The Weekend Review

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Weekend Review
Quotes of the Week

“I had to ride bareback, which is something I haven’t done before. I have a really sore scrotum. They had nothing in those days, so we have had to do the same. And that means no saddles or stirrups.

— Colin Farrell, on filming his new movie about Alexander the Great.

“I wouldn’t recommend dating co-workers in any profession. It’s not smart.”

— Ashton Kutcher, as quoted in In Touch magazine.

Used to be a Sweet Boy

Good grief, indeed. Last week, a comic strip artist donated these pictures to a Boston Herald fund raiser for victims of child abuse. At first, the organizers of the Children’s Trust Fund auction accepted the work, then changed their minds on the eve of the event, claiming the pictures were “inappropriate.” Ya think?

I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish

In an attempt to clarify the issue of sexual consent, officials in Illinois (the “Legislate the Self-Evident” State) have passed a law which states that you can change your mind during sex! To elaborate: everything can be going along fine and dandy, but if she says, “You know what, this sucks, stop it,” and you don’t, that can be prosecuted as rape. This whole thing puzzles me. I have to wonder if it was an issue that really needed clarification. So in every state but Illinois, is there an Official Point of No Return? And by crossing it, do you commit yourself to having sex to completion, kind of like having to clean your plate? — Carrie Hill Wilner

November Spawned a Monster

It was bound to happen. The United States just couldn’t keep getting gayer and gayer, impeded only by Antonin Scalia’s efforts to keep the tide of homosexual debauchery from drowning your children. This week, President Bush officially spoke out against gay marriage. His basic argument: marriage-is-a-sacred-institution-between-a-man-and-a-woman. Yawn. This is getting reeeeaaally old, people. Happy hour is a fucking sacred institution between me and my gimlet, but you don’t see me preventing gay people from drinking gimlets.

When asked his views on homosexuality in general, Bush answered cryptically, “We’re all sinners.” Yeah, but only a select few of us are backward-thinking troglodyte legislators. Guess kids are going to have to stick with regular drowning for a while.— CHW

The Last of the Famous International Playboys

Lately we’ve been squealing girlishly and giggling tipsily over the news that Mikhail Baryshnikov, the extra-famous Russian ballet dancer, will play Sarah Jessica Parker’s love interest on the final season of Sex and the City. In viewers’ hearts and minds, he will be replacing Carrie’s ex-boyfriend Big, played by Chris Noth, who has been far too busy hitting on the barely legal to commit to another season.

Baryshnikov doesn’t seem to have any qualms about the show’s content, stating, “I think it’s about time to do something my children can’t watch.” As opposed, of course, to ballet, where male dancers skip around in lycra tights that leave painfully little to the imagination. As a small child, Grant thought the typical male dancer’s basket was actually a foothold for ballerinas to utilize during difficult lifts. Even as a small child, Carrie was pretty clear on the fact that it was cock. — CHW

Reel Around the Fountain

If we were smarter here at TWR, we would build a time machine and propel ourselves thirteen days into the future. See, waiting for Spike TV to slide out of its crusty “The New TNN” cocoon and dry its mucusy wings in the mid-summer air . . . well, it’s too much for us to bear. Carrie can’t sleep, Michael can’t eat and Grant is down to four ejaculations a day. It’s driving us crazy!

Although we’re excited about cable TV’s “first network for men,” not to mention their groundbreaking flagship cartoon Ren and Stimpy, it’s Stan Lee’s Stripperella (above) that we’re really wet for. As voiced by Pamela Anderson, the sassy super-heroine gets paid in singles by night and beats up bad guys slightly later that night. She also has superpowers: her breasts are natural lie detectors, her “hair-a-chute” allows her to float safely from great heights, and her “Scissor-ella” move enables her to squeeze foes unconscious with her thighs.

Unfortunately, we must report that Mr. Lee has created a Frankenstein. Not only has he built the ramp that has enabled Girl Power to jump the shark, but strippers around the country have begun using their bodies to fight off evildoers, and innocent civilians are getting caught in the crossfire. This week, Jackson, Michigan, police investigated a bizarre assault claim involving a dancer and patron at an area strip club. Reportedly, a twenty-year-old Jackson man filed a complaint after a stripper squirted breast milk into his eyes during a lapdance. Deputy Chief Matt Heins gave us these insights: “She apparently just had a child and was lactating.” NOTE: Aug 1-7 isWorld Breast-Feeding Week.
— Grant Stoddard

King Leer

Last week, we questioned the authenticity of this widely circulated picture, which supposedly depicts fash-mag-slag Paris Hilton posing proudly with her twiffer. And this week, a tsunami of emails washed up thousands of opinions on the pebbly beaches of TWR. Some readers offered more than opinions, creating visual aids in an attempt to suss out the ostensibly hairless heiress. — GS

From a reader called “Terminator:”
I’m a graphic designer and know this trick called Solar Curves, which we use in Photoshop to spot little bits and pieces of imagery that look out of place. Though we usually use Solar Curves to help clean up masking, we can also use it to test whether or not an image has been faked by seeing if the color temperature looks consistent. See the attached file [above]. The temperature on her vag pretty much matches the temperature of her thigh, and the frills on her skirt look consistent throughout. Seems authentic to me. Either it’s a real pic, or a real pro spent a lot of time pasting a vag on Paris Hilton.

Another reader submitted a portion of the picture [above] to rigorous examination:

It’s a fake. The pixels don’t lie. Specifically, check out the ones along the edge of her thigh in sections A5 through D6. They have been manipulated. It’s good, though. Whoever did it is an expert. Yes, I have better things to do but I can’t help myself.

Pretty Girls Make Graves

Okay, this is where we make fun of people who apoplexy because an inarticulate starlet makes a clumsy statement while trying to summarize a complex
role. This week, Penelope Cruz had this to say about her character in the upcoming film Don’t Move: “Her father has been raping her since she was twelve years old, and that’s why, when [another character] rapes her, she is even a little pleased, because he is a surgeon. A man from a higher social class.”

Certain rape-victims’ advocacy groups have been on her about this, making astute arguments like, “Rape is a crime, and the trauma that rape victims endure is never lessened by the social status of the perpetrator.” Because, yeah, Penelope really did say that, you know — it’s really swell when you’re raped by
rich people! That’s exactly what she said. Exactly.

Anyway, I’m normally in favor of aimlessly abusing movie stars and everyone else, but not Penelope Cruz. And here is why:

The top three reasons never to get mad at Penelope Cruz

3)She’s only been speaking English for like, a couple of weeks. And when she does, it’s with a really cute accent.

2)She looks really sweet. I like to think that if she were my friend, she’d be the one who organized all my surprise parties and let me cry on the phone to

1)I bet she smells good, like expensive desserts. — CHW

There’s a Place in Hell for Me and My Friends

It was reported this week that U.S. troops found a bizarre stash of items alongside the body of Uday Hussein, many of them better suited to a hot date than combat. It’s widely known that Uday — a.k.a. the Son of Saddam — was the most diehard member of the regime. Apparently, dying hard was also a priority. Near the porno-loving playboy’s corpse was a briefcase that held Viagra, cologne, new underwear, a silk tie and a lone condom. — GS

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