This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Blue Balls

Today marks the beginning of the 2002 World Cup Finals, held in Korea and Japan. Thirty-two teams are whipping their respective countries into a loyalist frenzy, but the United States seems to be making the most headway in getting their countrymen all hot and bothered. This week, in a sultry photo shoot for the New York Times Magazine titled The Boys of Soccer , seven players are shown in a variety of homoerotic poses. Twenty-year-old midfielder Landon Donovan looks lustily into the lens as a jet of water splashes on his pouting lips. Clad in a spangled rhinestone shirt, defender Pablo Mastroeni points his athletic derriere skyward. Can the team play as good as they look? If the pictures are any indication, they’re certainly no strangers to ball control.

Big Gay Al-Fayed

In case you haven’t heard: the war on terrorism is a new kind of war. In Afghanistan, allied troops are continually on the lookout for al-Qaeda fighters’ new methods of attack. Earlier this week, Scottish marines discovered an unexpected new threat. On an operation deep in the Afghan mountains, they were confronted by male villagers dressed in women’s clothing, some wearing make-up. “They were more terrifying than the al-Qaeda,” exclaimed one bewildered soldier. “One bloke who had painted his toenails was offering to paint ours. We discovered that a lot of men in this country have the same philosophy as ancient Greeks: ‘a woman for babies, a man for pleasure.'” All this came as a shock to the burly Scotsmen, who reserve their skirts and knee-highs for special occasions only.

Digital Love

We’ve all received some god-awful birthday gifts: Novelty underpants, pocket-sized “humor” books, tickets to Riverdance. Well, maybe that’s just me. For his daughter’s tenth birthday, Kevin Izzard decided to surprise her with a cute kids’ logo for her cellphone. When Dad called to order an image of Sesame Street‘s Ernie, he imagined his daughter’s little face lighting up in surprise. But instead of the Muppet, little Jade received an explicit sexual image of a man and woman. Her angry father told reporters: “Luckily, Jade is very innocent, so she did not know what it was. She thought it was Kylie Minogue singing into a microphone, but she couldn’t be more wrong. She realized something was strange when some of her friends laughed at it.” Jade added: “I wanted the Sesame Street logo, because I thought it was cute, but when I found out it was rude, it made me cry.” In a related story, a Wisconsin man was arrested for offering to show women his Snuffleupagus.

If’s, And’s or Butts

Necessity is the mother of invention. If this clever aphorism were true, you’d think that Serbia (a.k.a. the war-ravaged former Yugoslavia) would spawn innovations like land-mine detectors and improved prosthetic limbs. Seems that the country’s inventors have something else on their minds: Slavomir Adamovic has designed a new line of women’s underwear with a built-in alarm that emits a piercing sound when “violated.” Adamovic (a.k.a. Serbia’s answer to Ron Popeil) is convinced that the product will be a hot seller in the region, where butt-pinching is epidemic. Other countries clearly see a hole in the market: a handful of Japanese and Taiwanese companies hope to snap up the copyright. But in a bizarre act of automatic whistle-blowing, an Italian company will probably get its hands on the revolutionary undies first. Sales of earplugs are expected to soar.

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