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Weekend Review
Quote of the Week

“Oh, I think they’ll burn in hell. Which is very comforting, by the way, to my gay friends — of which there are many. Well, okay, I’m sort of joking about burning in hell. Well, I’m not entirely joking. I will never say publicly that, as a Christian, I think God says it’s okay to have premarital sex or to have homosexual sex.”

— Conservative pundit Ann Coulter, as quoted by the London Telegraph

Image of the Week

A statue of a naked man with a two-foot erection is unveiled in Salzberg, Austria, causing controversy the day before a visit by Prince Charles.

Where the Hombres Aren’t

How peculiar, this concept of “Ladies Night”! One would think it was engineered for the aforementioned ladies’ pleasure and benefit. But in truth, it is a ploy to lure men to the establishment, where they will pay full price for drinks.

Well, it’s a good thing that one Spanish mayor knows what ladies’ night should be. Javier Checa of the Andalusian town of Torredonjimeno has instituted a law requiring men to stay out of bars and nightclubs on Thursdays between 9 p.m. and 2 a.m., while women roam the streets, get blotto, make out with each other, dance on bars, throw up, buy all the 90%-off Easter candy at the drugstore, walk home barefoot, pass out, and wake up fully dressed the next morning with a half-eaten slice of pizza in one hand — all unobstructed by the presence of men!

The boys are expected to spend their Thursday nights at home, taking care of chores and children. Which isn’t that bad, because Thursday is Will & Grace night anyway.

Admittedly, a girls night out without boys around is about as much fun as a G8 without car-burning. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that being dry-humped in the drink line by a short, lumpy-crotched man in a kelly-green Adidas tracksuit is the greater violation. Who’s right? Let us know at humanrightsorlumpycrotch@nerve.com.

Mental Image of the Week: Sunk’d

According to the UK Sun — which is either making this shit up or deserves a Pulitzer for celebrity reporting — this week Demi Moore had to be rescued from a horny dolphin. The forty year old was visiting a Las Vegas marine center with her traveling circus of boytoy lover Ashton Kutcher, her three daughters and ex-husband Bruce Willis, when apparently a male dolphin made a beeline for her and started humping away. Demi screamed, and Oedipal consorts Ashton and Bruce just burst out laughing while the two-ton sea mammal tried to stick her. Here’s what we saw when we closed our eyes and thought about that for a minute.

Not the Men They Used to Be

This week, a group of male-to-female transgendered persons were thrown out of a country pub in Northamptonshire, England, when one of them tried to use the little girl’s room. The five trannies filed suit for sexual discrimination, seeking $3,000 each. The pub’s landlord, John Gawthorp, faces a $15,000 fine for expelling the group after uppity customers complained.

This week, the plaintiffs — Daphne Lalor, Jayne Smith, Nicki Collett, Mandy Brook and Saskia Cousins — reported to court, where Miss Smith, fifty-five, testified that she had visited the ladies’ loo in the 400-year-old pub, even though she hadn’t yet undergone gender-reassignment surgery. The landlord claimed he would have allowed Smith to go to the ladies’ if he had known she was “a full transsexual.” (Short of a Crocodile Dundee-style crotch grab, how could he tell?) Dressed in a skirt and blouse, ex-construction worker Collett added, “He said he was gay and had nothing against us, but he still asked us to leave. Our evening had been ruined by this bigot.” Interesting backstory: eighty-three-year-old Miss Lalor decided to change sex at the age of seventy-five after three marriages, while Miss Brook had only declared herself transsexual mere days earlier. Yet despite being a newbie to womanhood, Brook certainly wasn’t going to take the pee scandal sitting down. — Grant Stoddard

Celebrity Sexposé

The third cameraman in as many weeks is gored by Mariah Carey’s bustier.

Friendly Fire?

Yes, your job sucks. We’re sorry. You’re working ridiculous hours for little money, management monitors your emails, and if that bitch in the next cubicle doesn’t stop slurping her orange juice, you’re going to have a seizure. But think of it this way — things could be worse. You could be killing rats in a basement. You could be a freelance writer. You could be the girl who runs naked through the Nevada desert while men shoot paintballs at her.

Yes, it was reported this week that a company called Real Men Outdoor Productions Inc. has begun offering “Bambi Hunts,” in which Las Vegas-area men pay $10,000/hour to shoot naked women with paintballs. I suppose this should provoke some sort of feminist rage in me, but in all honesty, this is too weird to be sexist. It’s just apocalyptic. I just want to crawl under the sink and sob. Lest we abandon humility, however, it should be noted that shooting women in strange games is not confined to would-be militia members on crank. William S. Burroughs accidentally killed his wife in a game of William Tell somewhere in Mexico in 1951. I learned that from the bottom of a Snapple cap. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Editor’s Note: According to a CNN report, it’s suspected this story was a hoax.

