This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Setting Up Camp

410 A.D.: Britain is plunged into cultural darkness when occupying Roman armies retreat to prevent the collapse of their empire. During the past 370 years, they had brought many wondrous inventions to the rainy isle: central heating, plumbing, concrete, togas, orgies and vomitoriums. But the Romans were even further ahead of their time than we thought. This week, archeologists excavating a Roman camp in Yorkshire, England, have found evidence of some  . . . er  . . . Roman camp, unearthing a 1,700-year-old transvestite. The skeleton, found dressed in women’s clothes and jewelry, is believed to have belonged to a priest who worshipped the mystical eastern goddess Cybele. Historians say that followers of Cybele castrated themselves following the example of her lover Atys who, in a well-meaning yet clearly misguided gesture, lopped off his love spuds out of remorse for his infidelity. And you thought cross-dressing began with J. Edgar Hoover.

Squawk Dirty to Me

Linda Tripp isn’t the only creature that would unflinchingly record the most intimate details of your sex life and share them with the world. In the United Kingdom, a parrot named Oliver has done just that. The feather-brained tattletale memorized Wendy Abel’s every moan as Wendy indulged in an all-night shagathon with her lover. The following day her co-workers at an animal sanctuary were shocked as her betrayer squawked kisses and passionate phrases, including, but not limited to, “God, oh God!,” “How do you like it?,” “Go, go, go!,” “It’s so good,” and, most bizarrely, “Bouncy boo!” Her employer remarked: “Oliver’s attention to detail left nothing to the imagination. It sounded like he was reliving every moment from the night before.” Wendy had taken Oliver home because he was looking peaked. Now recovered, the parrot is being kept away from visitors while Wendy tries to make him forget the lurid lingo. Her colleagues have suggested that she try to re-train Oliver by exposing him to material that couldn’t possibly be misconstrued as being sexy. Like a videotape of Showgirls.

Ghoul – lash

During the past few years, Viagra has helped millions of mature men sport woodies that a hormone-addled fifteen-year-old would be proud of. Turns out that more gents are having trouble flying their flag at full mast than previously thought. For too long, sex for them has been like trying to push a marshmallow into a dime slot. These geezers would have little sympathy for Folorunso Olukotun, a fifty-year-old Nigerian man who has the exact opposite affliction: priapism — a constant boner one could use to bend horseshoes with. Rather than seek medical attention, Olukotun took the advice given by the village jokester who recommended cannibalism as a cure. Using a machete, Olukotun proceeded to ambush a forty-year-old woman walking on a path near her village. After killing and disemboweling her, he cooked the innards in a ghoulish stew and ate them with pounded yam — Fava beans being tricky to get hold of on short notice. Oblivious to the unbelievably brutal, savage, not to mention thoroughly idiotic nature of his crime, Olukotun willingly led officers to his victim’s remains in the bush near his village in southwest Nigeria. Police could not say whether the erection had subsided.

No. 1 with a Bullet

“Guns don’t kill people, people do.” That’s what Charlton Heston and his heat-packing chums at the N.R.A. like to say. But the cowboys of America have to admit that the guns do help. Earlier this week, a young gunslinger only had himself and a few too many brewskies to blame. The twenty-two year-old simpleton from Great Falls, Montana, shot off his right testicle, injured his penis and put a hole in his right thigh when he attempted to stuff a .40-caliber semiautomatic handgun into his waistband. Local cops say that the redneck (whom Great Falls police are referring to as Johnny Uno) was enraged because a friend had been knifed in a bar fight. He was part of a hastily assembled posse that was hunting down the assailants in a parking lot in the wee hours of the morning. The officer said police initially thought about ticketing the man for disorderly conduct but likely won’t, as the poor bugger has probably suffered enough.

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