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This Week in Sex   
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June 22, 2001

A Win-Win Situation



You could say that Aaron T. has won the opportunity to have sex for a Madonna concert ticket. Or you could say he’s won the opportunity to have sex and he’s won a Madonna concert ticket. Either way, this much is clear: Aaron T. has won something. Oh yes, Aaron T. has won something.


    

According to Reuters, the twenty-six-year-old Frankfurter was chosen by German sex columnist Shelley Masters to receive a pass to Madonna’s upcoming sold-out Berlin concert in exchange for sex with, well, German sex columnist Shelley Masters. The whole sordid affair is the result of “In Bed For Madonna,” a contest held by the Web site Thema1. According to the report, readers were invited to submit indecent proposals to any of the online magazine’s staff members, after which the most-requested staffer would get choose his or her favorite. At least 132 applications — complete with requisite nude photos — came in from about a dozen countries around Europe, including propositions to Thema1 employees both male and female, gay and straight. Masters, being a sex columnist and therefore wildly irresistible (ahem), was singled out in ninety of the applications. Masters settled on the “well-built, black-haired” Aaron and — this just in! — had a night of “wild sex” with him.


    

In a related story, This Week in Sex has an extra ticket to next month’s REO Speedwagon gig out at the Orange County Fairgrounds if, you know, anyone’s interested…



Kiss Me, I’m Catholic!



Give Father Georges de Nantes credit. After seventy-seven years of priestly living, the man’s got the rules of Catholicism nailed down, and brother, does he know how to work ’em.


    

Case in point: the kissing rule. What, you’ve never heard of it? ‘Course not, you’re a layperson. Well, it goes something like this: if you’re a priest (or maybe it’s just if you’re a French priest, or perhaps only if you’re this French priest — we’re not too clear on that point), then you have every right to “search out” the lips of your female parishioners (or as you call them, your “spiritual wives”) and give them a nice, loving smack on the lips. Yep: we’re not sure which part of Vatican II dealt with necking, but Father Georges is pretty damned sure of it. And who’s gonna argue with a guy who’s been doing this clergyman thing since the Pope was in knee pants? (Please don’t check our math.)


    

“I have the right and the duty to seek out their lips whenever I want to,” the French priest told the British paper The Daily Express, adding that Jesus himself has assured Father Georges that what he’s doing is a-okay. “Their lips hunger for mine. These kisses are part of the mystical nature of the Church.” Of course, also part of the mystical nature of the Church is excommunication, and the Vatican has kindly requested that the flock-smooching be phased out of Father Georges’ liturgical routine, else Father Georges may be phased out of the Church.




Heightened Sex Drive



It may be the dawn of summer, but apparently spring still lingers in the air over in Europe. And that can only mean one thing: all you Euros would be well-advised to stay the hell off the roads — and away from the rivers, for that matter.


    

What are we talking about, you ask? Well, for starters, there’s that French guy (no, not Father Georges). According to Ananova.com, an Orleans man was out for a drive this week with his prostitute friend when — for reasons we’re sure we don’t have to spell out — he lost control of his steering wheel and ended up driving straight into the Loire River. The local fire brigade reportedly had to be summoned to drag the car and its no-doubt flushed occupants out of the river, giving everyone involved a hearty laugh and a fine story to tell the kids back home. Well, almost everyone.


    

And then, of course, there’s the pathetic case of the fifty-one-year-old German civil servant identified only as Roland S. According to a separate Ananova report, the tragic Mr. S. had spent an afternoon this week with his mates at a pub trying to drink away thoughts of the girlfriend who recently left him after ten years together. Apparently, though, even strong German beer wasn’t enough to soothe Roland’s savage breast, so he set out to find himself some prostitutes (naturally). Unfortunately, the poor sap got lost on his way to the brothel and decided to call a sex line on his cell instead. But alas, drunk, horny and on the phone is no way to navigate city roads, and during “peak calling time,” as it were, old Roland drove his Fiat smack into a pair of parked cars right in the middle of Berlin, resulting in thousands of dollars in damage. Roland was arrested for drunk-driving, but luckily for him, he’s in no danger of losing his driver’s license. As it turns out, he never had one.




Quotes of the Week


“We usually spend evenings not playing pool.”




Angelina Jolie, when asked by Rolling Stone about the pool table in the house she shares with husband Billy Bob Thornton. “I’ve got this weird rug burn,” added Jolie.




“I’m very confident that people will turn up. There’s a lot of interest. It’s a basic circus but with a bit extra.”



— Circus Erotica owner Heidi Rhiann telling Ananova.com of the upcoming British event, which includes naked fire-eaters, naked jugglers, naked trapeze artists and a drag-queen ringmaster.




“At first I worried that some people might think I was gay. And then my second thought was, ‘So what?’ I mean, isn’t that the point, that it should be a non-issue to people?”




ER star Laura Innes, on her character’s lesbian storyline, in TV Guide.


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.