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This Week in Sex   
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July 14, 2000: 365 Days in Sex



TWIS columnist Dan Reines is on his honeymoon this week. As this also marks the approximate one-year anniversary of the column, we have summarized the 365 days in sex according to our favorite recurring themes — Sex and the Law, Sex in England, Sex in Other Foreign Countries, Sex and Religion, Sex and Science, Animal Sex, Sex and Sports, Sex Changes and Celebrity Sex. Dan will return next week.





Sex and the Law


    His Girlfriend Didn’t Buy It Either


    July 31 – August 6, 1999: A Texas man on probation is caught attempting to evade his mandatory twice-weekly drug test by using a fake penis and someone else’s urine.



    Jewel Thief


    October 8, 1999: In Toronto, a woman was arrested this week for allegedly squeezing the genitals of elderly men as a means to pick their pockets and steal their wallets.



    Special Sauce


    February 18, 2000: Police have been unable to apprehend a Philadelphia man who has been terrorizing the employees at local fast-food restaurants by ordering food in the drive-through and then masturbating in front of the female workers when he reaches the pick-up window.



    Hard Bargain


    March 24, 2000: Police in Westminster, Colorado arrested five people last week for their roles in a cruel and unusual scam where women lured men into paying for sex and then sprayed them with Mace.



    Rod for a Rod


    April 21, 2000: A San Francisco man faces felony charges of assault and throwing objects at moving vehicles after he was caught hurling eight-inch pieces of reinforcing metal off the roof of a convent in an effort to deter men from coming to the Mission District to pick up prostitutes.



    Boxers or Briefs?


    May 19, 2000: Police are searching for a Southern California flasher who has chosen to mask his identity by flashing with a pair of underwear over his face.



    Hot Wheels


    June 30, 2000: A twenty-one year old Hampton, Virginia man was pulled over and arrested for public display of obscene material after a state trooper spotted X-rated videos being displayed from his car on three separate screens.




Sex in England


    The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!


    September 18 – 24, 1999: According to a survey conducted by a British condom manufacturer, British youth (ages 16-21) shags approximately 133 times a year, more times than the youth of any other country in the world, including the United States.



    Ecstasy Not Included


    December 10, 1999: In London’s Millennium Dome, the creators are planning a giant “womb room” where the act of conception will be recreated, including a 45-second film where computer generated sperm performs a war dance as they race toward their target.



    Silver Foxes


    January 28, 2000: Angela Baker and ten of her fellow members of the Rylstone District Women’s Institute, aged 45 to 66 caused a surprise sensation when they posed for a pinup calendar in order to raise money to fight leukemia, the disease that killed Baker’s husband.



    London . . . France . . . Yadda Yadda . . . The Queen of England’s Underpants


    February 18, 2000: One of Queen Elizabeth’s bodyguards admits to nearly absconding with Her Highness’s knickers back in 1992, after helping to clean out the Queen’s personal effects after a fire broke out in Windsor Castle. What stopped him? He realized the Queen was standing right behind him.


    All Too Direct Marketing


    June 16, 2000: By order of the British government, London sex workers are no longer allowed to leave their cards in the red phone booths, citing that they remove about 150,000 of the advertisements each month from the ubiquitous booths.


Sex in Other Foreign Countries


    That’s a Gun in Her Pocket and She’s Happy to See You


    September 11 – 17, 1999: In Goettingen, Germany, police are on the lookout for an unidentified young woman who has been running around town threatening people with a gun and ordering them to have sex — with each other.


    Just a Little Trim


    March 17, 2000: Police arrested eight people in Le Salon, a Laval, Quebec hair salon where stylists routinely stripped, performed exotic dances and talked dirty as they cut their clients’ hair.



    Kenya P.D. Blue


    March 17, 2000: A group of Kenyan women, fed up with their husbands coming home drunk and impotent, stormed a police station this week and demanded the officer in charge of the Kandara police station either find new husbands for them — or order his officers to make love to them.



    Bjorn-ography


    March 31, 2000: Members of the Swedish Hotel Workers Federation are calling for protection from male hotel guests who become “over-excited” from watching hardcore pornography in their rooms. Not only do the hotel chambermaids fear for their safety at the hands of aroused guests, they “have to dry off sticky television screens and clean stained sheets as well as picking up used tissues thrown under beds.”




