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Quote of the Week

My contacts have told me where Saddam Hussein is hiding. He is in Saudi Arabia.

— Naomi Campbell

Image of the Week

Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

Paula Abdul is getting paid to be wrong. Week in, week out she graces our TV screens and — in blatant defiance of Simon Cowell’s common sense and brutal honesty — places hands on heart and tells yet another tone-deaf fashion spastic that they will make it if they just keep trying, if they keep reaching for that bright shining star, yes they will, yes they will!

We used to turn a blind eye to Paula’s nicey-nice bullshit because of her 1989 proclamation “Opposites Attract.” I mean, that’s up there with “energy can neither be created nor destroyed” and “every action has an opposite and equal reaction.” It’s also a statement that meant much to me personally at the time. I remember thinking that if a hastily drawn cartoon cat could bang Paula Abdul, then maybe I had a chance with popular, attractive, smart, athletic Claire Cooper.

I didn’t. That said, every time I see a Hasidic man getting a blowjob from a black tranny hooker in a Williamsburg doorway at 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning, I’m like, “Damn, Paula! It ain’t fiction — it’s a natural fact! Opposites do attract!” But this week, Dr. Peter M. Buston of the National Academy of Sciences debunked Paula’s dictum entirely. Buston surveyed 978 heterosexuals between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four; he discovered that most were attracted to people with similar qualities and values, especially re: income, attractiveness and the desire to have children. In a related story, Professor Adam Cohen of the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens claims to have proven that every rose does not necessarily have its thorn. — Grant Stoddard

Wal-Smart

In an unparalleled feat of mind-fuckery, Wal-Mart has announced that it will expand its anti-discrimination policy to include gay employees. Not
that same-sex couples will get joint benefits or anything — I mean, let’s not be ridiculous — but the company’s training programs on harassment and inappropriate conduct will be revised. This is wonderful news, but it makes me a little bit uncomfortable. I mean, if I can’t make fun of Wal-Mart, what can I make fun of? Watch as my entire identity crumbles before my eyes and I fall to my knees desperately trying to collect the shards.

And what is going on, anyway? This country has gotten gayer in the past two weeks than it had in the last two hundred years. It’s almost too good to be true. I think this is an attempt to distract us while the government builds super-rays that will switch our souls with the souls of ants, so they can sell us as slaves to another galaxy, where we’ll be stuck building space palaces forever.

Said a Wal-Mart spokesman of the new policy, “It was the right thing to do for our 1.5 million employees.” Yes, 1.5 MILLION. That’s more than, like, the armies of every other country in the world combined. Man, seriously, when they take up arms (readily available at Wal-Mart, natch) and start herding us ant-people onto the intergalactic transports, there will be nothing you can do about it. Resign yourself to your fate of space-palace building and album covers with the dirty bits edited out. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Bill of Wrongs

Last week was a good week to be gay, and an equally good week to be Canadian. In fact, if you’re gay and Canadian, you’re probably not reading this at all, because you’re too busy running your hands through your hair and murmuring, completely blissed out from all the awesome legislation rocking your world.

But just when it seemed that the U.S. capital would be relocated to Provincetown (which is much prettier in the summer, FYI), Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist announced that he would support the Federal Marriage Amendment, a proposed two-sentence provision that would restrict legal marriage to the boy-girl kind. It would also prevent non-married couples from obtaining spousal benefits such as health insurance and hospital-visitation rights.

Maybe Frist has a point. Look, unless you’re David Hume — and you’re not, because he’s dead — you can’t argue with the direct causal relationship. Hit
the switch, the light goes on. Eat a sandwich, you’re not hungry anymore. Keep kicking the back of my chair during the movie, you obese popcorn-inhaling bitch, and there will be trouble. Legalize gay marriage,
and you’ve got prostitution and illegal drug activity in the home. Right? Right, according to Frist.

Well, aside from the drugs and prostitution that go
hand-in-hand with gay marriage in, you know, certain alternate dimensions like Narnia, Frist & Co. are worried about the decay of the “institution of
traditional marriage,” which they consider universally beneficial.

