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June 15, 2001

Nude York



Well it was only a matter of time, really. With New York Mayor Giuliani continuing to crack down on all forms of sex in the city (hey, if you can’t join ’em, beat ’em) and Times Square all sparkly clean and free from those pesky strippers, someone finally figured out that if you can’t give your club patrons nudity, why not have them give it to you?


    

That’s the thinking, at least, at Manhattan’s Spa Club, where according to the New York Post, local businessmen and women are engaging in a new ritual, relieving the tension of a long work day by stripping naked and performing sex acts. The amateur strip nights are organized by CAKE, a local entertainment group. According to the paper, a crowd comprised of lawyers, stockbrokers and (of course) Web geeks from Silicon Alley gathered at the club last week to perform strip shows in an enclosed “Freakbox” while a video feed was relayed for some eight hundred club-goers. The amateur strippers, who signed releases authorizing the operators of the Freakbox to use video and still footage of the event, received fabulous prizes for their efforts, including vibrators and other sex toys. “I thought it would be a weird thing, watching normal people take it off in front of everyone,” twenty-seven-year-old Web producer Matthew Beabut told the paper, “but it was lighthearted fun. It makes you wonder why this sort of thing wasn’t happening before in New York,” said Bea, and, well, he’s sort of right. Actually, we happen to know that this sort of thing has been happening in New York since Nerve itself started throwing parties. Of course, the whole thing could be short-lived: Giuliani’s boys in the Consumer Affairs Department have already kicked off an investigation into the unauthorized fun.



Lover’s Day Is for Lovers



It probably shouldn’t come as any kind of surprise. After all, the Brazilian people have never been accused of prudishness, and the Brazilian government is, let’s face it, a government of the people. Still though, it’s tough to imagine the U.S. government ever handing out 800,000 free condoms at movie theaters and newsstands and sent through the mail, much less armsful of free pornographic videos and posters along with them. But that’s exactly what the Brazilians did this week.


    

No, the South American country’s government hasn’t just gone staggeringly sex-positive. The entire giveaway, actually, was an elaborate salvo in the war on AIDS, perfectly timed to coincide with Lover’s Day, the freaky Brazilian cousin to Hallmark’s treacly Valentine’s Day. According to Ananova.com, the Brazilian Health Ministry, in conjunction with the acronym-resistant business coalition named the National Business Council to Prevent HIV/AIDS, targeted the handouts primarily at heterosexuals, who account for nearly half of all new HIV infections in the South American country. And though it’s not entirely clear how free porn will help fight the good fight, perhaps it has something to do with the newly required tobacco-style warning labels affixed to the posters and added to the video presentations, urging would-be porn stars to strap on a condom as soon as the bass-heavy soundtrack kicks in. “I wanted to do something about these kids who watch porn videos all the time,” said Congressman Fernando Goncalves of Rio de Janeiro, who introduced the labeling legislation. “I wanted to tell them not to forget the condoms before they indulge in anything more dangerous.” Brazil has 203,000 registered HIV cases, and an estimated 400,000 more unreported cases, putting them second in the Western Hemisphere behind only the United States.



Maidenform in Distress



There are plenty of good reasons not to get a boob job. Here, then, is just the latest: falsies save lives.


    

Well, no, not falsies, exactly. But Maidenform’s liquid-curved bra, which is of course the latest in low-tech breast augmentation technology, has saved at least one life — and really, who knows how many others? According to the Detroit Free Press, thirty-one-year-old Frankenmuth resident Dana Colwell was cutting her grass this week when an inch-and-a-half-long nail shot out from under her mower and planted itself directly into her chest. Doctors say the injury could have been significantly worse — the woman’s padded bra apparently blunted the force of the blow, possibly saving her life. “The bra was made to enhance a woman,” said Manette Scheininger, the Maidenform’s senior vice president of marketing, when she heard of the incident. “But I was thankful that it deflected the nail.” As was Colwell, who almost didn’t wear the bra at all, being that she was, after all, heading out to mow the lawn. But, she notes, “If I wouldn’t have put the bra on, I probably would be dead,” and if that doesn’t validate everything Jerry Falwell’s been saying since the seventies, well, what does?



Quotes of the Week



“I’ll make it real simple. I’m a 36-C. In the game, she’s a double-D. In the movie, she’s a D. We split the difference.”


Tomb Raider star Angelina Jolie, answering the question on the minds of millions of fan-boys, in Reuters.



“I have seen Nakednews.com, but totally once and just for research purposes, I haven’t seen it since they’ve got the guy on it.”


— ABC news man and apparent Nakednews.com fanatic Sam Donaldson, protesting way too much in the San Francisco Chronicle. Come on — “totally once”?



“Sometimes, when your head hits the pillow and you realize you’ve been battling a six-foot anus all day, you just sleep better.”


Evolution star David Duchovny, taking the words right out of our mouths, in the Los Angeles Times.

Did we miss any sex in the news? Send the story to tips@nerve.com.

©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.