July 21, 2000
Skirting the Issue
Africa is a continent ravaged by HIV and AIDS. Of the thirty-four million
people worldwide infected by the virus, a vast majority live there, and in
some countries, as much as thirty-five percent of the adult population is
infected. So thank heavens that Swaziland — where the life expectancy
is said to be sinking toward thirty years — has finally
identified the root of the epidemic. Just like we all figured, the
problem is pre-teens in short skirts.
A new policy in that country will ban mini-skirts for schoolgirls over the age of ten. Starting in the fall, girls who wear their hemlines above their knees will face expulsion
for the crime of enticing their helpless male teachers. "We are living in
tough times because of HIV/AIDS," said a source at Swaziland's ministry of
education in a Reuters report. "We need to address the problem of dress
code among students because it all starts from there."
Alms for the Horny
Holy cow, talk about bad karma.
In Cambodia this week, police arrested a woman who helped a ring of men
finance their nightly, drunken forays into Phnom Phen's karaoke bars and
brothels. Now, we know what you're thinking: What the hell's wrong with a
little booze, some badly sung Kool and the Gang and a whole lot of
sex-for-hire? Well, nothing, if that's all it is. The problem is how the
men afforded their revelry — according to the cops, they posed as
Buddhist monks by day, raising an average of five bucks apiece in
ill-begotten alms. The arrestee, say police, organized the ring and acted
as a sort of monk pimp, demanding twenty-five percent of their earnings.
Three other suspects remain at large.
Organon/Organ-Off
Get ready, fellas. The pill is on its way.
According to a report in the New York Post, the first clinical
trials of a new male contraceptive pill were an overwhelming success, and
scientists predict the pill could be on the market within five years. The
contraceptive — developed by the Dutch firm Organon — introduces
into the bloodstream hormones that actually halt sperm production. Though a
slew of tests throughout the world are still to be conducted, Organon
scientists say the first round, in Scotland and Shanghai, suggests that the
drug is one hundred percent effective and has no harmful side effects. Which means
that in the near future, men around the world will be able to engage in
indiscriminate sex with multiple partners and no fear of paternal
repercussions.
Uh-oh.
Get Out the Phrasebook
Being a stranger in a strange land is never easy, especially when crime
interrupts a holiday and suddenly you've got to deal with the authorities
in a foreign tongue. But it can be particularly difficult if, say, you're a
German tourist in Penang, and you've got to figure out how to tell a
Malaysian cop that the transvestite hookers you and your two
buddies picked up reacted poorly when you ultimately spurned them
('cause, see, you didn't know they were trannies). And when you tried to
get away, they kind of followed you, and when you crossed the street, well,
they ran you down with their car. And, um, you want them arrested. Now.
Yeah, that's always awkward.
Alas, that's just what happened to a trio of German men this week, according to the Malaysian Sun. But despite language barriers, the two prostitutes were in fact arrested for their violent reaction after the Germans walked out on them. Apparently, that's a breach of protocol over there.
Quotes of the Week
"I was going to a spa with a girlfriend, and my grandma asked, 'Is she your
companion? I'd like to meet your companion.' I was like, 'Oh Grandma, I'm
not gay!' She says, 'Oh baby, I pray for you to find a nice man.'"
— Saturday Night Live cheerleader Cheri Oteri, on one of
the side effects of an apparently barren dating life.
"If you live with fifty-eight lions and tigers, you will always have a lot
of pussy in the house."
— Las Vegas illusionist and Friend of Roy Siegfried, trying a
little too hard in Esquire.
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