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July 27, 2001

Nobody Likes Gunther Hagler




Gunther Hagler may feel a slight burning sensation in the back of his neck, but that’s only natural. It’s just the cumulative effect of forty million German men staring daggers at him.


    

Hagler, as you couldn’t possibly know, is the German urologist who this week announced that the European Union’s proposed guidelines for condom size are just too damned big for German men. According to Ananova.com, Hagler and a team of researchers determined the average German penis to be about 5.7 inches long and 1.6 inches wide — some twenty percent smaller than the standard condom size of 6.7 inches by 2.2 inches as set by the EU’s Brussels headquarters. “We think the EU has got its sums wrong,” said Hagler, as a nation of Germans hissed “halt die klappe!” through forced grins. “If other countries were to check out their men’s assets they would find the EU has made a mistake in its calculations.” To which the men of France, shrugging and exchanging satisfied nods with one another, responded, “No, no, we sink zey got it about right. A bit petit, if anysing.”

    

Of course, Hagler didn’t halt his klappe. “There should be a rethink and the EU statisticians should check their figures again,” the doctor said. “After all, they have also ruled EU standard condoms should be able to hold eighteen liters of fluid without breaking, which also seems a bit excessive.” Well, yeah, he does have a point there. Eighteen liters?!




Try Telling That to This Guy



But if German men really do have the smallest schnitzel in Europe, at least not all Fatherlanders are so cursed. Michael Gruber’s penis, for one, is as big as his freaking forearm. Actually, it is his freaking forearm.


    

To explain, please: according to the German documentary program Blitz (as reported by Ananova.com), the thirty-seven-year-old Gruber had his penis replaced by a muscle in his arm after a freak motorcycle accident in which — fellas, you see this coming, so why don’t you leave the room for the rest of this sentence? — in which it was ripped clean off by the gas tank of his 900cc Honda. (We told you to leave the room, but did you listen?) We’ll let Gruber describe the unfathomably gory details: “I flew out of the curve and smashed into a tree. I was squashed between the tank and the seat. The tank was ripped off, and with it my penis. It was agony. I looked down and it was gone and then I don’t remember any more because I passed out.” As would we — but when Gruber came to, doctors had crafted him a brand-new penis using the muscle tissue in his lower left arm. According to the report, the surgeons connected a tube inside the muscle to Gruber’s bladder, enabling the cyclist to urinate properly and even get an erection. In related news, Gruber has become a righty.




Victor/Victoria’s Secret



Install a hidden, motion-activated, night-vision camera in your home and you’re bound to catch something kinky on tape. Oddly enough, that’s not always a good thing.


    

According to the Times-Picayune of New Orleans, a Slidell resident installed the expensive video camera last month after his home was broken into with nothing apparently stolen. The homeowner’s investment paid off this week, when his tape showed a fourteen-year-old boy, wearing several bras over his shirt, climbing through his laundry room window. According to Slidel police Lt. Rob Callahan, the boy, whom cops were able to identify from the tape, rifled through the clothes dryer, strapping on a few more bras. He then took off his shorts, put on a couple pairs of panties from the dryer, and pulled the shorts back on before climbing out the window. After police arrested him, the boy reportedly confessed to the panty raid, along with several others in a different neighborhood.


    

“He didn’t say why he committed the burglaries, but he obviously has some type of fetish about women’s undergarments that he needs to come to terms with,” said Callahan, an immediate candidate for Slidell’s Most Sensitive Cop award. Though the boy, who wasn’t identified because he’s only fourteen, could face as many as twelve years in the clink, Callahan says he doesn’t think that’ll happen. “The main thing is to get this kid some help, not punish him.” Meanwhile, the Slidell police continue to sniff around for the boy’s, uh, stolen booty. “[He] said he threw the undergarments away, but his parents said they’ll search his room. We’d like to use them as evidence in court and eventually return them to the rightful owners. But I seriously doubt the women will want them back.”



Quotes of the Week



“I scored. What can I say?”




— ‘N Syncer Justin Timberlake, choosing his words poorly in telling Rolling Stone of his luck in landing Britney Spears as a girlfriend.






“A young woman called and said, ‘I want to discuss the Web with you.’ I immediately started thinking of something kinky.”




— San Francisco mayor Willie Brown, on a 1997 invitation to that city’s Webby Awards.





“Every time I walked on the set, the sexual tension crackled between me and that guy.”



— Actor Paul Giamatti who plays an orangutan in the newly released Planet of the Apes film, telling The Daily Show‘s Jon Stewart of his relationship with an on-set monkey who, Giamatti says, took a serious, er, liking to him.





“How can I miss something that was never there?”




— Singer Melissa Etheridge on a question in Interview from Brad Pitt on whether she misses that part of sex that only a man can provide. (Well, a man or a cheaply produced plastic toy.)


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©2001 Dan Reines and Nerve.com, Inc.