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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“They all want me: boys, girls, men, women, dogs, cats . . . they all want to have sex with Ricky.”
— Ricky Martin posts to solipsistornot.com

Image of the Week

Jennifer Lopez on the London set of Mannequin 3.

State of Delusion

Pennsylvania is like that innocuous and seemingly apolitical person you once dated. Remember? After seeing each other for a couple of weeks, you started having your first socially conscious conversation, and he advocated the return of burning witches at the stake and stoning people for blasphemy.

Except that guy didn’t get to elect his own senator. Pennsylvania does. We didn’t expect this much suckiness from a previously inoffensive landmass, but in the near future you can expect many inappropriate, unfunny jokes about cheese steaks and any other Keystone State stereotypes that happen to inspire us. See, Pennsylvania is acting super-lame right now, and if it doesn’t get its shit together, we’re going to just get up and leave it with the tab. It wasn’t enough that they elected Senator Rick “Man-On-Dog” Santorum — but a recent poll indicates that his remarks about homosexuality haven’t cost him any support in his home state. His 55% approval rating is steady as ever. Perhaps even more disturbing, 58% of Pennsylvania’s population thinks homosexual behavior is morally wrong. (According to the Senator’s office, that means 42% were too busy going down on each other in locker rooms to answer.)

Really, now: should we leave the Liberty Bell with a state that can’t push its intergender-sex rate above 45%? — Carrie Hill Wilner

Deep Inside Justin Timberlake, Vol. 2

“Once they’ve taken the clothes off, I become very disinterested. I think it’s more or less I’m intrigued with the foreplay.”

A Cruel, Purple Reign

Guess what: Prince enjoys sex with barely legal girls and tends to be a bit freaky in the boudoir. No shit, you say? I can’t blame you. Although many of us are well-versed in the Purple One’s proclivities, I daresay few people could name the number of ribs he had removed so he could blow his own horn.*

Apparently, Prince’s reputation did not precede him when he seduced Charlene Friend, an eighteen-year-old virgin, in 1991. Ms. Friend, now thirty, claims the singer held orgies at his mansion and videotaped his romps with her . Speaking before a thoroughly unimpressed Santa Monica courtroom, she detailed the two-year affair: “Prince informed me he took sexual relations very seriously. He believed he was the Messiah and if you engaged in sex with him, you became one with him . . . Prince threatened to have me killed after we broke up, saying no one else could have me.”

Prince says! Prince says! If Prince said he could make you the next Apollonia, would you not laugh? How can you take the man seriously? Well, Friend claims to have suffered anxiety, depression and panic attacks because of Prince’s psy-ops. This all started with a fight over presents: Prince gave her some, she tried to sell them (to no avail, the market for assless pants having depreciated in the sluggish economy), and he called lawyers. Friend then filed a multimillion-dollar countersuit, claiming defamation and emotional distress.

Prince, said to have recently married a former employee eighteen years his junior, was not nude enough to comment. — Grant Stoddard

* – it’s called rock lore, kids! ROCK LORE!!!

Celebrity Sexposé

“There is nobody. I’ve broken them all. I’m moving on to men.”

— British pop curiosity Robbie Williams on his prospects with women

Men Respond to Robbie Williams:

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

The invariable unattractiveness of thirteen year olds cannot prevent them from fucking each other, according to a study conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. The totally unbiased organization determined that one in five adolescents has sex before the age of fifteen, and one in seven sexually active fourteen-year-old girls has been pregnant. Also revealed was the following shocker: about a third of fourteen year olds have lain on a bed or couch with someone they liked. It was not reported whether the kids responded to such inanities with straight faces.

In other initiatory sex news, a twenty-one-year-old Chilean woman has canceled plans to auction off her virginity on a radio show. She intended to use the money to pay for her education but was apparently unable to resist the allure of losin’ it while drunk on plastic-bottle gin in an El Camino, just like the rest of the world. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Winner of Last Week’s Caption Contest

None of the celebrities noticed that Melissa Rivers was on vacation.

Congratulations to Nitin Goel.

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