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Weekend Review
Quotes of the Week

“I’m glad I was raised in bars. I learned about sexuality before sex was an issue. I learned about what women would do for a compliment before I had to do it.”

— Jewel

“I like to serve a man. And I like to be served. I love belonging to someone. I’ve never really liked being a flirt about town. The sexiest thing you can be is breakable.”

— also Jewel

Image of the Week

You write the caption: Justin Timberlake and Seann William Scott at the MTV Awards. Email entries to thisweekinsex@nerve.com.

Personnel Note

Grant Stoddard is away at camp. What kind of camp, you ask? Check our homepage from June 15-19 to find out.

Is That Evil in Your Pocket?

To all those who have, in recent weeks, singled out the meshcap* as the root cause of the world’s ills, you ought to be ashamed for distracting attention from the real threat to polite civilization: chicks in pants. “Holy shit!” you say. “Chicks wear pants?” Exactly. While you’ve been puzzling over the proliferation of all those extra-smooth, soft
“boys,” the Chicks in Pants League for World Domination has been — under
their clever, bepantsed guise &#151 plotting to take the fuck over. And who knows how far they might have gone, had the courageous King Mswati of Swaziland not discovered their plot? In a radio speech this week, the glorious and astute king (all hail!) stated: “The Bible says curse be unto a woman who wears pants, and those who wear their husband’s clothes. That is why the world is in such a state today.”** No mention of secret police in culottes, disappointingly enough. — Carrie Hill Wilner

*If you write it as one word, it’s almost like Yiddish. It can also be used as an adjective or a noun referring to the wearer of the headgear. Go forth and meme, tools, before the New York Times Style section publishes another shocking exposé, and there is no more Meshcap to mock.

**Do you know where the Bible refers to chicks in pants? Email
hereiswheretherearechicksinpantsinthebible@nerve.com. We’ll make you famous.

TWIS: This Week in Strippers

3,000 Number of people who showed up to a free male striptease offered by a Mexican mayoral candidate.

18 Number of dollars offered by said candidate to whoever could drink the most beer in one gulp.

3 Number of female Indian dancers forced to perform on a stage in their cell after being jailed on charges of prostitution.

1 Number of officials who claimed the women volunteered to do so.

4 Number of underage strippers arrested by El Paso, Texas, police in a continuing investigation.

1 Number of mothers arrested for driving their daughters to stripping jobs.

19 Age of former stripper who is running for mayor of a Norwegian town.

11 Amount of bond, in dollars, paid by an arrested bride-to-be, after she mistook an officer of the law for her bachelorette party’s stripper.

2 Number of breasts visible on woman arrested for hanging upside down and topless off a moving train.

0 Number of acceptable reasons why a woman was hanging topless off a moving train.

1:20 Odds that the phrase “under the influence of alcohol” appeared in the police report. — Sarah G. Harrison

What Has a Naked Man in Florida Been Up To This Week?

a) Masturbating on the lawn of Governor Bush’s mansion while singing “You’re a Grand Old Flag”

b) Breaking into a home, stealing a gallon of milk, then hijacking a schoolbus full of special-needs children

c) Skipping though the streets of Orlando while singing the National Anthem and masturbating

d) Entering a grocery store, stealing a box of condoms, then trying on several in front of arresting officers while claiming to have a remote-controlled bomb in his rectum

Scroll down for answer.

PDA Banned! No, Wait…

In case you never read the “real” news — and no one’s saying you should or anything — the House of Representatives has just approved a ban on PBA, or partial-birth abortions. (These are never to be confused with PDA, which really should be outlawed.) Apparently, this means a ban is that much closer to becoming law, but CNN has reported this six times already at several different stages in the process, and it’s still not a law, so what the fuck?

