Regulars

This Week in Sex

Pin it

 REGULARS
Weekend Review
Spray You Love Me

As Em and Lo stated in their latest advice column, there are several things one can do to heal and eventually overcome the pain of a love lost. Among other things they wisely suggest finally getting around to painting your apartment, snogging strangers in bars, forgoing western standards of personal hygiene and, most importantly, furiously masturbating as if one’s life depended on it. They are extremely knowledgeable about all matters of the heart and have even written a book that one can use to negotiate the highways and byways of love land. Planned for release in spring of 2003, The Big Bang: Nerve’s Guide to the Sexual Universe boasts a large section on pleasing the one you love the most. It also has tips on how not to go about your onanism, specifically hints on what not to stick you-know-where. It’s a shame that a certain Romanian woman didn’t get her hands on an advance copy. This week it was reported that the Carpathian lonely-heart had to have an aerosol can removed in hospital after her attempt at a romantic evening alone misfired. Vacationing alone on the Black Sea coast, the woman decorated her hotel room with candles and flowers and put on some sexy background music. But the night of self-appreciation ended in pain and embarrassment after she tried to use a can of deodorant as a sex aid. The woman, named “Marcela M.” by the Romanian press, told doctors she had just broken up with her boyfriend and wanted to prove to herself she could do without a man. “After all this talk about a hole in the ozone,” remarked a local man, “it’s interesting to hear the phrase inverted.”

Hairy Sleuven

A few weeks back, This Week In Sex reported a story about a Thai man who was sexually aroused by the sound of fire truck’s sirens. After a short stint in the big house for arson, the twisted fire starter got himself a proper job — as a volunteer fireman. Makes sense right? Well, next time you’re at the hair salon or barbershop make sure you get a good look at your stylist’s mug. Is he or she trembling with excitement as they run their digits through your crowning glory? If so you may be unwittingly giving unspeakable pleasure to a comaphiliac: one who is sexually aroused by touching another’s hair and scalp. This week, police in the Netherlands reported they were powerless to act against a truck driver, named Harry Sleuven, who continued to pose in the lowlands as a hairdresser in order to gain sexual thrills. Local cops say the lying Dutchman isn’t committing a crime because he isn’t sexually assaulting the women or committing any lewd act while working on their hair. The women are left disappointed by his work, as Sleuven has no training or skill for styling hair. Sleuven tells women he is an assistant to a famous hairdresser in the region and asks if they would like an appointment. Shaggy haired “victims” say Sleuven is ugly and shabby looking, and never uses a comb on his own hair. “He just moved his hands through my hair, sobbed one woman from beneath her newly acquired Rod Stewart-esque do, “Looking back, I don’t know why I invited him into my house.”

A Happy Medium

Tarot cards, astrology and palm reading. Three of the most popular methods that otherwise logical people use to predict their future. Then there are the more regional strains of clairvoyancy: Ruhn stones in Scandinavia, reading tea leaves in the British Isles and now, from the fatherland, a new and bizarre twist on gazing into the future. In Germany, a blind man is causing a stir with his readings of the town folk’s heinies. Thirty-nine-year-old clairvoyant Ulf Buck, who has been totally sightless since the age of three, claims he can read people’s futures by feeling the lines on naked buttocks in the same way that palm readers do. “The bottom is much more intense — it has a much stronger power of expression than the hand in my experience,” Buck told reporters earlier this week. “I am not a new-age freak,” insisted the cheeky ham-grabber. “All sorts come, from cleaning ladies and secretaries to prominent members of the community. For them, my being blind is an advantage because I can do it without recognizing them again in the future.” Buck says even amateur buttock readers can make a broad-brush assessment of people’s personalities. “An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life,” he said. “A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth.” He is quick to shoot down anybody that implies that his buttock groping might be motivated by anything other than a genuine desire to probe people’s futures. “I do not need to feel bottoms for my own pleasure. My wife is quite beautiful enough for me,” he said. Buck is reluctant to speak about his successes, but says he correctly predicted that an actress from a popular German soap-opera was going to write a book.

last week

  |  next week