August 1420, 1999
A Norwegian man has one hell of a fish tale to tell this week. Apparently the twenty-eight-year-old swimmer (who went mercifully unnamed in a report in the Oslo daily Verdens Gang) was frolicking with a dolphin off the coast of Norway when the animal began circling him. One thing led to another (you know how it goes), and pretty soon the dolphin was mounting the scantily clad Scandinavian, lodging its porpoise penis (yes, kids, dolphins have penises) between the swimmer’s leg and his swimsuit. “At first I thought it was a fin,” said the man, “but dolphins don’t have fins on their underbellies.” The unfortunate incident could have been avoided had he listened to his friend, a diving instructor who witnessed the attack. The dolphin had made a pass at the instructor just a few moments earlier: “But I was wearing protection: a wetsuit.”
Helen Gurley Brown, meet Hugh Hefner. Hef, Helen.
If one conservative coalition gets its way, the racy, for-women fashion glossies like Cosmo, Mademoiselle and Glamour will take their place alongside only slightly racier, for-men publications like Playboy and Penthouse at retailers nationwide. The New Yorkbased anti-porn group Morality in Media has written a letter asking 350 regional and national supermarkets to stop selling or put wrappers around the women’s magazines. The letter called them “moral trash” (one shudders to consider immoral trash), noting that the suggestive cover lines are inappropriate for children passing through check-out lines.
Apparently Morality in Media isn’t alone in its assessment of the fashion magazines. Former Glamour editor Ruth Whitney told the Columbia Journalism Review that under the new regime, the magazine “has vulgarized sex. You can see the impact that has made on both women’s and men’s magazines. Vulgarized sex has always been around. [Glamour] has mainstreamed it.”
Though the conservative protesters didn’t cite specific headlines, the September Cosmo trumpets such articles as “Twelve Naughty New Sex Positions” and “The Bedroom Trick That Will Blow Him Away,” while the current Glamour boasts “102 Sex-You-Up Secrets.” Warren Couch, direct store delivery coordinator for Florida’s Winn-Dixie Stores, refused to move the magazines, saying, “We know we cannot satisfy every customer based on their individual moral standards.” That explains why they still stock veal.
Norma Rae would be so proud.
Barr’s isn’t the first major labor action in the San Francisco strip bar world: three years ago, dancers at the Lusty Lady strip club unionized, winning a base wage of about ten dollars an hour, plus tips.
There’s a right way to honor a flag and a wrong way. When the flag is printed on a bikini, chances are it’s the wrong way. So says a Brazilian Senate panel, which proposed a ban on using the national flag on clothing or underwear. The move is in response to the national outrage over a magazine photo depicting model Luciana Morad momma to Mick Jagger’s new nenê wearing nothing but Brazil’s yellow, blue and green flag. “One cannot admit the use of the national flag in situations which are not recommended for the sobriety and dignity of a symbol of the nation,” the Commission said in a statement. The proposed law would also ban the use of the flag on curtains, napkins, tablecloths and drapes, among other things.
We already told you about George and Tracy Miller, the husband-and-wife nursing team from Arizona who landed in a hot sponge bath when fellow staffers at Scottsdale Healthcare Osborn Hospital discovered their adult website. Now England’s got its own randy RN: twenty-one-year-old former Brighton University student Emma McAlistair. Apparently the budding Florence Nightingale posed for a range of top-shelf magazines in her nurse’s uniform (or partially in it, at least) in front of Brighton General Hospital, where she worked. The photographs caused a minor uproar and launched an investigation by the Brighton Healthcare NHS Trust. But unlike the Millers, who were ultimately dismissed by their hospital on alleged grounds of sexual harassment, McAlistair will escape punishment, as she’s no longer employed at that hospital.
Quotes of the Week
Claire Danes, telling a blushing Conan O’Brien about a paper she wrote at Yale on female masturbation.
“Nymphomaniac, lecherous, sexually avid.”