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June 8, 2001

Mickey Mouse Obsessions



Brother, you’ve really got to feel for today’s young arch-conservative. His father had the Cold War to hang his flannel hunting hat on. He had Castro and Kruschev and the Cuban Missile Crisis, Reagan and Gorbachev and all that “Tear down this wall” business. It was good work he was doing, important work. But today? Apparently all today’s arch-conservative has to worry about is gay people dancing at Disney World. But that doesn’t stop him from worrying.


    

According to a report on Salon, a pair of dedicated Christian soldiers — guerrillas, actually — spent the week at Lake Buena Vista, Florida, trying desperately to blend and covertly videotaping the events of Gay Days, an eleven-year-old event in which some hundred thousand gays and lesbians gather in Orlando’s theme parks and nightclubs for a weekend of revelry. Apparently, Martin Mawyer and Phillip Vaught of the Virginia-based Christian Action Network intend to bring their footage of the event to Disney’s next shareholders’ meeting in hopes that the company will somehow put a stop to all that infernal dancing. Never mind that Disney doesn’t actually sponsor Gay Days — the organizers don’t rent the park, they just buy about a hundred thousand admission tickets. To Mawyer, there’s no difference. “You don’t spend all year long infiltrating the minds of Americans around the country with commercials of little kids coming down to Walt Disney World to enjoy the rides and not warn them this is not what they’re going to see during Gay Days,” said the scowling CAN president, smearing his pasty torso with glitter lotion and turning to sip at his third Cosmo of the evening.



Sin City West



It really is the American dream. You work your fingers to the bone until they become brittle and fused with arthritis, and at the end of it all, you want nothing more than to pack off to someplace warm, someplace where you can enjoy year-round leisure and old-folks activities like golf, and bingo and hot, wrinkly sex under the desert sun. Someplace like Arizona.


    

Yes, it’s true. Odds are that your dear, sweet grandparents are retired. And if they’re living in a trailer park in Sun City West, Arizona, the odds are surprisingly good that they or a couple they know have been engaging in way too much outdoor freakiness for their (or anyone’s) own good. According to a report in the Arizona Republic, as many as two dozen complaints have been filed at the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office about elderly couples engaging in heterosexual and homosexual activities at several recreation sites in that retirement community — in pools, on golf courses and park benches, in parking lots — and now the Sun City West governing board is asking the Sheriff to help put a stop to it all. “We don’t want to deny anybody their right to healthy sexual expression,” said Mauryne Hall, a spokeswoman for the governing board. “We just want them to do it in a more appropriate place.”



Macaroni No More



If we told you that a man in Italy has used his hand to make his penis bigger, you might not be all that impressed. “Big deal,” you might think, “I do that all the time.” Yeah, well, this is different.


    

According to Ananova.com, doctors in Rome have used parts of a thirty-year-old man’s hand and arm to enlarge what had been an abnormally tiny penis — it reportedly measured in at a solitary inch, preventing the man from ever having had normal sexual intercourse. Now, however, our Italian friend is up to a respectable five inches thanks to Nicolo Scuderi, the surgeon who led the eight-hour operation in which pieces of bone and flesh were added to the patient’s little Roman soldier. “He will gain full sensitivity within two months,” says Scuderi, adding that the unnamed patient’s lifelong dream had been to have sex and, perhaps, become a father. All of which is quite touching, really, but still. That elbow has got to be a bit unsettling.



First Lick Is Free . . .



Say what you will about the three young Colombian sirens who last week went on a binge of roadside robbery in the nation’s capital. At least they gave something back to their victims.


    

According to a Reuters report, a trio of women in their late teens and early twenties set up camp at the side of the road near bars and restaurants in wealthy parts of Bogota, striking seductive poses to lure passing cars. Police say that when men pulled over to, uh, investigate, the women reportedly invited them to lick their bare breasts, which they had smeared with a powerful narcotic. The hapless victims, whose horniness naturally won out over their skepticism, reportedly lost all willpower upon ingesting the narcotic and woke up hours later to find that the women had relieved them of their wallets and cars. The three women have been arrested.



Quotes of the Week



“He said, you know, do it for the family. Do it, do it, do it.”


Swordfish star Halle Berry, on husband Eric Benet’s really supportive attitude toward her topless scene in the movie, on Good Morning America.



“The girls will look sexy and the men will look like strong heroes. They’ll be the envy of other airlines.”


— Givenchy fashion honcho Julien MacDonald on the new, more “stretchy” uniforms he’s designed for British Airways staff, on Vogue Online. The airline’s staff have complained that the new unis will turn them into sex objects.



“I realize my life is unique and some people think it’s a publicity stunt. Well, it isn’t. The relationship with Sandy, Mandy, Jessica and Brande was a normal one — except it involved five people. They were my girlfriends and I was sleeping with all of them.”


— Vocally heterosexual Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner, responding in the New York Post to allegations that his celebrated late-life sexual resurgence is but a facade.


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.