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Quote of the Week

“We employ Muslim women refugees, use unionized factories, run a “fair trade” project in Brazil, and our wooden dildos are made from naturally felled trees.”

— British entrepreneur Sam Roddick on her self-proclaimed “ethical sex shop,” Metro.

Free to Be . . .You and Me, Re: Sodomy

TWIS has a friend — maybe you know him. Name’s Steve; he’s a great guy. Upon meeting his new roommate, Steve remarked, “He was wearing cowboy boots. He’s either gay or from Texas.” He was from Texas. The point is, Steve, couldn’t he have been both? Don’t let the macho-Republican PR fool you.
Texas is full of queer-friendly cities, like Austin and . . . um . . . well, Austin.  And now they’ve got the legislation to back up their cultural revolution. On June 26th, the U.S. Supreme Court voted 6-3 to overturn a Texas law which made a crime of sodomy, defined as oral or anal intercourse between same-sex partners. This ruling also invalidates similar laws in Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. The ruling does not, however, apply to nine states that outlaw sodomy for both heterosexual and homosexual couples, which is lame. The dissenting Justices were Rehnquist (the chief justice, whom I know nothing about except that he
sucks a lot), Thomas (who is way creepy and also sucks a lot) and Scalia (who sucks most of all and is totally senile). Scalia made the unusual decision
to read his opinion aloud from the bench, and everyone let him, because you have to be nice to old people when they start to lose it.  He complained, “The court has largely signed on to the so-called homosexual agendas. The court has taken sides in the culture war.”  It’s pretty amazing how I have no idea what he’s talking about, even though we ostensibly speak the same language. Culture war? There’s a culture war? 
Furthermore, if there is, can I fly I fighter jet?  If I get to fly a fighter jet, I’m so there. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Happy Fun Speaking-Ill-of-the-Dead Corner!

And in another symbolic victory for gays, people of color, and basically anyone who doesn’t view their linen closet as a second wardrobe, Sen. Strom Thurmond, famed segregationst and heavily spotted Old South stereotype, died late Thursday night at the age of 100.

Why We’re Learning to Like Pam Anderson


“I’ve been fortunate. I haven’t had too many auditions. I slept with all the right people.”

— Pam, quoted this week in People

Being Green: Less Easy Than Previously Established

Desperate times, desperate measures, good tabloid copy. According to a report this week in Japanese rag Asahi Geino, there are only 2,800 female prison inmates in the entire land of the Rising Sun; most of them are in their sexually-peaking thirties. The women are not allowed physical contact, so they must be crafty when relieving sexual tension. After overzealous prison wardens restricted bathing to twice a week and began sniffing inmates’ fingers for telltale signs of digital congress, the jailbirds tried diddling each other with their toes. But that just wasn’t cutting it. Plus someone pointed out it was sort of unsanitary. So a solution was agreed upon: catch a frog in the exercise area so the inmates could take turns inserting the animal into their vaginas. Naturally. One former inmate describes the feeling: “The frog starts to panic and jumps around everywhere. It feels really good,” she said, warning, “You’ve got to be careful, because sometimes you can squeeze too hard and that suffocates the frog. There used to be really big fights among the girls when that happened.” So you could end up with a dead frog in your snatch and a split lip? Oh, the humiliation. — Grant Stoddard

XY Not?

So the Mars/Venus residency issue has been fucked with yet again. Here’s a good study. After years of research, the psychology department at Northwestern University (home to an active frat scene, might I add) has determined, basically, that chicks are horny.  Okay, more precisely:
gay men get turned on by watching men go at it, straight men get turned on by watching women go at it, but women get turned on by everything! They just walk down the street orgasming spontaneously, because that’s just their thing. Okay. More accurately: if you take a lady and hook her up to a device that shines a light into her vagina and then measures the level of
reflected light, working on the principle that the vagina becomes darker during arousal — which is way weird — you will get high arousal readings no matter what kind of porn the lady is watching. Got it?  Good. So far, this study has been used to make all sorts of random extrapolations about female sexuality — for example, the article I’m ripping text from right now begins,
“Just in case you thought female sexuality couldn’t get any more complicated”  Complicated?  What the fuck? How is this complicated? They totally just made that shit up because they thought you’d read and be like
“Oh, those women!  They’re a crazy, confusing bunch!  And here they go again, with the complications and confusion!” To the contrary.  Getting turned on
by watching hot sex is pretty simple.  Dividing hot sex in to categories and only getting turned on by some of those is, on the other hand, complicated. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Slice of Life

HEY! Take the slice of pizza away from your lips, put it down and walk away from the counter — you don’t know where it’s been. But we do. Just when you thought the idea of eating pizza at Dominos could be any less appealing, this icky story spurted forth from the Lone Star State. A man from Harlingen, Texas, is accused of stealing credit card numbers from Domino’s Pizza customers and using them to call a phone sex line. That’s right, while somebody was waiting for their dough-based wheel, twenty-five-year-old Juan Nunez was going tête-à-tête with a hot slut, who was apparently looking to catch a face full o’ cum and was so wet, so so wet. Thievery and lecherousness were not enough for Nunez — he had to lower the already abominable national standard for speedy delivery.  Nunez, who worked at a Domino’s in La Feria, was arraigned Thursday on two counts of credit card abuse.  Bond was set at $50,000, which can buy a lot of Domino’s cheesy breadsticks, let us tell you. Those are so good.  I mean, not to endorse
corporate franchises, or bastardized pizza, or pervs, but man…! In all, Nunez is accused of charging $125 to the sex phone lines. A TWIS tip: next time you order the “meat lover,” hope that the chef isn’t doing the same on the phone. — Grant Stoddard

About TWIS

TWIS is primarily reported by Grant Stoddard and Carrie Hill Wilner and edited by Michael Martin with the assistance of the Daughters of the American Revolution, who just make the cutest little cranberry tarts. Lurlene, have you tried this? If you haven’t, you just haven’t lived. Really, you haven’t! If we missed any sex in the news, let us know at thisweekinsex@nerve.com.

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