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May 25, 2001

Sweet Charity



We all know the drill: a friend/relative/co-worker sends us a letter begging us to sponsor her on a twenty-six/seventy-five/three-thousand-mile run/walk/ride for AIDS/cancer/heart disease research. We nod appreciatively at our spunky and conscientious friend and her incredible resolve, and then we avoid all eye contact with her until race day, when we insist disappointedly that we never did get that letter they sent, but Dammit, we wish
we had because we would like to have donated. Oh come on. You know it’s true.


    

Yeah, well, we here at This Week in Sex have a theory about that, and the theory is this: we want to help our friends, but it kills us that they’re out there beating the world, and the only possible contribution we slothful types can make is with our checkbooks. But now, thanks to the miracle of modern mores, even we can beat the world for charity — well, beat something, at least. Because it appears that the San Francisco-based Good Vibrations Association has designated May as National Masturbation Month (yeah, we should have told you sooner, but we were, uh, distracted), and as part of the celebration, they’re sponsoring a Masturbate-A-Thon to help raise money for sexual health organizations. The event works exactly the way you’d expect: people are being asked to sign up sponsors who will donate funds for every (private) minute spent “coming for a cause,” as the Good Vibrations web site puts it (participants are asked to abide by the honor system when reporting their wacking tallies). No word yet as to whether any high schoolers have been recruited to help with the drive, which ends this week.



In Related News…


Of course, high schoolers aren’t the only ones who can participate in the Masturbate-A-Thon, even if they do tend to be the most focused trainers. No, anyone can take part, all the way up to and including old men — in fact, with a new product on the way to market, old men might just out-beat — er, beat out — other men decades their junior.


    

That product is Alprox-TD, a new treatment for impotent men said to work six times faster than Viagra. According to the Straits Times of Hong Kong, the rub-on cream is currently in final stage trials in the U.S. and Europe and could be launched in Asia later this year. The cream, which increases blood flow through the penis, reportedly works within ten minutes, at least partly (one assumes) because of the application method. Says Professor Peter Lim of Gleneagles Hospital in Singapore, “Today people want sex on demand, so medicine has come to their help. They can take a tablet and within an hour get an adequate erection — but then people are not happy. With one hour waiting the partner may lose interest.” Which would leave the patient stuck between a rock and — oh, forget it.



What Would Sting Do?



You yourself were once a teenager. Odds are, when you were, you had braces. You may have even had a girlfriend or boyfriend with braces. And Lord knows, we don’t need to tell you what kind of hazard that presents.


    

Well, we don’t know whether or not a certain Malaysian couple is burdened with grabby orthodonture, but we reckon it doesn’t much matter, because that still wouldn’t explain how the pair got stuck together during sex this week, necessitating an urgent — and highly embarassing — trip to the hospital. According to the Straits Times (yeah, them again), a fifty-year-old woman and her sixty-year-old partner locked up during coitus, apparently after the woman became “abnormally excited” due in part to her use of an unnamed sexual stimulant “similar to Viagra.” It seems the couple, after panicking and calling neighbors for help, had to be carried to the ambulance “naked and still joined together at their private parts… like a pair of Siamese twins,” before the woman was injected with some manner of muscle relaxant. Now, the couple face leering snickers from their friends and neighbors, and we’re stuck with one question: Do Siamese twins really have that much trouble having sex?



Quotes of the Week



“Everybody quotes me as saying that kissing Marilyn was like kissing Hitler. I never said that. I said kissing Marilyn was like fucking her, the way she would grind against me.”




Tony Curtis on Marilyn Monroe, in Entertainment Weekly. Sure, Tony, we can see how people would have gotten that mixed up.





“I thought it was a good idea because with S&M, you could easily mug men who were happy to be hogtied.”




— The always-thinkin’ manager of a Tokyo bondage club after being arrested for ordering the robbery of a seventy-seven-year-old client, in the Mainichi Daily News.





“When I sold 100,000 records, I got chicks that were maybe 130, 140 pounds. Now that we’ve sold ten million records, they’re supermodels, Playmates.”




Kid Rock, waxing triumphant in Gear.





“It imposes something on society that, if truth be known, our society is not yet ready to accept. These types of things ultimately will lead to chaos.”




— Forward-thinking mom Tina Mauler, not at all hysterical about news that a lesbian girl was chosen prom king by her peers at Washington’s Ferndale High, as quoted by the Associated Press.


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.