Hm. When I was growing up, all the kids I knew with gay parents were supercool and had cool toys and went on cool vacations and did well on the SATs. The kids with straight parents mostly just did whippets a lot. When do I get to testify before Congress? — Carrie Hill Wilner

Us Weekly Deprogramming Session #1

Ten Things to Care About This Week Other Than Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s Secret Love Nest

1) The Supreme Court’s determination that “Wanted” posters bearing the photos of abortion doctors were not free speech, but rather unlawful threats of violence for which the American Coalition of Life Activists must pay
damages.

2) The slowly expanding universe.

3) The headline “Salads Declare Independence,” which actually appeared in The New York Times.

4) This question: why has Jesse Ventura’s talk show been delayed? Is he an unpolished on-air performer, as is claimed, or simply too vast to share the screen with anyone else?

5) The U.S. Air Force Academy panel that reviews sexual-misconduct allegations includes a woman who once said, “The battered-women’s movement has
outlived its useful beginnings.”

6) This question: did Bill Hemmer — the one-man ‘NSYNC of a CNN anchor — perhaps appear in Mormon-themed adult videos? Or does it just seem that he would? And if he did, what would that look like?

7) The headline “Latins Are Not Lousy Lovers,” which actually appeared in The New
York Times.

8) Your fear of dying alone.

9) The role of women in a restructured and likely fundamentalist-theocratic Iraq.

10) Nicole Kidman and Lenny Kravitz.

Spending Cuts

If you live in Florida and want to put the apple of your eye under the
knife, it is now going to cost you. Beginning Friday, circumcision is no
longer covered by Medicaid in the wang-shaped state, which will save the government
$2.3 million a year and hundreds of thousands of young boys some pain and
perhaps a decrease in sexual pleasure. Welcoming the change is Ed Rose, a
University of West Florida student and head of the Pensacola chapter of the
Circumcision Resource Center. To him, the issue is simple: “Being born male is not a
disorder requiring surgical correction.” — Grant Stoddard

That’s debatable. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Conceptual Art for Dummies

The casual tone with which crotch-shaving is addressed would imply that there were no hazard involved. This is a nasty lie. Say you’re going out with someone, and you decide to shave. Then he calls and says, Shit, I have to work tonight, can we do tomorrow? You have to say no, because tomorrow you’re going to be covered with itchy red bumps, and it is going to be gross. Shaving narrows the potential play-getting window to approximately twelve to eighteen hours from Time of Inception. It’s like a bomb you have to defuse before the timer goes off and everyone dies.
So that’s why all this playful bikini-line-fixing stuff is misleading, not to mention a bad idea. It’s not a game, it is weapons-grade explosives.

That in mind, the latest sexual suicide aid available to you is an electric shaver from Remington, which was just released in the UK. It was intended for thems who wants to shave their pubics into cute little shapes, like hearts and letters and inkblot suggestions of cognitive deficiency.

The Remington Co. determined there was a market for this device after a study found that thirty-six percent of women had trimmed their hair into a specific design. Another fourteen percent had trimmed their hair into an inspecific design: a mélange of line and contour embodying, in the words of the Dadaist Manifesto: “the primitive relationship to ambient reality.” — Carrie Hill Wilner

Weekend Review Asks a Question

Grant Stoddard maintains that during World War II (“maybe WWI”), the severed foreskins of infant American males were shipped to Europe, where they were pressed, shaped, cured and used as headgear for carrier pigeons. At one point he said he “read it somewhere.” When pressed further, he said
“some fat guy down the pub” told him. Now he can’t remember if he dreamt it or not. This has been a
topic of debate since Carrie joined the TWIS/TWR quango and called bullshit on it. It’s something we’d like to get squared away once and for all. So if anyone has any info, please write to:

didpigeonshaveforeskinsforhelmets@nerve.com

Really. We’re serious.

About TWR

The Weekend Review, formerly This Week in Sex, is Nerve’s Friday roundup of the previous seven days’ socioculturapolitical news as it pertains to sex, dating and relationships. Or perhaps “it” pertains to none of those things. We changed our name because we’re going Hollywood, and our agent said “Sex” wouldn’t work on a marquee.

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