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Weekend Review
Plenty More Fish in the Sea

What do we know about the dolphin? Well, they’re oceanic mammals that are incredibly intelligent, playful and communal. They’ve been known to beat down sharks by butting them with their big round heads. They might even come to your rescue should you find yourself at the pointy end of a Great White. But the dolphin’s reputation as our majestic ambassador to the sea was tarnished earlier this week after an incident in the U.K. showed that “Flipper” has been exhibiting some rather antisocial behavior. It turns out the crowd-pleasing mammal is having trouble getting some ass and has turned his lusty gaze to those braving the choppy waters of the English Channel. Swimmers have been warned to stay away from the sexually frustrated dolphin after it attempted to lure unsuspecting humans out to sea in a bid to stick them with his fourteen inch-slippery sea-boner. The bottlenose dolphin, nicknamed Georges, arrived off the coast of Dorset, south west England, two months ago. “When dolphins get sexually excited, they try to isolate a swimmer, normally female. They do this by circling the individual and gradually moving them away from the beach,” a marine mammal expert told reporters. Despite the extremely illegal practice of having sex with animals, dolphinsex.org actually provides some advice on getting it on with a porpoise should you literally wish to be fucked to death.

Science Goes Nuts

Film and television has always offered interesting ideas about what life will be like in the 21st century. Hanna-Barbarra’s The Jetsons surmised that we would drive flying cars and eating meals in pill-form. Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner envisioned a world of human replicants and flying cars, while Luc Besson’s The Fifth Element imagined a future where super models zipped around with Bruce Willis . . . in flying cars. While the recent innovation “IT” shows we still haven’t mastered the flying car, guess which T.V. show’s projection of the future is actually becoming a reality? That’s right, The Six Million Dollar Man. We all marveled at what Steve Austin could do with his bionic appendages, frustrated that we could only dream of what he could do with his aluminum privates. It is therefore with much fanfare that scientists announced this week that they have made a ‘spare part’ breakthrough in the laboratory that could help men missing a ball. Using cartilage from the ear, they have grown replacement testicles — which when viewed out of their usual context must look even sillier. Scientists at Harvard University cultured the tissue in the laboratory and then built a silicone version. They then injected it with the male hormone testosterone, which slowly leaks into the tissue surrounding the testicle and eventually into the body, providing a natural hormone replacement. The testicle can be “re-loaded” when the testosterone runs out, but it does not produce sperm.

Dead Man Wanking

You killed a couple of seniors twenty years ago, you’re in a high-security prison in Tennessee, and you’re about to meet your maker via the electric chair. Things couldn’t be any worse, right? Unless the wardens are shaking you down for your smut collection. Well, it seems one death-row inmate at Riverbend Maximum Security Institution in Nashville, isn’t going to take the prison’s new no-porn policy lying down. In a lawsuit filed Friday, Gary Bradford Cone contends that the state constitution protects inmates’ access to saucy material. Correction Commissioner Donal Campbell, citing security issues (coded al-Qaeda messages within the letters-to-the-editor section, perhaps? Or maybe staples crudely fashioned into shivs?), told prisoners to dispose of sexual materials before the month of May, when guards would begin confiscating their two-dimensional girlfriends. Bizarrely, Herbison is seeking a temporary restraining order (!) against the prison which has not allowed inmates to receive smut through the mail since March. Cone’s having a really shitty week. To top things off, he also just lost a U.S. Supreme Court appeal to commute his death sentence.

Sex Siren

Believe it or not, there are terms for people who get sexual pleasure from flatulence (eproctolagniacs), there is a group of people that enjoy “blumping” (receiving oral sex whilst having a poo), and there’s even a term for people who love a bit of oculophilia (sexual pleasure from licking somebody else’s eyeball) I wonder what crazy term will be used to describe who can get off just listening to a cop show? Earlier this week a Thai man arrested for setting fire to cars said he did it because the sound of sirens sent him into a sexual frenzy. The man told police that after setting the vehicles aflame he went to buy a beer and then called the authorities. He then stayed while the sirens and flashing lights caused him to have an orgasm. Police arrested the man after a witness spotted him driving away from a burning car. When confronted by the police, the man said he felt stressed and had a headache. He added that setting fire to cars relieved the stress. Police revealed that he had been in jail for two years on a similar charge and upon his release, he got a job. . .as a volunteer fireman.

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