July 1420, 1999
Happiness Is a Warm Missile
Locked up in close quarters, ninety feet under the earth. One man, one woman,
one bed . . . and the ability to employ some of the largest missiles known to man. Sound like the start of a bad Penthouse forum? Exactly. And that’s what bothers Lt. Ryan Berry.
Berry is one of the 333 Air Force officers who work in the two-person
launch control bunkers of America’s Minuteman III nuclear arsenal in Minot,
North Dakota. A devout Catholic and a married man, the Good Lieutenant has
requested not to be partnered with any of the eighty-three women officers
on the team for the twenty-four-hour shifts. It’s nothing personal, he
insists he just wants to avoid even the appearance of sin. But the Air
Force isn’t buying it Berry has been accused of undermining discipline
and ordered to work beside his female counterparts, appearances notwithstanding.
What six people do in the privacy of their own home is everybody’s business in Tampa, Florida, where a city zoning board voted to shut down VoyeurDorm.com. The website, which bills itself as an adult Truman Show, uses forty strategically placed TV cameras to offer subscribers (who pay thirty dollars a month for the privilege) a randy inside look at the daily lives of six college housemates, ostensibly named Alex, Amber, Milla, Robyn, Tamara and Trixie. But after neighbors complained about the new kids on the block, the Tampa Variance Review Board ruled that the operators of the site were in violation of zoning laws prohibiting adult entertainment businesses in residential neighborhoods. Nonsense, says Voyeur Dorm attorney Mark Dolan, who is appealing the decision it’s not an adult business, it’s just six girls putting themselves through school with some good old-fashioned entrepreneurship. “There’s no impact on the neighborhood whatsoever,” Dolan told the St. Petersburg Times. Unless, of course, the neighbors subscribe.
A Bug’s Sex Life
No one likes a fruitworm. Given the recent tactics of cranberry growers, however, your heart has to go out to the little guys or more specifically, to their adult counterparts, moths. Fed up losing half a year’s crop to the pests, farmers have unveiled a fiendish new weapon in the war on bugs: sex.
Apparently, scientists have managed to isolate, simulate and bottle the moths’ own pheromones, and they’re putting said liquid into the crop irrigation system. The upshot? The moths, cast into a blind, pubescent tizzy from all the love potion floating around, are unable to find their mates thus resulting in a lower birthrate of the dreaded Sparganothis fruitworm. Jeffrey LaFleur, who runs the Cape Cod Cranberry Growers’ Association, commented, “Moths are going to have to take lots of cold showers.”
Is That Viagra in Your Pants Or Did You Just Take Some?
A pair of New Jersey men were arrested for trying to sneak more than $10,000 worth of Viagra out of a drug manufacturing plant. Cops say company security personnel caught the dastardly duo when they noticed the pills street value twenty bucks a pop shoved down the men’s pants.
Still More Nudity Behind the Neighbor’s Wall
When the Berlin Wall finally came down in 1989, it revealed more than many West Germans wanted to see. According to a Reuters report, fights have been breaking out lately on eastern Germany’s Baltic coast, where tourists from western Germany are appalled at the easterners’ willingness to, shall we say, display their national pride. Social scientists say it’s just another episode in a series of culture clashes that have occurred in the decade since East met West. In one particularly nasty incident in the eastern resort of Prerow, western German beachgoers hurled sand at eighteen-year-old nude sunbather Elke Renger, who hails from the eastern city of Dresden. “This is like the eighteenth century,” Renger told Bild newspaper. “Why should I cover myself up?”
Quotes of the Week
“Of all the quality of life issues tourists have with New York, public nudity is not one of them. No one goes back to Iowa complaining about all the naked people.”
Ron Kuby, attorney for New York City photographer Spencer Tunick. Tunick, who takes pictures of nude volunteers in public places, has sued the city for the right to photograph one hundred naked people on Manhattan’s Lower East Side.
“Some women can be completely gay. I’m not one of them. When I do it, though, I like really trashy porno girls. Like porno 44DD, and they have to be really aggressive. Otherwise, why bother?”
Singer-Actress-Covergirl Courtney Love, opening up to the readers of Jane in the magazine’s August issue.