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Big Mack

There is a lot of scientific evidence that cell phones cause brain cancer in humans. Some in the scientific community suggest that pesticides are filtering into the water table and creating physical mutations in animals. These cause-and-effect relationships sound plausible, right? Well, a new report from Japan suggests fast food is to blame for the epidemic of promiscuity among schoolgirls. Apparently getting their lips around a Whopper has turned the teens into Japan’s naughtiest nymphomaniacs. Here’s the (rather suspect) reasoning: “Sex addiction, which involves having sex with numerous different partners over a short period, is related to bulimia. The body absorbs fast food — so popular among young people — unnaturally quickly, making it easy for bulimia to develop.” You’re wondering where this is going, aren’t you? Well…. “Bulimia makes it harder to control the central nervous system and a chain reaction makes it easier to develop other addictions. Sex addiction is a case in point.” Hmmmm. Gynecologist Tsuneo Akaeda runs a free sex consultation clinic for schoolgirls in Tokyo and threw in his two cents. He gave out 300 invitations for teen girls to come in for an exam. Of the 300, 125 turned up to his clinic and 81.6 percent proved to be carrying some kind of venereal disease. “Gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, herpes, genital warts … some girls are carriers of multiple diseases. I had one girl whose herpes sores had spread so far she couldn’t walk any more,” said Akaeda. The doctor stopped short of linking promiscuity with low-grade beef. However, if the claims turn out to be true, look for prophylactics to replace plastic doohickeys in Happy Meals everywhere.

Northern Exposure

The Swedes are an industrious and conscientious bunch. Aside from making the safest cars and taking the brainpower out of purchasing furniture, our Nordic cousins enjoy the highest standard of living in the world. In an effort to raise the profile of some less-than-glam sectors of the Swedish workforce, a national farming organization released a calendar featuring black-and-white photographs of nude, young farmers in agricultural settings. Intended to change stereotypes that cast Swedish farmers as “grumpy old men with hats,” the venture proved very successful: the first run of 7,000 calendars sold out. Ann Linden, one of the calendar’s creators, said her poster boys were “attractive guys about 25 to 30 years old, who breed chickens, cattle or work in forestry.” The calendar’s success was not lost on a group of bandwagon-jumping farmers in a small community thirty miles north of Stockholm, who decided to strip off and make their own. Linden is worried that the copy-cat version could defeat the purpose of the original calendar: the “models” are essentially grumpy old men wearing only hats.

Undercover Lover

When Britain returned Hong Kong to Chinese control five years ago, it sparked huge celebrations across the former colony. But this week, it was revealed that a large number of Hong Kong residents are still partying like it’s 1997 — a fact that doesn’t sit well with the Chinese authorities. They’ve vowed to head off an epidemic of city folk making the walk of shame a little too regularly. Undercover policeman Chiang Man-kei has described how he was tied to a saddle, covered in cream and whipped as part of an undercover investigation designed to uproot fun wherever it may reside. The officer, who wore a G-string during a sex show at a shop called Fetish Fashion, testified in court about two illegal sex parties he had infiltrated. At one, the crowd “cheered like they were at the World Cup” while hot wax was dripped on a man tied to the ceiling. During the second party, the officer became “more confident” and agreed to take part, believing it would help him keep his identity concealed. He told the court he was tied to a saddle while an American woman called “Jessica” spanked, whipped and scratched his bottom. That’s about as raunchy as the evening got for the bewildered cop. When the officer requested a “69,” they served him an order of beef and broccoli.

Pick up a Birdie on the Ninth

Peanut butter and jelly. Fish and chips. Minneapolis and St. Paul. Regis and Kelly. Each item has limited individual appeal, but when paired with the correct counterpart, takes on a much more appetizing identity. In short, some things were made for each other. Traditionally, golf connotes silly outfits, work-shy execs and loveless marriages. However, this week the Hidden Valley Golf Club in Norco, California, connected the dots between “golf” and “hookers.” More than 100 golfers have been detained and six arrested after police broke up a prostitution racket at the club. Turns out that, as part of a recent tournament, participants were offered sex acts for a fee. Tents were set up around the course where said transactions could go down. Acting on a tip, vice cops raided the tents, where they found several young women engaged in activities not normally associated with golf. Representatives of Hidden Valley claimed to be just as shocked as the police. But suspicions were first raised on the course when the familiar cry of “Hole in one!” began to be inexplicably reversed.

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