuous — I don’t sleep with many types of girls. In fact I am kind of monogamous but within a group.”




— Septugenarian Playboy emperor, Hugh Hefner, he of the seven gorgeous girlfriends, quickly losing all touch with reality in London’s Sun newspaper.





“It’s not that difficult, I have a very large bed.”




Hef again, really just rubbing it in at this point, in a Reuters article.





“If Billy was a woman, then I’d be a lesbian. If I was a man, we’d be a gay couple.”




— Oscar-winning actress Angelina Jolie, proving once again that her love for her husband is even stronger than her love for her brother, in Movieline.





“At the end of the day, I returned to one of my most basic beliefs about a government: it does not belong in our private lives.”




— Arizona Governor Jane Hull, a Republican, on signing into law a bill that repeals the state’s ban on cohabitation, oral sex and sodomy. Arizona conservative groups had asked the governor to veto the law, because let’s face it, them cohabitators must be stopped!


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.