Sex and Religion


    Moonie Walking


    February 11, 2000: In a rally sponsored the Reverend Moon’s Unification Church, five hundred youths from around the world gathered in Seoul, Korea in an effort to put an end to casual and premarital sex once and for all.



    Provo-cations


    February 11, 2000: Controversy ensues after students at the Mormon Brigham Young University create NCMO (short for “Non-Committal Make-Out), an online service that specializes in pairing students up for a little pre-marital lip lock.



    Sin.com


    June 9, 2000: The editor-in-chief of Famiglia Cristiana, an Italian Catholic newsweekly close to the Vatican, has come out firmly against virtual sex, stating that “virtual reality can be just as much of a vice as reality made up of facts and actions.”




Sex and Science



    Scent of an Old Woman


    June 30 – July 6, 1999: A recent study at the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia found that the armpit odor of elderly women was most likely to have a “mood-enhancing” effect on the three hundred college students who volunteered as test subjects.



    The Spy Who Loved Me


    August 28 – September 3, 1999: As part of a security crackdown amidst fears of espionage, Department of Energy policy demands that scientists must now report any “close and continuing contacts” with foreigners; one-night stands, however, are specifically exempted.



    Petri Dick


    November 19, 1999: The Impotence World Association announced last week that it may be possible within 25 years to artificially grow penises and vaginas from human cells in a lab in order to produce fully functional sexual organs.



    In, Out. In, Out — It Keeps Coming Back!


    December 24-31, 1999: After observing eight Dutch couples having sex in an MRI, sex researchers have concluded that the penis assumes the shape of a boomerang during missionary sex rather than staying straight or forming an “s” shape in the vagina.



    Hooked on a Feelin’


    January 28, 2000: Runyoka, an anti-infidelity spell and “human central-locking system” practiced by healers in Zimbabwe, is gaining popularity. The spell ensures that if a woman sleeps with another man, the two will not be able to uncouple until the man who casts the spell allows them to do so.



    Gaydar 2.0


    March 31, 2000: A University of California team establishes further evidence that sexual orientation is at least partially determined in the womb by citing a correspondence between homosexuality and the length of the index and ring fingers.



    Restoration Hardware


    April 28, 2000: A Pittsburgh man, angry at his perceived loss of sexual sensation from being circumcised as an infant, announced that he has regrown a foreskin by means of using surgical tape, paper and a suspender belt.



    Science Fiction


    May 12, 2000: A Colorado man claiming to be conducting a study on “physiological changes in women before and after the G-spot orgasm” was arrested after one of his potential subjects suspected the project wasn’t legit. He had already paid four other women ten dollars each for their contribution to his “research.”




Animals


    A Bug’s Sex Life


    July 14 – 20, 1999: In order to help frustrated cranberry growers combat fruitworms and moths (their adult counterparts), scientists have managed to isolate, simulate and bottle the moths’ own pheromones in order to cast them into a blind, pubescent tizzy from all the love potion floating around — thus resulting in a lower birthrate of the dreaded Sparganothis fruitworm.



    Free Willy


    August 14 – 20, 1999: After refusing to don a wet suit, a swimsuit-clad Norwegian man swimming off the coast of Norway was circled and then nearly mounted by a randy dolphin.



    And Now for Something Completely Condom-Free


    September 4 – 10, 1999: In order to encourage breeding among the endangered New Zealand kakapo, biologists are considering using a relative of Viagra in order to stimulate the female birds.



    This Week in Animal Sex


    January 21, 2000: In an attempt to explain in part how the gene that carries homosexuality reproduces itself, researchers have demonstrated that female beetles simulate lesbian sex in order to attract more desirable mates.



    Ling-Ling Lovin’


    April 21, 2000: In order to encourage panda bears to mate and ensure the species survival, Chinese zoologists have observed increased chances of impregnation when the bears were given doses of Viagra along with “mating videos.”




Sex and Sports



    Not Tights: The Required Uniform


    October 15, 1999: Lenny and Lodi, two exceptionally fey wrestlers who regularly got the crap beaten out of them by other wrestlers, much to the crowd’s delight, have been removed from the World Championship Wrestling line-up after the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation wrote a furious letter to TNT insisting that “the character of Lenny is presented with the intention to incite the crowd to the most base homophobic behavior.”



