August 11, 2000
Ich Bin Eine Unsatisfied
German men have never really enjoyed what you’d call a stellar sexual reputation, but their image didn’t improve any last week, when the popular Bild newspaper published a survey in which nearly half the German women polled claimed their partners leave them “unsatisfied” in bed.
The women complained that their partners either neglect them or that they’re too rough in bed, and that too many German men treat sex as a “required duty.” Said one woman, a twenty-two-year-old
pharmacist named Kerstin, “Everything that my friend does in bed seems so technical. It’s like he’s the engineer and I’m the piece of machinery.”
After such a damning report, it would have been completely understandable to see millions of German men standing around with their hands shoved into their pockets, their little wire-rimmed glasses barely concealing pathetic, puppy-dog eyes. But just days after the article, Bild was
filled with angry letters from wronged lovers struggling to salvage their tattered rep. One man, who wisely identified himself simply as Peter M., offered the following advice to German women. “Before you slap a quarter-pound of make-up over your faces, it would be better if you took a trip to the solarium, shaved your legs, and thought a bit more about what men need.” Oh yeah, that’ll turn things around.
Hunk-a-Hunk-a Burning . . .
Okay, free associating here, some things that don’t mix well: Oil and water.
Plaids and patterns. Germans.
Recreational nudity and red-hot coals.
You’d think, wouldn’t you? Seems obvious that firewalking fits a
gathering of naked people about as well as a drag show at the GOP
convention. After all, with all those loose parts and all those little,
curly wicks and . . . well, perhaps it’s better not to speculate. Nonetheless,
someone got the bright idea of laying out a bed of burning coals at the
American Association for Nude Recreation’s sixty-ninth annual convention
near San Diego last week, and the results, predictably, were disastrous.
According to an Associated Press report, some seven people were
hospitalized after burning their feet (and only their feet, lucky fools)
trying to traverse the fire. The report explained that firewalkers rely on
an ability to, in a relaxed state, control blood flow to the feet in order
to protect them from injury. Only a guess here, but perhaps the victims were concentrating
on the blood flow elsewhere?
Family Jewel Thief
Eesh. After months of therapy, we were finally beginning to get over the
news of that botched mass ritual circumcision in Turkey last June. You remember the one the
doctors snipped some two hundred pre-teens in one marathon session, then
succumbed to fatigue and went a little overboard on the last two.
And now, according to a report in The People newspaper, a thirteen-year-old
Nairobi boy a member of the Luhya tribe collapsed Tuesday
after a tribal elder mistakenly hacked off his entire penis during a
traditional circumcision. The boy, whose anaesthetic reportedly consisted
of jumping into a freezing river to numb himself, “cried out aloud and
writhed in pain,” according to the newspaper, his “teeth bared as he saw
all the treasures he had carefully preserved for the big day drop to the
polythene bag he was standing on.” Not surprisingly, the tribal elder was beaten severely by relatives of the now-treasureless child, and a crowd surrounded him in a tribal hut chanting
“kill him, kill him.” Which, you’ll agree, pretty much qualifies as a lousy
day at work.
Quote of the Week
“I’m not sure it’s actually possible to become friends with a British
teenage guy. His idea is to to ask two questions . . . and then feel entitled
to stick his tongue down your throat.”
Fifteen-year-old Mary-Catherine Lader, daughter of the U.S.
ambassador to Britain, assessing British boys in an article in
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