Weekend Review

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Weekend Review
Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

“I spent most of the movie wet.”

— Keira Knightley, on shooting Pirates of the Caribbean alongside Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp.

Random Thought of the Week

This week: porn movie titles.

Grant: A Jamaican stud search. Here’s your title: Privates of the Caribbean.

Carrie: That’s terrible.

Grant: It’d be rated Arrrrrrrr!


Love Rat!

I’d never heard the term “love rat” until today, when I saw it in an article about a newspaper columnist who dressed up like a rat and accosted James Hewitt, the former British soldier who shtupped Princess Di and is now trying to sell her love letters to the highest bidder. The journorodent kept calling Hewitt a “love rat” in an attempt to show that even a seven-foot-rat wasn’t as big a rat as Hewitt. British tabloids hammering a point home with costumes. Brilliant.

The whole thing made me think, as tabloid headlines will: love ____(animal of your choice). There’s so much descriptive potential there. For example:

1. The love Vietnamese pot-bellied pig: this is a bf/gf who you think reflects well upon you and your alternative sensibilities. In reality, they’re just weird, and now no one wants to come to your house anymore.

2. The love giant squid: You know how no one’s ever seen a live giant squid? Well, a love giant squid is like that boyfriend invented by the sort-of- unpopular girl in junior high. She told everyone about him, and when people started to catch on, she said he’d been killed in a knife fight or something.

3. The love tarsier (pictured, above right): Tarsiers are fucking cool. They look like Gizmo, and they make you think, Is that for real? The love tarsier is someone who is way too cool for you. You look at them and think, are they for real? Then your friend points out that they look like Gizmo, and you’re not so hot on them anymore.

4. The love third-grade gerbil: This is the sweetie you take home over Christmas vacation. You forget to feed them, and they die. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Class Whorefare

Not much happened in the southern English town where I grew up, so I used to hang out in Southend-on-Sea a few miles away. Not much happened in the appropriately acronymed S.O.S. either, but at least you could rely on some hapless gent catching a pint glass with his face before the night was over.

So imagine my surprise when the Sun, the UK’s most widely read “news” paper, identified Southend as England’s capital of wanton lust. “I’ve had a couple of bonks down on the beach,” one resident was quoted as saying. “Once I pulled a gorgeous blonde who wanted to do it in the sea. We stripped off and ran giggling into the water.” My recollection of the Southend surf is that it brims with turds that are known locally as “Southend Trout.” That fecal matter, along with plastic bags and used condoms, are the only things that prevent the waves from freezing over completely.

I guess I’m just pissed that I didn’t get any. In the Sun story, Sarah Cullen, 23, added, “We’re all pretty raunchy here, but we like to do it with a bit of class. I often strip off on the beach with my man and a bottle of champagne. I’ve done it in the toilets of a train, which was a real thrill.” Sarah, honey, you’re my homegirl, but no amount of champagne is going to make getting taken from behind on a British Rail crapper “classy.” — Grant Stoddard

Girl, I Didn’t Know You Could Get Down Like That On the Interred Remains of a Former President

Don’t you just hate it when someone you’ve been doing all along gets really popular and trendy, and then no one believes (and/or cares) that you were on that shit from the start. For example: wearing two bandanas as a shirt was au courant a couple of summers ago. But I’ve been doing that since I was old enough to suck in my stomach. Although I’ve abandoned that practice after too many lectures about inappropriate office attire, there are a few other cultural fixtures that I am responsible for, and I’d like to clear those up now. I am responsible for the verb “to mack” and for the ubiquity of the tank top. There. Now, tie me to the bedpost and call me whiny trendster trash, but I’m going to complain about one more Carrie trademark that has been co-opted by the mainstream: behaving in a patently inappropriate way on the steps of Grant’s Tomb. (Ulysses S. Grant, not our Grant. Maureen Dowd gave him back – see last week’s TWR – after a bloody battle in which we tore off her arm. It’s now displayed on the wall of our Great Hall.)

See, back in the day, when I was keeping it real — as I tend to — me and my buddies would sit on the steps of Grant’s Tomb in NYC’s Riverside Park. We would drink 40s of beer, smoke up and publicly make out with each other. I know someone who got pregnant on those steps. But now, who’s making news for basically the exact same thing? Beyoncé. On Saturday, the president of the Grant Monument Association wrote to NBC, the Secretary of the Interior and the director of the National Park Service, complaining about the singer’s July 4th performance at the monument.

In a letter that’s way-too-straight-out-of-Footloose for me to handle, he cited her “lascivious choreography” and scantily clad backup dancers as accessories unbecoming a dead President’s grave.

As a proud recipient of the “inappropriate attire” lecture, I can relate to and will side with Beyoncé in this matter, but seriously, why is she all up on me? — Carrie Hill Wilner

Growing Pains

When you’re a thirteen year old boy, seemingly evil forces take over your entire body, and you’re baptized with a nickname that lasts until college. It’s rough, but you can take comfort in the knowledge that pubescent boys the world over are having their bodies and psyches remodeled from the inside out. This week, we heard about a Bengali boy who has a less ordinary coming-of-age issue to deal with. Flying insects are shooting out of his penis. Really. According to Indian newspapers, thirteen-year-old Chandan Goswami didn’t tell his parents about his abdominal pains until several winged insects emerged from his urethra. (Perhaps he just thought part of the birds-and-bees chat had been glossed over.) Doctors are stunned by the rare case and believe a parasitic infection is to blame. — Grant Stoddard

Winner of Last Week’s Quote Quiz

The question was, what word was censored from the following quote by mainstream publications?

“Demi Moore was the hottest actress in Hollywood when I was growing up. I was in love with her when I was then. Now it’s great, I’m [bleeping] her.”

— Ashton Kutcher

Winning response: It has to be “dressing.”

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