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Member of the British Empire

For my money, the finest moment of the original Star Wars trilogy was when C3PO — the Richard Simmons of the robot world — was mistaken for a demigod and worshipped by a tribe of awestruck teddy bears. But there are more recent examples of an artificial being with no discernible soul suddenly being heralded as a savior, aren’t there, Mr. Giuliani? This week, it was reported that hundreds of people in northern India have inexplicably begun worshipping a British soldier who was killed in 1857. The Bengalis apparently believe that the soldier, who was legendarily insatiable, has divine powers that help people get off court cases — and just get off. Hopeful devotees bring fruit, flowers, meat, cigarettes and liquor to the grave of Captain F. Wale, which is in the palace garden ruins in Lucknow. Barren men and women have composed hymns to the coochie-craving sabre-rattler, and one local man offered beer, hoping Wale would help him have sex with a neighbor. Guess popping over to “borrow a cup of sugar” hadn’t occurred to him.

Popping Cans to Pop Cans

Great minds on alcohol:  

“It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.”

— William Shakespeare

“To alcohol! The cause of  . . . and solution to all of life’s problems!”

— Homer Simpson

In the West, doctors, like the Bard, would have you believe that a mere whiff of the bartender’s apron could result in an unwelcome case of “brewer’s droop.” Now, from the Czech Republic, good news for those partial to a stiff drink and a bit of of post-pub slap and tickle: “Drink beer every day for healthy sex life,” slurs Dr. Zemek of the Czech Center for Gerontology. His research shows that “moderate amounts of beer lessens arterial sclerosis, one of the causes of erectile dysfunction.” But Zemek is quick to warn against excess: “Drink too much beer in one go, and the positive effects are negated, but, as the saying goes, a little bit of what you fancy does you good.” TWIS believes that too much beer can be a good thing, as drunkenness has been shown to help overcome one of the other causes of erectile dysfunction: Slovakian women.

Price-Yearnings Ratio

Call it an initial pubic offering: on Monday, Australia’s largest brothel, the Daily Planet, unveiled plans to be floated on the stock market. How does one float a brothel, you ask? (Aside from using extra chlorine in whatever you’re floating it in, that is.) Well, the company has decided to sell shares of its, um, base of operations: a five-star hotel that charges $120 an hour and has eighteen themed rooms with “sexy” names like Venus and Xanadu. But the current volatility of the stock market — not to mention the opportunity for a quality dick pun — hasn’t been lost on one of the company’s three directors: “It’s a novelty raising that may just perk the market up,” says Andrew Harris. If the plan succeeds, the Melbourne-based Planet would be the world’s first listed bordello, trading alongside companies like the German sex-store chain Beate Uhse. Two years ago, who’d have thunk that a company peddling blow-up dolls and double dongs would be a shrewder investment than AOL?

Fever Pitch

If you’re not tired of reading about the infamous British sex drive, stick with us. In a message board for the Watford Football Club, a young woman known as “Bimbo83” (Sarah to friends) leveled charges of holiday infidelity against her ex, one Brian Tindale. By her account, Brian picked up an STD from a Greek “penalty box,” returned to Blighty and handed her love’s red card: hepatitis. Brian counter-charged that “Bimbo83” had given herself the disease while he was on vacation, but most Watford fans seem to have taken her side. Not only is she winning an informal poll (67.3% to 11.3%), but adoring fans are going so far as to offer merchandise, game-day war chants, and threats of physical violence against Brian. The message boarder who offered to clock the feckless Mr. Tindale made his suggestion with one condition: that “Bimbo83” streak at the next game. “Not binding,” he said, “if you’re a minger [translation: someone you wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole]. Or have orange hair.” Doesn’t that eliminate everyone on the island?

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