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Porn Under a Bad Sign

During most births, the doctor only shouts, “I can see the head!” once. Later this year in New Zealand, any number of people will be screaming that line multiple times. The cause? Plans have been announced to film a porn movie which will include a live birth. A pregnant Kiwi says she sees nothing wrong with combining the miracle of life and some kind of gonzo boner buffet. The Northland woman, known as “Nicky,” has caused a public outcry. Children’s commissioner Roger McClay says he will try to stop the film from being made. He also plans to ask the Department of Child Youth and Family to take custody of the baby if it’s born on camera. Local sources quote “Nicky” as saying, “I find all the outrage quite amusing. I’m not doing anything illegal, we’re not breaking any laws. It’s my choice. If you don’t like it, don’t watch it. There’s no way that I would ever abuse my child.” She plans to resist any attempts by social workers to take her child into care: “If they’re going to try and take my child off me, they’re going to have one hell of a [cock?] fight.” The film’s producer, Stephen Crow, said: “Birth is the inevitable consequence of sex, and yet we’re not allowed to show the two things in the same footage.” Other “inevitable consequences” of sex, which probably wouldn’t be well received, to say nothing of “allowed” in a skin flick, include keeping used condoms away from the dog and wondering if you have a reputation.

Boom in Faux Bones Spells Doom for Stone’s Jones

Would you use glue made from an aging porn star? No? Well, then things aren’t as bad as Kyle Stone seems to think. It seems that after years of service, Mr. Stone, star of more than 1,000 skin flicks, is afraid he’s being put out to pasture. “If I could sue the makers of Viagra, I would,” whined Stone. “I had a great career before they brought that stuff out.” It seems that the ubiquity of Pfizer’s wonder drug has fostered a stampede of hot, muscle-bound male-model-wannabes into the tuna boat side of the porn biz, where, frankly, our friend Kyle can’t compete. He describes himself as an “average-looking guy,” but explains that he was able to get ahead because he possesses a rare ability to “get wood” in front of any number of cameras and gaffers. Viagra grants this ability to just about anyone without an artificial heart, meaning that there aren’t going to be many “average-looking” guys around any more. Not that Viagra has won over everyone in the biz — one starlet explained that it makes the guys turn bright red, delays ejaculation, and diminishes her own attractiveness. Also out of business are the fluffers — nature’s own Viagra. Probed for comment, one poignantly said, “Mmmmf mmf mmmf glurg!”

Italian Stallion

It involves a Madonna and a horse dick, but it’s not what you think. This week, it was reported that a municipal statue of a stallion in the Sicilian town of Catania had been fitted with a pair of ferro intima (iron undies) in preparation for a religious procession on Tuesday. Sicilian law mandates that any group of people heading in the same direction must carry an effigy of the Holy Mother. Despite the fact that the icon has been carried past the rampant statue previously, so-called “civic worthies” decided that there was no shame in blowing the city budget on what amounts to the only diaper in the world that will ever rust. “It is almost inconceivable that in the third millennium, someone should cover a horse’s private parts for the Madonna,” said a wildly gesticulating local animal welfare campaigner. “Didn’t God create all living creatures, including man? So why the scandal?” In response, city officials protested that it was only fair to, er, “hammer pants” onto the horse. When they carried the equine statue into place, they painted over the Holy Mother’s genitalia with figs and kittens.

Young, Dumb, Armed with Gun

It’s often been argued that unruly youth can be tamed by fostering within them a love of knowledge. Time spent in the public library quenching a healthy thirst for learning is time not spent running amok in the streets and choosing a path of delinquency and crime. It’s a shame, therefore, that one young urchin in Charleston, North Carolina, was unaware that his needs for smut could be met via the computers in his local library. Earlier this week, the thirteen-year-old boy pulled a gun on a convenience-store manager and, instead of cash, demanded an adult magazine. At first, the clerk refused, but when confronted with a .25-caliber silver pistol, she remembers screaming: “Just take yourself and it and get out of my store!” The boy fled without the magazine, and the clerk called police. Should the smut-obsessed youngster continue his stroll down Crime Boulevard, he should note that smut is even harder to access in the big house, as TWIS reported earlier this month.

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