July 31August 6, 1999
Well, it’s a damn fine time to be a British woman trapped in a British man’s body.
Last week a three-judge panel in London ruled that transsexuals suffer from a legitimate illness, not simply a state of mind (as the British health authorities had earlier deemed the condition), which makes them eligible for free treatment under Britain’s National Health Service. That’s good news for the thousand or so British transsexuals who can’t (or don’t want to) cough up the 13,000 pounds for a sex-change operation. And it’s especially good news for three transsexuals who started their hormone treatments earlier this year: the drugs have already brought about irreversible physical changes, such as breasts.
As if that ruling wasn’t enough to get Dame Edna dancing, the British Defense Ministry also ruled that post-op transsexual soldiers can stay on in the British Army, albeit in limited roles. The decision was prompted by the case of Sergeant Major Joanne (née Joe) Rushton, a former army boxer who joined the forces at the age of nineteen. Rushton, who has been married four times and has a son, will no longer be eligible for combat duty once the “gender realignment” is complete, but at least he won’t lose his desk job at personnel HQ. A Defense Ministry spokesman told Reuters,”This is an example of the armed forces acting as a flexible, modern and sympathetic employer.”
Too Big for Their Bigots
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, already the scourge of single moms and deadbeat dads, has set her scope on a new target: skate rats. More specifically, the radio values vendor has declared war on Big Brother Skateboarder magazine.
A week ago Dr. Laura and her son wandered into Beach Access, a surf shop in Costa Mesa, California. While there, she noticed a copy of Big Brother, which is produced by Larry Flynt Publications the same Flynt that published nude pictures of Schlessinger in Hustler magazine last March. (The photos were submitted to Flynt by the pushy puritan’s embittered ex.) Schlessinger asked Beach Access owner Tom Moore if he knew that Big Brother was a Flynt publication and if he knew that it was pornography. Well, yeah, Moore said, he did know that Big Brother was connected to Flynt. But no, he didn’t think it was porn. Unless, that is, you’re titillated by photos of kids getting air in baggy shorts.
The next day, Schlessinger got on her radio soapbox and told her eighteen million listeners that Moore “intentionally put a Hustler magazine, hidden under the name Big Brother Skateboarder” in view of kids. And now Moore, who owns four Beach Access stores in Southern California, is getting “hundreds” of angry calls a day from Dr. Laura’s offended minions.
As for Schlessinger’s charge that Big Brother is nothing but a front for Hustler-style porn, the magazine’s managing editor had this to say: “Dr. Laura’s right. The pornography in the magazine is well-hidden, because I haven’t seen it either.” Sometimes a skateboard is just a skateboard.
His Girlfriend Didn’t Buy It Either
A heroin addict on probation in Texas has learned a valuable lesson: never send a toy to do a man’s job.
According to prison authorities, thirty-seven-year-old Micah Sheehan tried to sidestep his mandatory, twice-weekly drug test two weeks ago by using a fake penis and someone else’s urine. But the convicted burglar ran into trouble when the officer assigned to watch him pee in a cup noticed that the bleached-pink sex toy in Sheehan’s hands didn’t match the rest of his skin tone. That, and the fact that the inhumanly cold urine was spraying the room like a sprinkler. “There were too many telltale signs,” Bexar County Probation Director Caesar Garcia told APBNews.com. “He had this eight-inch penis in his hand squeezing urine out of it. He fumbled with it, and it fell out of his shorts, and he caught it before it hit the ground.” You gotta wake up mighty early to put one over on a Texas probation officer.
Sheehan, who was four months away from finishing probation, will likely be sent to prison to serve out a ten-year sentence.
Yeah, like old men needed another reason to get fired up about golf. Organizers of the Chequers Golf Classic in Putrajaya, Malaysia, wanted to add a little excitement to next month’s tournament so they instituted a prize for the first two players to nail a hole in one: a year’s supply of Viagra. If you think this is an odd bit of product placement for the oft-mocked virility pill, you’re not alone; Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, apparently got cold feet about the promotion and decided to, uh, pull out, saying that it doesn’t want to be seen as making light of erectile dysfunction. But don’t worry, fellas. Tournament organizers have replaced the love drug with the oldest aphrodisiac in the books: cash.
Quotes of the Week
“Vegetarians are not only generally slimmer and more sexually attractive than meat-eaters, they are also better lovers.”
PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich, expounding on the carrot-lovers’ theory that eating meat leads to impotence.