This Week in Sex

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This Week in Sex   

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August 4, 2000

Under the Rosy Palm Trees

If you’ve been paying even the slightest bit of attention to the world of

pop culture this summer, you know that CBS’s Survivor is a big, fat,

rat-eating hit. And if you’ve actually been watching the show, you also

know that the biggest, fattest, rat-eatingest storyline to come out of

Survivor has been Richard, the annoying gay business consultant with

a penchant for “running around bare-assed,” in the words of one fellow

castaway. Now comes word that a certain “bare-assed castaway” just might be

appearing in a nudie mag for all the world to see.


No, no, not to worry — far as we know, Richard won’t be stepping out

from behind that giant blurry spot to pose in Playgirl any time soon

(right, God?).


Actually, the next Pulau Tiga inhabitant to “go native” may

be Jenna Lewis, the twenty-three-year-old mother of two who got voted off

the island a couple weeks back, a victim of Dr. Sean’s cowardly alphabet

coup. According to a report in the Toronto Sun, Lewis has been asked

to get nekkid for Playboy, and she says she’ll consider it — if

the price is right. “It would have to be a lot of money,” Lewis told the

Sun. “Because I’m going to get a huge amount of press on this. I’m

going to get a lot of negativity . . . But it would also take care of me and

my daughters for many, many years to come because I would act responsibly

with the money.” Lewis, of course, wouldn’t be the first reality TV star to

buy an extra fifteen minutes of fame from Hugh Hefner — Who Wants

to Marry a Multimillionaire‘s Darva Conger is featured in this month’s


Say, You Look Mighty Cute in That Veil

Oh, man, talk about a below-average day at work. According to a Reuters

report, an unnamed grocer in the Iranian town of Qir was arrested Sunday

and thrown in the clink for “flirting” with the wife of a local judge.

Seems that His Honor and the missus were shopping at the grocer’s store

when the judge happened to notice the shopkeeper staring cross-eyed at Mrs.

Judge. Recognizing a lascivious leer when he sees one, the judge ordered

the lock-up, which sparked a local protest, which quickly spiraled downward

into a riot in the streets of Qir — local youths reportedly burned

cars and set fire to the courthouse.


Looks like the poor grocer picked the wrong woman to hit on, eh? Well, not

exactly. Turns out he stares cross-eyed at every lady that crosses his

path, being that he’s, um, cross-eyed. Alas, his woes didn’t end

with the riots. Adding injury to what must have been hundreds of schoolyard

insults, he was beaten by police during his several hours of detention.

Beaten cross-eyed, actually.

The (Barely Detectable) Smell of Success

You know what today’s British dance clubs are missing? Sex.


Oh sure, there’s sweat, and there’s plenty of ecstasy, and there are young,

lithe, sparsely clothed bodies dancing close together to the throbbing,

rhythmic sound of many, many beats per second. Yeah yeah yeah, the clubs

have all that stuff. But where’s the actual sex?


Don’t worry — it’s on its way, thanks to two new developments. The

first, which we detailed in this very space just last week, is the possibility that Britain will

relax its laws prohibiting sex in public. And now comes a new product

called Xcite — moist, disposable face towels laced with a cocktail of

pheremones designed to boost the sex appeal of anyone who uses them. The

wipes, which will go for one British pound apiece, come in “his” and “hers”,

and are alleged to make the wearer appear “friendlier, warmer and more

inviting,” according to a report from the Press Association. Makers of the

Xcite wipes will begin selling them in pharmacies next year, as well as in

vending machines at the dance clubs — right next to the condom

machines. Talk about one-stop shopping.

Quotes of the Week

“I actually find being nude somewhat therapeutic. To stand naked in front

of a group of fully clothed people takes me back to some sort of primal

peace. It reminds me that we all climbed out of the same swamp. Take away

the Mercedes and the Matsuda and we are all just human beings. Of course,

I’m also invisible.”

Hollow Man star Kevin Bacon, confusing his

onscreen nude scenes with his real life in Entertainment Weekly.

“They couldn’t believe it in Europe. They kept asking if I was a


— Pop star and avowed virgin, Jessica Simpson, on

her decision to remain celibate before marriage, quoted in the Dallas

Morning News.

“It’s campier than a John Waters movie. Give me a break. You have

professional wrestlers on TV half-naked and pummeling each other and that’s

legal, but these people can’t spank themselves.”

— An unnamed Boston-area man on the Attleboro, Massachussets, trial of

two people arrested during a July raid on an S&M party for allegedly violating laws enforcing “chastity, morality,

decency, and good order,” as quoted in the Boston Globe.

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©2000 Dan Reines and, Inc.