    Daddy’s Girl


    November 5, 1999: Pleased to have caught the eye of Derek Jeter, her favorite Yankee, and to have been able to give a shout-out to her dad back in Indiana, Sarah Miltenberger was arrested for dancing naked on a third-floor terrace during the parade to honor the World Series Champions.



    Take That, Brandy Chastain


    November 5, 1999: Ohio State women’s rugby team was suspended from games and practices pending an official ruling from the university after a photo of the team posing topless in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. made it’s way into the Washington Post.



    Faster, Higher, Stronger . . . and Lots More Sex!


    February 4, 2000: Since nine million tourists are expected to come to Australia for the twenty-seventh Olympiad, Catherine O’Malley, madam of Sydney’s Executive Retreat, is building a new building next door to her existing brothel, complete with fifteen bedrooms, a fitness center, disabled access, pool tables and, of course, a cash machine.



    Denial Is a River in Turkey


    April 14, 2000: The Turkish Traditional Sports Federation Chairman is furious over the fact that a group of homosexuals calling themselves the Bears of Turkey is offering a tour in order to watch the nation’s wrestling championships, despite the fact that Turkish oil wrestling involves big, beefy Turkish men in leather rolling around in olive oil and grabbing the opponent’s genitals.


Sex Changes



    This Week in British Transgender Law


    July 31 – August 6, 1999: Last week a three-judge panel in London ruled that transsexuals suffer from a legitimate illness and not simply a state of mind (as the British health authorities had earlier deemed the condition), making them eligible for free treatment under Britain’s National Health Service.



    Here’s Something You Don’t See . . . Ever


    September 11 – 17, 1999: Ara Tripp, a transsexual female construction worker, was charged for trespassing and indecent exposure when she took off her top and climbed a 150-foot high-voltage electrical tower, forcing the power company to shut off service to the surrounding area.



    His and Hers or . . . Hers and His?


    September 25 – October 1, 1999: The Hungarian media claims that since a local husband is a woman trapped in a man’s body and his wife is a man trapped in a woman’s body, the couple will undergo simultaneous sex change procedures at their local hospital.



    Let’s Hope She Kept the Extra Parts


    June 23, 2000: Discouraged by the intolerable restrictions against women and despite having already had a sex change from a man to a woman, Maryam (formerly Mehran) wants another sex change so that she can once again live as a man in male-dominated Iran.



Celebrity Sex


    “I’m a dildo, Harvey. I’m a dildo, Harvey.”




    — Mantra repeated on command by Miramax mogul Harvey Weinstein’s personal assistant, according to a report in the Post.



    “I’ve actually given up Tantric sex. What I’m trying to get Trudi into now is Tantric shopping, where you go shopping for five hours and you don’t buy anything.”




    — Musician Sting, on his wife, Trudi Styler. Though apparently not as often.



    “I need more sex, okay? Before I die, I wanna taste everyone in the world.”




    — The newly married Angelina Jolie, as quoted in May’s British GQ. And no, she’s not talking about you.



    “There are two types of people who oppose pornography — people who don’t know what they’re talking about and those who don’t know what they’re missing.”




    — Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, during a Beverly Hills debate on pornography with rabbi and Kosher Sex author Shmuley Boteach.



    “I don’t mind feeling like a prostitute. Tonight I certainly do. It feels like a gangbang out there.”




    David Duchovny, at the L.A. premiere of his new film, Return to Me.


    “Gay people . . . [don’t] . . . come on to very obviously heterosexual people like me. I always find gay people very respectful of the fact that I’m so obviously heterosexual.”




    — The obviously heterosexual James Woods, in Movieline.



    “I think the Pill altered female thinking. When you think that millions of women were taking daily hormones, you cannot deny that it must have changed their personalities. I truly don’t think feminism would have reached such absurd proportions if there were no Pill. It must have had an effect.”



    — Director/fugitive Roman Polanski, in Esquire



    “Every so often when I’m dribbling down the court, the ball bounces up and gets caught in my vagina.”




    — Former professional basketball player Mariah Burton Nelson, on the answer she wishes she’d given to male sportswriters who questioned her about the difficulties of playing basketball as a woman.



    “I do not need a man. I am devoted to masturbation. I think it’s probably one of the most pleasurable experiences in life. I had and have no guilt whatsoever when it comes to pleasuring myself.”




    — Eighty-nine-year-old actress Gloria Stuart, who played the elderly Rose in Titanic, writing in her steamy, soon-to-be-released autobiography, I Just Kept Hoping.






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