August 17, 2001
Everyone seems to think of men as lazy dogs, and that’s really not fair. It’s just that, well, sometimes they need a little motivation. Just ask the ladies of Sirt.
That’s Sirt, Turkey, the tiny southern village not too far from the Mediterranean resort of Antalya. Apparently, they don’t have running water there, and it’s the women’s job to go fetch water by the bucket from the well. Problem is, Sirt doesn’t have a well, either, and the women sometimes have to walk for miles with their buckets. Not surprisingly, Sirt’s skirts are a bit fed up with such conditions, and they’ve requested aid from their husbands. Actually, requested isn’t really the right word.
According to a Reuters report, the women informed their husbands several weeks ago that they’d be engaging in a sexual boycott until the problem is fixed. That’s right: no laying pipe until you lay some pipe, the men were warned, and what do you know, the ploy seems to have worked. Facing a crisis of apocalyptic proportions, the men of Sirt appealed to local authorities: “The men came to us,” said local governor Mehmet Carpraz, “and said, ‘Please help us, please understand our situation.'” Apparently, Carpraz understood, and according to a subsequent report, the government has agreed to provide the men with enough pipes to build a five-mile aqueduct from a nearby water source all the way into Sirt, though they’ll reportedly have to lay the pipe themselves. Village leader Ibrahim Sari figures the job will take about a month. Under the circumstances, though, we’re thinking they’ll come in ahead of schedule.
You know all about the old good cop/bad cop routine. Yeah, well, what about real cop/fake cop?
Here’s why we ask (and you may want to get out a piece of paper to diagram what we’re about to tell you): According to Ananova.com, thirty-five-year-old Edmonton, Canada, resident Trevor Roszell, who is not a cop, recently approached an unidentified prostitute and flashed his badge, informing her that he was a cop (though he isn’t a cop) and requesting some free sex, being that he was a cop (which he isn’t) and she was a prostitute. But alas, it was a rough day on the beat for old Trevor, because the prostitute, as it turns out, was not in fact a prostitute, but rather a cop dressed as a prostitute. Naturally, the prostitute (who was a cop) refused to have sex with the cop (who was a john), and instead arrested him. But not for soliciting sex remember, he asked the woman for free sex, and there’s nothing wrong with that (or else we’re all headed for pokey). No, the hapless Roszell was charged in Edmonton’s provincial court for impersonating a police officer and, upon entering a guilty plea, was fined somewhere in the neighborhood of five hundred Canadian dollars. Presumably, he’ll have to pay in real money.
How About “Passion Pimples”?
Here’s a news flash: Christians have sex.
Yeah, we know it can be hard to believe. After all, God-fearing types everywhere suffer from a cruel and undeserved reputation for prudish sexlessness. But then you notice all those little Christian kids running around, and it’s obvious that their parents do, on occasion, have sex. The only question is: What do they say to one another while they’re doing it?
It’s not as frivolous a question as it may seem; at least, it didn’t seem too frivolous to Klaus Heer. See, Heer is a Swiss relationship counsellor, a guy who spends most of his day talking to people about sex. And one thing he’s noticed in that line of work is that sex is a difficult thing for most Christians to talk about literally, actually, since they don’t have or won’t use the necessary vocabulary. That’s why Heer wrote Blissful Words, a dictionary that provides less explicit alternatives for people who want to say those things to one another without having to say those things to one another. Take, for example, brustwarze. That’s German for “nipples” (Mmm, nipples.) But here’s the thing: translated literally, “brustwarze” actually means “breast warts.” (Ick, breast warts.) “How many less erotic words can you think of for this most beautiful part of a woman’s body?” asks Heer, and it’s true, we can’t think of any offhand. “Instead you should use words like buds, heaven’s berries, or love’s eyes.” According to Ananova.com, the Evangelical Academy in Munich has endorsed Blissful Words as a way for lusty Christians to talk dirty without feeling dirty. Kinda makes yer love’s eyes light up, don’t it?
“Then there’s another project which will have a lot of highly explicit sex. I’m just calling it The Untitled Explicit Sex Project.”
Filipino senator Sergio Osmena, discussing the tactics he’s used and would consider using to stall parliamentary action with which he disagrees, as quoted in the Straits Times.
Italian psychologist Willy Pasini, actually decrying house music because it doesn’t make young people think about sex, as quoted on the News 2000 website.
Headline above a front-page story in Palestinian Authority newspaper Al Hayat Al Jadida which charged the Israeli army with sending a semi-nude female soldier into battle to lure Palestinian demonstrators to their deaths. An IDF spokesperson called the charge “completely ridiculous.”
Did we miss any sex in the news? Send the story to email@example.com.