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July 13, 2001

What Would Mick Jagger Do?



Richard Davis was a virgin. He was a forty-two-year-old virgin, and he
lived a modest life to match his modest track record, one highlighted by an
occasional sip of wine and regular, rousing matches of bridge. Then he
started in with a clinical drug trial, and before long he was hitting the
clubs, singing karaoke all night, putting away the champagne by the magnum
and bedding multiple women at a time.


    

Sounds like a lawsuit to us, brother.


    

Yep. According to reports in several British papers, the North Londoner is
suing drug company Novartis Pharmaceuticals UK and several other parties,
apparently because they made his life just too damned good. Davis, who
participated in the drug trial from 1989 to 1995 to treat a non-malignant
pituitary gland tumor, says the side effects of the drug, known as
Bromocriptine, turned him into a “deranged sex maniac” who spent so much
money on hookers and booze that he went bankrupt. “I was waking up at five
a.m. in some toilet of a hotel, blind-drunk after having spent probably a
thousand pounds just on hostesses at a nightclub,” Davis told the British
High Court. “This wasn’t once a year. This was every night.” Davis says
that the drug, which awakened a libido long-suppressed by the tumor,
altered his lifestyle so drastically, in fact, that “Instead of being home
watching television I would be in bed with one or more women or going to
hostess clubs.”


    

Davis wants eight million pounds from the drug company. And for what it’s
worth, the free advertising might make it worth their while.


Buzz Marketing



You probably have a cell phone, and that cell phone probably has a silent,
“vibrate” feature. It’s a particularly handy feature — handy when
you’re in a meeting, or at a movie, or perhaps in a loud nightclub. But
there’s only so much that the little vibrating battery can do, after which
you really need something more to fulfill your, uh, dialing needs. Credit
Dutch cell phone dealer Tring for figuring that out this week — big
time.


    

According to the New York Post (which appears to have lifted the
story, almost verbatim and without attribution, from Ananova.com), the
Hague-based dealership has begun a new promotion in which they’re giving
away a free Nokia phone to every new customer — along with a free,
battery-powered vibrator (as if drivers weren’t already distracted enough).
But as exciting a deal as it must be for The Hague’s cell-phone-buying
teens, not everyone is happy with the campaign. The folks at Nokia are,
understandably, less than thrilled (they’ve reportedly labeled the
promotion “disgusting”), and phone company KPN has asked the dealer to find
some other freebie. “That’s not the way we want to be presented to the
public,” said a KPN spokesman.



Artificial Hip ‘n’ Dale’s



For some, life as a sex symbol is a blessing. For others, it’s a burden.
And for the men of the Carlisle retirement complex in Lantana, Florida —
well, it might just be a serious physical threat.


    

According to the New York Times, some twenty
Carlisle retirees, ranging in age from quite old to really quite old, posed
for an elder-beefcake calendar, to be distributed throughout the retirement
community. Though they were fully clothed for their photos (with the
exception of a racy shot of ninety-two-year-old Ray Fox doing the
backstroke in the community pool, about which we’ll let you make your own
lewd assumptions), the men have become highly sought-after bachelors in
this nearly eighty-percent distaff village — and apparently, the
ladies’ lust for a little elder-action has devolved into overt stalking. “I
love these women,” said eighty-nine-year-old model Paul Smallen, “but God,
I wish they’d leave me alone. They’re chasing me all over the place. I’m a
very tired man.” Of course, not all of Carlisle’s women are running
after the calendar boys. “They have gone hysterical,” says
ninety-two-year-old Syd Rabin of the models’ pursuers. “They don’t care if
those men are eighty, ninety, 104 — as long as they’re breathing. And
those men are now so conceited. They press their pants, they’re putting on
ties, their teeth are clean.”


    

Not that those teeth are originals. As one Carlisle man was quick to admit,
“Some of us don’t have all our parts anymore.” Added another, “And some of
us got ones we didn’t come with.” And still don’t, we presume.



Quotes of the Week



“Instruments are like women: after a while, you want to make love to
another.”




— Air’s Nicolas Godin in Rolling Stone.





“I love it when women and men, whether they are gay or whatever, can relate
to the basic emotion because we all have the same emotion. That’s been
important to me.”




— Openly gay singer Melissa Etheridge on why she avoids
specific pronouns in her love songs. Etheridge’s new album, Skin,
contains her first-ever overtly gay reference.





“He was naked, but somehow he was missing his private parts.”




— Actress Marley Shelton in Movieline, giving an
inferiority complex to the blow-up doll her friends gave her at her Las
Vegas bachelorette party.


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.