June 1622, 1999
The Joy of Learning, I & II
Tiazinha (“Auntie” in English) came to fame in Brazil as the rather severe host of a television variety show. Dressed in stilettos, bustier, g-string and Lone Ranger mask, Tiazinha regularly disciplines adolescent male audience members who fail to answer current events questions correctly. Punishments have included waxing of contestants’ body hair and whacking them with a riding crop. The phenomenal success of the show has led to a flood of merchandising, but a judge has ruled that the sale of S/M-themed school supplies to minors is improper. A court officer issued a stern warning to store owners that any violators of the ban will be punished. Promises, promises.
A different sort of offensive material infiltrated an elementary school in Panama City, Florida, but fourth grade teacher Wanda Nelson didn’t wait for no stinkin’ judge to act. Catching sight of one of her students leisurely flipping through a magazine picturing naked humans, Nelson swept up the offensive material, tore it in two, and calling it “pornography” tossed it in the trash. As it turns out, the skin mag in question was a collector’s issue of National Geographic. The child had brought it to school after Ms. Nelson suggested students bring reading material from home in case they finished their exams early.
Something About Dairy, I & II
According to Robin Leach, ex-host of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, it was just “a harmless fun whipped-cream fight that lasted less than two minutes.” Leach was responding to a story in the Las Vegas Review-Journal that tells a more colorful tale. In the Review-Journal version, which Leach has dismissed as “totally distorted with numerous incorrect facts and untruths,” the celebrity was having dinner at an expensive steakhouse with six female companions, and eventually one of the women ended up on the table, naked, covered in whip cream, with another of the women licking it off, while Leach poured chocolate syrup on yet another woman’s buttocks. Sounds like a sundae kind of love.
Sex workers in New Zealand who are interested in having “harmless fun whipped-cream fights” of their own can now deduct the supplies from their taxes. The Evening Post has reported that acceptable deduction claims for New Zealand’s prostitutes include condoms, lubricants, gels, oils, bubble bath, lingerie, see-through garments and easy Robin! whipped-cream.
Fun with Body Parts
Doctors in Shanghai report developing a new technique for penis reconstruction. Successfully performed twice, the procedure uses skin and muscle from the patient’s forearm, thighs and stomach to rebuild the penis. According to Chiang Kaixiang, the doctor who devised the procedure, patients are able to regain sexual feeling in the repaired organ. The doctor adds that the process, which is named after him, can also increase the size of the original penis, both in length and diameter. All in all, good news for those of us who enjoy dangling our penises near sharp objects but have never been able to shake the nagging concern that, were something to happen, our replacement penis would be just the same familiar size, or possibly even smaller, than the old one.
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