|TWIS Asks a Question!
To settle a controversy stoked recently by such hot-‘n’-horny pundits as Richard Goldstein and Andrew Sullivan, TWIS asks the world to decide: Did President Bush stuff the crotch of his flight suit during that creepy, hyperstaged Top Gun-esque photo op (pictured above), and if so, with what?
Please email your responses to firstname.lastname@example.org. Poll results will be released next week. The most creative free response wins a guest-commentary slot on a future TWIS, and an advance copy of Nerve’s new book, The Big Bang: Nerve’s Guide to the New Sexual Universe. (Psst! Why not order your own copy today?)
|Meat the Parents
It’s the watershed moment in a relationship. You’re just past the
sex-eight-times-a-day period, just outside the epoch known as Blatantly Referring to Your New Love Interest’s Friends as Douchebags. It is when you
are presented to the creators of your beloved, and you must pretend to be a
responsible, sober and considerate human being for an afternoon. Usually, a blend of wit, charisma, charm, subterfuge and unabashed ass-licking will carry you through this traumatic event. But if there’s one
underlying message in every TWIS story, it is this: there’s just no placating some people.
Last week, a forty-one-year-old accountant named Mighendra married Preeti
Tyagi in the northern Indian town of Agra. (Geography note: that’s home to
India’s famous monument to love, the Taj Mahal). The groom thought he was
doing right by everyone. Oops! Turns out her family disapproved of the
marriage, but invited the newlyweds
over for a genial-seeming Sunday dinner anyway. When the couple arrived, Mighendra was immediately taken into
another room, where Preeti’s father and two brothers lopped off his penis
with a carving knife.
Bleeding profusely, Mighendra escaped and reported the incident to police.
The tyrannical Tyagi men fled; their whereabouts are unknown. A horrible
tale. But all things considered, Mighendra’s fate was probably less painful
than being cross-examined for an hour while sitting a floral-print slipcover then being
force-fed mealy potatoes prepared by parent-goblins to commemorate your
abuse and eventual capitulation. No? Grant Stoddard
|TWIS Asks An Additional Question
“Feminism scares me, because it seems like it bashes males. I love men. I want to be equalists.”
Question: By offering up that quote this week, which of the following is Drew Barrymore setting back two decades?
c) Her sexual appeal to anyone
d) The ability of humanoids to interpret and form basic speech patterns
Email your vote to email@example.com. Results next week!
|Terror Threat of the Week
I have a minister’s license, and I can now marry people.
|Kids Not Fucking!
Has Generation Y gone soft? Can today’s youth no longer be trusted to carry
out their hormonal duties? Is the urge to master Splinter Cell cutting into
teens’ macking time? On Wednesday, U.S. researchers announced that, despite
the best of intentions, high school condom-distribution programs have failed
to encourage sex among teens. Although schools with such programs report
higher rates of safe sex, the overall percentage of adolescent virgins
remains distressingly high, at over 50%.
Various explanations for this have been given. For example, to get a condom
at school, a student often must go to a school employee a nurse, gym
teacher, assistant principal or a similar figure. All of them tend to have
disturbing facial-hair configurations and/or ideas as to what constitutes
“fashion.” This may have an immediate and deleterious effect on the teen
The researchers’ startling discovery (boiled down: a teen’s decision to
have sex is based on more than the availability of free condoms) has led
educators to rethink other intercourse-promotion strategies, including open
access to school boiler rooms and mandatory distribution of Zima at lunch
breaks. Carrie Hill Wilner
|DIY PR Award of the Week
“I just hate her guts. She put me in that state, where I don’t know. I
really wish I did now. But now I really do want to rape her.”
Convicted rapist/all-purpose punchline Mike Tyson, on the woman he sexually assaulted. Tyson maintains innocence, although he is still unable to spell it.
|Risen from the Dead
In high school, there was this guy in the grade below me, a skinny guy
called Mark. When he was fourteen, Mark got a woody in the showers. He tried
to hide it, but some kid saw and alerted thirty classmates, who
cornered the poor kid and took turns trying to whip his errant boner with wet
towels. Then there was a kid in my grade called Danny. He was a boys’ boy
a rugby star and the proud owner of a monster hammer. He would also get a boner
in the locker room and draw attention to it himself. Everyone laughed in a
“Ha ha ha, what a crazy guy, please don’t beat me up” kind of way, and that
was the end of it. What I’m trying to establish here: in the event of an
unexpected erection, context is paramount.
For one Romanian gent, it became a literal matter of life or death. Doctors
say that Mihai Tancau’s prolonged erection saved his life this week. The forty-four
year old had been in a car crash and was being treated for a concussion. Doctors didn’t realize he had spinal cord damage until they investigated the source of his persistent hard-on, which had resulted, like so
many other mutant superpowers, from a horrible accident. Grant Stoddard
|What Has Happened to Christina Ricci? Exhibit D
“I’m like ‘Omigod, I have to touch her right nipple!’… And then all you
could hear was the two of us cackling under the covers, making weird lewd
The formerly-interesting-in-interviews Ricci, on her upcoming cinematic love scene with Charlize Theron
|Be Slutty, Live Longer!
Right about now you should stop feeling jealous of happy couples, because
they are going to die. Real soon. We have come to this airtight conclusion
after reviewing a study released by the Society for Conservation Biology.
Its findings: on a wildlife preserve in Ghana, species that were monogamous
or maintained small harems were more prone to extinction than species with larger harems. Basically, if you’re a big slut, you’ll live forever,
is all I’m saying.
This flies in the face of millennia-old rhetoric,
in which sowing your wild ones was strongly discouraged, especially if you
happened to possess a vagina. But all those who were burned at the stake,
stoned, had their penis lopped off or put in a bag of rocks and chucked in the
lake for getting jiggy with it can take some comfort in the knowledge that
some scientists say modern-day fuck fans outlive their
monogamous brethren. Researchers have posited several theories as to why
debauched monkeys live longer, suggesting, among other things, that
when animals live in pairs or small groups, it is easier for hunters to
sneak up on them. Not that we advocate couple-hunting. Well, not exactly.
But we do advocate furthering God’s design, and if that means
couple-hunting, well, who are we to stand in the way?
P.S.: Think Bob Hope is a
stand-up guy? You bet he is. He turned 100 on Thursday.
We’re looking forward to a 200-year-old Christina Aguilera jumping
out of a cake in 2180. Will we be there to celebrate? We’re working on it. Carrie Hill Wilner
|A Pre-Emptive TWIS Letter of Clarification to Preclude Controversy About Anything We Might Fabricate in the Future
This Week in Sex is primarily reported by Grant Stoddard and Carrie Hill Wilner with occasional uncredited help from slaves who are paid little or nothing and die soon afterward. They are edited and not treated particularly well by Michael Martin. TWIS correspondents are never actually in any of the cities their stories would suggest, unless said locale is New York. Actually, make that below Fourteenth Street in New York. Actually, make that the corner of Prince and Broadway in New York. The events described in each story actually occurred, unless they didn’t, and in that case, who are we to know because we just rewrite stuff from wire services anyway. Even if a story is fact, the last line or paragraph (or any part, really) might not be that is called a joke. If we’ve missed any sex in the news, notify us at firstname.lastname@example.org. The sex you had “doggy style, with a busty babe in the ’70s” does not qualify. If you spot any inaccuracies that do not involve the last line or paragraph of a story or another part that could possibly be interpreted as a joke, just keep it to yourself for forty years like JFK’s intern, and when we’re dead, sell your story to Inside Edition and profit profit profit. Michael Martin