This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Mount Never-Rest

Like Michael Jordan, the Rolling Stones and Dick Clark, a Nepalese ancient is refusing to just roll over and let someone else have a go. In a country where the average life expectancy for a man is fifty-seven years old, the average income is 220 bucks per annum and malevolent ape creatures known as Yetis lurk around every crevasse and mountain pass, you’d think that a feller on the cusp of clocking 100 years, who has managed to father thirty daughters, could rest on his laurels. But instead of sitting by the fire with a brimming cup of gruel, scaring the junior sherpas with tales of avalanches, yak herding and yore, Dhanarup Sejuwal is priming his aged trouser schnauzer for the rigors of the bedroom once again. This week, the ninety-six-year-old fertility machine grudgingly married for the eighth time (all the other wives having presumably keeled over from exhaustion) in the hopes of fathering a son. Sejuwal told Katmandu reporters that if he does not have a son to perform last rites and rituals after his death, in addition to more universal son tasks such as raking leaves and taking out the garbage, he faces eternal damnation. Meanwhile reports from the region that a shipment of Viagra en route to China has gone missing cannot be confirmed.

King of Pain

From the wizened lips of the Pope himself, “People of Italy, knock boots!” Of course, we’re paraphrasing. He in fact told fifty-seven million goombahs to “rediscover the culture of life and love and . . . their mission as parents,” in response to the life-loving nation’s rapidly declining birth rate, the lowest in Europe. Apparently, quite a few olive skinned women have piously followed the papal decree to the letter leaving their husbands in the lurch. But there is some consolation . . . Like Fascism and Fabio, the annual Cuckold King competition (a contest that determines Italy’s most pathetic cuckold) had been long forgotten. It was banned in 1962 after that year’s King couldn’t cope with being laughed at and pulled out a gun. This Week the event was revived and over the course of two days 1,000 men from across the country told their tales of woe to a panel of judges. The forty-year-old winner, known only as Onorato C, was crowned in front of an audience of 5,000 at the festival in Roccagorga after they heard how his wife cheated on him. Officials checked his story by calling his wife to get her version of events. Patrizia admitted she liked to have extra-marital sex at least once a week and claimed it was what kept their marriage going. “My marriage is alright,” concurred Onorato as he tended to an unidentified crotch itch.

A Jarring Experience

The current job market being what it is, we all know how tough it’s been to find work recently. Things got a whole lot tougher for a South African man earlier this week when a job opportunity quickly turned into a bizarre sex attack during which he was “robbed” of his semen. A police spokesman from the town of Kraaifontein said the suspect had offered the man work and food at his home but instead he took his victim into a room, locked the door and asked him to have sex with his wife. When the confused and shocked job seeker refused, the husband became aggressive and punched him. The attacker then partially stripped the frightened man and forcibly caused him to ejaculate while the woman looked on. After collecting the victim’s semen and sealing it in a jar, the attacker let him go.

A Whole Lot ‘O Latex

What’s with calling the Brits buttoned-up and prudish? What about all the bed hopping in the monarchy, Benny Hill and “Page Three Girls”? They even show naked people on the telly! And it’s not like these expressions of sexual potency are new to the dentally challenged Brits. Hell, for the past 4000 years anyone hiking through the lush English countryside does so in the shadow of ancient cliff drawings that archeologists and historians alike have termed “giant chalk cocks.” Fortunately, the saucy Limeys don’t take their phallic worship without a decent-sized helping of responsibility. This week a twenty-one-foot-long condom has been placed on the Johnson of the Cerne Abbas Giant, a 197-foot fertility symbol cut into a hillside in southern England. The caper was a publicity stunt carried out by the Family Planning Association (the U.K’s Planned Parenthood) to raise sexual health awareness. “[The carving] gets used by people doing stunts . . . we just hope it doesn’t get damaged,” chuckled a nonplussed spokesman for the National Trust, which owns the chalk man. He added, with a wink, “We’ve got a sense of humor too,” before launching into an unprompted hour of Monty Python skits. So there you have it. Another national sterotype debunked.

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