This Week in Sex: 7.6.99

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This Week in Sex   
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June 30–July 6, 1999

You Can Just Tell

Inmates in Great Britain may finally be granted access to condoms, thanks to
Judge David Latham’s ruling. While he did not call banning condoms unlawful (and indeed his ruling underscored the Prison Service’s right to “not be seen to encourage homosexual activity”), he did mandate that prison medical personnel have a duty to protect prisoners from the spread of HIV: “It seems to me that whenever a prison medical officer is satisfied that a request for condoms is from a genuine homosexual who is intent on indulging in what would otherwise be unsafe sex, he should prescribe condoms.” Yet another blow to the faux homosexual community.

Officer Observed Defendant . . . How Shall We Say?

In 1993, two undercover cops witnessed strippers at the Mercedes Club in Springfield, Missouri, performing what they later described as simulated acts of “oral copulation” with dollar bills. Claiming the performance violated state liquor regulation’s prohibition on lewd acts, the club was given a ten-day suspension. But club owners successfully appealed the ruling, arguing that since “oral copulation” isn’t in the dictionary, the regulation was unenforceable. The case finally made it to the Missouri Supreme Court, which promptly voted to throw out the appeals court ruling, unanimously agreeing that the expression is commonly understood to mean oral sex. That’ll come as news to those who are still throwing around the phrase “waxing the Lincoln.”

Scent of an Old Woman

Forget C.K. One — granny’s pits are where it’s at. A recent study at the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia found that the armpit odor of elderly women was most likely to have a “mood-enhancing” effect on the three hundred college students who volunteered as test subjects. Sources have yet to confirm whether homemade oatmeal cookies are now being served along with the spiked punch at frat parties.

They Brought Back Lava Lamps, Didn’t They?

Fifteen years ago, San Franscisco’s bathhouses were shut down by the city’s health officials; this week, a petition to have them reopened failed to get the required number of signatures to make it onto the November ballot. “I want that kind of bathhouse facility with condoms, safe sex information, showers and locked cubicles — and safe sex in the cubicle too, don’t get me wrong,” said Michael Peterlis, who circulated the petition. Local newspapers and health officials are calling the movement irresponsible and absurd, but Petrelis is unrepentant: “Fifteen years of prohibition is what I’m trying to overcome.” Why not just use the public restrooms at Wendy’s like the rest of us?

Quote of the Week

“There are too many children here, maybe we should suppress our urges a little bit.” — Filipino President Joseph Estrada, commenting on the overwhelming number of children at a subsidized housing project in Manila.

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Leif Ueland received a Master’s Degree in the Professional Writing Program at the University of Southern California. He has written for public radio’s Marketplace and several newspapers, and had a play produced in Minneapolis. His first book, Accidental Playboy, was published by Warner Books in November 2002.

©1999 Leif Ueland and