Official: German Nudists Revolting

Over the years, several socio-political groups have acrimoniously split. This usually happens when the more radical, militant element decides that the group isn’t staying true to its ideals. Take the IRA, which stopped bombing people for an afternoon and unwittingly begat the Real I.R.A. Similarly, when a founding member of the Guardian Angels was kicked out for smoking crack, he formed the cunningly named Angel Guardians, which set out to prove that you could be tough on street crime while embracing the drug trade. And of course, we all remember the cartoon The Real Ghostbusters. The prefix distanced them from a lesser band of animated paranormal investigators.

This week, a row has erupted between Germany’s naturist movement and the thousands of people who enjoy sunbathing naked but refuse to become dues-paying members of the nudist club. (They’ve already got the uniforms, though.) Waltzer Nussbaumer, president of the Association for Free Life Form, said “wild nudists” were giving a bad name to the country’s organized naturalists, 50,000 of whom are members of so-called Free Body Culture (FKK) clubs. “We real FKK members distance ourselves from these naked people. They give the movement a sleazy name. There’s absolutely nothing erotic about two hundred people jumping around naked.” Another said: “Somehow they are not proper nudists, not so nicely organized as we are.” (Are FKK members nude in formation or something?)

In response, one of those “wild nakeds” called organized nudists narrow of mind and wide of ass. “You only have to look around you on an FKK beach — you wouldn’t want to see these people even in swimming trunks,” she said. Ach, snap! — Grant Stoddard

TWR Asks a Question

Is this picture, which has been widely circulated on the internet, can you really see Paris Hilton’s vag? Or is it Photoshop trickery? And if it’s not Paris Hilton’s vag, whose vag is it? Send your responses to grant@nerve.com.

The Disturbing Feedback Index

Maybe you don’t read the feedback boards. I’ll bet you don’t read the feedback boards. I didn’t read the feedback boards until I worked here. Which is a shame. Because there’s some pretty stimulating discourse going on back there. Sure, some people are inspired to post by a piece that particularly moved them or turned them on or whatever, but the regulars, the digital barflies, are even better: those cranks, pundits and self-appointed copy editors we’ve all come to know well. And then the few
guys we know way too well.

You know them too, if you’ve ever read our
feedback pages. These guys spent the ’70s cavorting with “busty babes in stilettos” — the same sort of stilettos they’d love to see Lucy Liu prancing around in. Their present alleged girlfriends spend a lot of time spanking and rubbing their “buns,” but only after “viewing a porn with some pussy-to-pussy, nipple-to-nipple rubbing, leading up to some oral 69 fun, maybe with one or two of the lucky studs who got to stand over a bed as the two babes licked and sucked his cock before taking both babes at once.”

Only then.

They’re philosophers and poets, voices of a nation. There’s no topic that they won’t confront head on and somehow bring back to a “hot fantasy with amateur babes.” Irrelevant? Hardly! Visionary. They see things in ways the rest of us just can’t. They are Disturbing Feedback Guys, and this goes out to them.

Nerve’s Disturbing Feedback Index

Percentage of American women under thirty, who, according to Disturbing Feedback Guy, fantasize about having lesbian sex: 25

Percentage of Disturbing Feedback fantasies that involve lesbian sex: 38.9

Percentage of Disturbing Feedback fantasies that involve lesbian sex and Joe Millionaire runner-up Sarah Kozer: 11.1

Percentage of Disturbing Feedback fantasies that involve lesbian sex between Sarah Kozer and someone not currently living: 5.6

Percent of Disturbing Feedback fantasies involving someone not currently living, with or without Sarah Kozer: 16.6

References to “trimmed pussy”: 2

Number of hours after death for which hair continues to grow: 24

Number of times sex on airplanes is mentioned: 5

Number of times “thick cocks” are mentioned: 1

Number of times Freud is mentioned: 0

Number of times my sketchy high school English teacher used the phrase “thick cock” in class: 1

Number of times I was pretty sure that Disturbing Feedback Guys were all my sketchy high school English teacher: 3

Number of times I had to turn around and retch in to a wastebasket: 3

Number of Disturbing Feedback fantasies involving Jennifer Aniston and Debra
Messing: 1

Years before me that Jennifer Aniston graduated from my high school: 12

Upon realizing this, percent surer I become that Disturbing Feedback Guys are, indeed, all my sketchy high school English teacher: 47

Time on Thursday at which NBC runs new episodes of Friends: 8 p.m.

Time on Thursday at which NBC runs new episodes of Will and Grace: 9 p.m.

Number of minutes keeping me from a bad “back to back programming” joke: 30

Last time Madonna could act, according to Disturbing Feedback Guy: 1985

Average user rating, out of 10, of Swept Away (2002) on Internet Movie
Database: 3.8

Average user rating of Desperately Seeking Susan (1985): 5.6

— Carrie Hill Wilner

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