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Shrinky Dink

Was it Freud who theorized that man spent most of his waking hours obsessing over the possible loss of his genitalia? For the truly paranoid, here’s a new scenario: this week, it was reported that the unfortunately named Chong Wee Ken was more than a little miffed with the effect hiccup medicine had on his wee chong. “After two days, I discovered that my penis had become shorter because of all these [medications],” Chong told a Chinese paper. During the next ten days, his left ear became covered in blisters, he could not eat or speak properly, and he lost the use of his left arm. Fearing he might die, Chong discharged himself from one hospital and went to another, where his symptoms subsided within a week. The surgeon who first treated the weakened Chong said he suffered from shingles of the ear and throat and that hiccups were a symptom. TWIS is fairly sure that drinking water out of a glass backward would have cleared up the problem and left his manhood intact.

Psycho-Sexual Rural Freakout # 84

At TWIS world headquarters (a jacuzzi with a DSL line and mini-bar), we sometimes forget that not everyone is as liberated as we. Although our readers may have “real jobs” that occasionally force them to rub the glitter off their thighs and enter the real world, TWIS is always surprised by reports of people living in repressive backwater areas where the sheer force of, say, a decade’s unreleased sexual tension makes them simultaneously snap. Consider the Salem Witch trials, for instance — or how about a group of folks in Mhondoro, Africa? This week, newspapers reported that a local school headmaster had fled the area after parents accused him of harboring goblins that sexually harassed female students and teachers. “Sometimes we get up in the morning to find the bedding mysteriously wet, and we suspect foul play,” says one outraged victim. What witnesses don’t say is that these goblins are rough and urgent in their love, or maybe that they’re wealthy, adventuresome princes with stubble who just dress like peasants and run their hands along your spine while playfully nipping at the back of your knees and hypnotizing you with their mysterious coal-black eyes.

Got Milk?

Quick: if we say “Australia” and “breasts,” what comes to mind? Two things that only sustain life at their southeasternmost tips? Uh, good try, but that’s not the only image you should have in mind. Last year, the Aussies boldly claimed the World Cup of mass breastfeeding: 536 simultaneously nursing mothers set a new Guinness World Record. Held in New South Wales last August 1, Suckfest (motto: “Throw Another Shrimp on the Boobie”) was a sight to be seen. However, like Russell Crowe, Mel Gibson and Paul Hogan before it, the breastfeeding record could soon make its way to California. The cities of Berkeley and Orange County hope to snatch the mass-lactation championship away from Down Under with “ma’am armies” of their own. TWIS is puzzled by the phenomenon, if only because it’s the rare competition in which winning sucks more than losing.

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