Anyway, before I pack up and move to Scandinavia, where I’ll have a fine time drinking rye all night and getting abortions all day, here’s basically what’s been going on. The peeps who support the ban are all, “Partial-birth abortion involves stabbing babies — and occasionally toddlers — in the head, then running them over with steamrollers, we think. It is done all the time, and twice as much during the Christmas season.” The posse that’s against the ban (holla!) is usually more reasonable, although they tend to support their argument with that proverbial twelve-year-old girl who got raped by all her stepbrothers. See, in reality, that girl usually gets an early-term abortion; PBAs (otherwise known as “dilation and extraction”) are typically conducted when a fetus has a fatal anomaly.

And now, because it’s easier to mock other people aimlessly than to generate my own arguments, here’s a post on the subject from a pro-lifer, a plea to the moderator of freerepublic.com:

“could you fix my title i spelled birth wrong”

—Carrie Hill Wilner

Self-Awareness! With Milla Jovovich

“I think that’s one of the only reasons God created celebrities. To help those who can’t help themselves.”

— Jovovich, who spends her Saturdays volunteering to provide remote masturbatory assistance to fifteen-year-old boys

Skank-ass bitches . . .

… Who need to wash up

Don’t get mad when I don’t wanna fuck…

So croons the brilliant DJ Assault on his album Off the Chain for the Y2K, which is something like ninety songs long, all of that caliber. Now, it’s one thing for a booty-music master to take a vehement stance on Personal Daintiness. But here’s something really messed up. When I was in junior high, there was a magazine ad for tampons that read — and I swear — “You’re period’s no big deal. But if your totally hot lab partner knew about it, he’d switch schools.” He’d SWITCH SCHOOLS. Do you hear that? Be ashamed! Cooter, especially yours, is evil and is the primary cause of congressional redistricting because so many people move to get AWAY from it, you filthy bitch!

Eventually I realized that my vagina was the only thing keeping my hot lab partner around, but the ‘pon ads never totally caught up. (For example, what is that blue stuff they use to demonstrate absorbency? If your tampon comes out blue, don’t even bother calling a doctor, hon, because you’re gonna die.) Well, whatever. I guess it’ll be awhile before tampon ads are created with my harsh neo-realist aesthetic in mind, because a British ad for Lil-lets tampons has been attacked for being too direct. The ad, filmed in the style of a ’70s children’s program, features a presenter who demonstrates Lil-lets new Extra Comfort Range — whatever that is — to her co-host Mervin. Mervin is thrilled and delighted, and he offers to test the Lil-lets himself. Nice. Almost as nice as this Kotex ad from 1940:

“…And speaking of secrets – you should take special care about your personal
daintiness at this particular time… When you change, sprinkle some Quest
(the Kotex deodorant powder) on your napkin. If you do this, not even your
worst enemy (or DJ Assault) can make catty remarks about you!”

— Carrie Hill Wilner

Answer to News Quiz

B.

Last Week’s TWIS Asks a Question! Winner

Last week, TWIS dared to ask America, “Did Bush stuff his flight suit, and if so, with what?”

85% of you said yes. 47% of that group made some less-than-inspiring reference to “weapons of mass destruction” and canceled each other out.

Winning response:

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LETS LOOK AT SOME FACTS:

1. Most men who have troubles or difficulty with
sexual performance, specifically loss of
erection firmness, won’t speak openly to their
wives..girlfiends..etc..let alone their
primary care doctor.

— Excerpt from spam email sent to contest address with ‘Bush’ in subject line

About TWIS

TWIS is primarily reported by Carrie Hill Wilner and Grant Stoddard, with other members of the Nerve staff, and is edited by Michael Martin. When we went away for a vacation soon after the revelations, Grant slept upstairs, Carrie slept downstairs. Buddy the Dog stayed close to Grant all weekend. He was the only member of the family who was willing to. We barely spoke to each other all weekend. When we did, it was a tirade. If we missed any sex in the news, email thisweekinsex@nerve.com. Watch for our limited-run UPN spinoff series starring Simon Rex and Amy Linker, who played Sarah Jessica Parker’s best friend on Square Pegs in the ’80s. What the fuck happened to that girl? If you know, email us.

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