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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“The new trend of dating another celebrity — I basically started that. Right now in Hollywood, what it’s about is which celebrity’s dating which celebrity.”

— P. Diddy

Image of the Week

A fireman in Birmingham, England, “rescues” an inflatable doll, after a truck filled with four tons of paper and sex toys burst into flames on a highway early Wednesday. According to British tabloid The Sun, the six-alarm blaze took four hours to extinguish, and when the extinguishing thing got old, firefighters inflated some of the dolls for fun.

Hail Canada!

Okay. Admitted: TWIS likes to make Canada jokes. And that’s not right. We’re sorry. Canada is a great land. Single-payer health care. Huskies. Bilingual cereal packaging — everyone can say “no sugar added” in French. Plus, if you’re in Europe and tell people you are Canadian, you usually don’t get questioned about your integral personal role in the corporate rape of the developing world. Does it get any better than this? Yes! Canada is joining Belgium and the Netherlands (which TWIS always gets confused with the Netherworld, enabling some interesting misunderstandings in conversation) by allowing same-sex marriages. Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien announced the decision Tuesday, saying it recognized an “evolution is society.” Dozens of couples have obtained marriage licenses, and at least one wedding has already taken place. And that, like the Maple Leaf banner fluttering in the breeze against a crisp winter sky, is a beautiful thing. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Celebrity Sexposé

“The woman’s been with, like, five guys in her whole life. There aren’t many virgins in their 30s. Jen’s about as close as you’re likely to find, certainly in Hollywood.”

— Ben Affleck on Jennifer Lopez

Roe v. Roe

Well, now that Norma McCorvey, a.k.a. “Jane Roe” of the 1973 Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion, is asking courts to reconsider, TWIS might reconsider too. I mean, she says that scientific and anecdotal evidence from the past thirty years invalidates the decision — by showing that abortion has negative effects on women. Negative effects? Really? Shit! And we thought they were good for you, like surgical vitamins! Here we were, getting all these abortions for fun. If we’d known it could have been problematic or complicated, well gee, that changes everything, doesn’t it? McCorvey addressed an anti-abortion rally in downtown Dallas on Tuesday, stating that she regretted her role in Roe v. Wade. She asked courts to consider 5,400 pages of evidence on the negative effects of abortion, including 1,000 affidavits from women who regret theirs. That sure is a lot of regret, and as we know, personal regret is an excellent basis for fair legislation. Sad things = illegal things, naturally. Interestingly enough, amid all this talk of negative effects, no one mentioned the negative effects of inserting a wire hanger into your cervix, but hey. That’s splitting hairs. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Return of the Streak

So you feared that streaking on live television had gone the way of macrame furniture, The Match Game and Burt Reynolds’ career. Well, TWIS is pleased to report that you’re wrong! In a scene that has already been described as “classic” by exactly one other internet pundit, on Tuesday in Bellingham, Washington, a naked undergrad ran through a live shot of KIRO-7 correspondent Dawn Scott — as she delivered a live report from the campus of Western Washington University. Live. As it happened. Scott had just uttered the words, “Students were stunned when,” when . . .

In TV-news parlance, “the return of televised streaking is considered good tonight, in the hearts and minds of ‘racy sex website’ nerve.com.” Having downloaded video of this incident, TWIS can report that the poor correspondent choked harder than we did after trying to play Jonah and the Whale with a GI Joe action figure at the age of six. “Oh… mygoodness… ” Scott blurted, staring blankly into the camera, then down at her notes, until the control room went to the videotaped segment of her report. Not exactly a David Niven moment. Coming up later in TWIS: something else you don’t know about TV news that might arouse you — if it’s not killing your family.— Michael Martin

News Quiz!

This week, a member of Romanian parliament called for a new law that would make it illegal for a women to work as a prostitutes if they . . .

a) supported a rival political party

b) undercut market prices

c) were younger than thirty-five

d) had documentation proving legal residence in Romania

e) were practicing “crimes against nature”

Scroll down for answer.

Six Feet Blunder

Here’s hoping that Friday the thirteenth passed without incident and that you have resumed walking under ladders and handling reflective surfaces. There is only one Friday the thirteenth in 2003. I just checked. This can only be good news for a Taiwanese man who received the double shock of his life last Friday. In a story that reads like a particularly contrived subplot on Six Feet Under, the man was notified that his girlfriend had committed suicide. The unidentified twenty-four year old rushed to a funeral parlor in Tucheng, where he discovered a man’s body lying in his girlfriend’s coffin. The deceased was one Mr. Huang — out of drag. (How his boyfriend explained their relationship to other mourners was not reported, though it’s safe to assume it was an awkward situation.) The couple were together for six months, yet the bereaved boyfriend was unaware of his lover’s biological gender. Huang had been cross-dressing since the age of fifteen; police said he left behind a suicide note blaming society’s inability to accept transvestitism for his death. This is not funny at all, just tragic. And a reminder that we should all specify how — and as whom — we’d like to be memorialized. — Grant Stoddard

Turkey Basted

In 1978, the Turkish prison system was terribly slandered by the classic movie Midnight Express. Corruption, injustice, filth, torture: it’s enough to make you think twice about trying to smuggle hashish out of the country in the first place. (Lightbulb goes on. Perhaps that’s it’s whole message! Hmmmmm . . .) But this week, TWIS can report that a Turkish prison became a place where love can blossom against all odds. In a co-ed facility in Istanbul, a female prisoner who was impregnated by a fellow inmate through the bars of her prison cell gave birth to a son. The woman, who has been jailed for two years, had fallen in love with a gent in an adjacent cell. He ejaculated into a glass bottle and passed it through the bars, and she performed a DIY insemination. The couple are now planning to wed. Aw, bless. — Grant Stoddard

Answer to News Quiz

C.

About TWIS

TWIS is primarily reported by Grant Stoddard and Carrie Hill Wilner and edited by Michael Martin with the assistance of an assembly line of single-task minions we found in the Condé Nast dumpster stamped ‘Vanity Fair.’ Did we miss any sex in the news? Email thisweekinsex@nerve.com.

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