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Weekend Review
Quotes of the Week

“There aren’t many virgins in their thirties, but Jen’s about as close as you’re likely to find, certainly in Hollywood.”

— Ben Affleck on Jennifer Lopez

“If you think my friend who is forty is fun, come up here and get some forty-four.”

— Jamie Lee Curtis, presenting a Teen Choice Award to Ashton Kutcher

“I do not have a great body, and it’s not there to be ogled.”

— Avril Lavigne

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex and Already Did

I should be put in charge of studies. Then we’d find out really useful things. For example, I’d figure out if we could capture cell-phone radiation and turn it in to superpowers. I would determine how long someone
could live on just liquor and vitamins. I also have a hunch that the assertion that you can only fold a piece of paper seven times is bullshit. I bet you could do more folds if you had a really big, thin sheet of paper.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the time or resources to find this out, because all funding is going toward reinforcing boring gender stereotypes by collecting evidence that contradicts them, then getting a bunch of doctors to act
surprised. In a recent study conducted by the German Potsdam University, it was established that 25 percent of men between 15 and 25 had, at some point,
experienced unwanted pressure to have sex from a woman. When the age group was limited to above 22, that figure jumped to more than 50%. Doctor Kjell-Olav
Svendsen stated, “It is a myth that men are erotic Boy Scouts who are always
ready.” Then he proceeded to extrapolate claims about the “modern woman,”
who is apparently a raging bitch with a gun and nineteen vaginas, and this,
I am sure, will soon be supported by another study.

Thing 1) Ban on the term “erotic Boy Scout.” No no no no no no no no no. Bad. This choice of phasing says a lot more about Dr. Svendensen’s personal
issues than it does about anything else.

Thing 2) Here is essentially what the study established: Men, even young men, are you know, human. Like, with feelings, and interests, and varying levels of libidinousness. This is not counterintuitive. We should not have needed a study to establish this. And so another opportunity to get a really really big piece of paper and fold it a lot has been squandered. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Entrapment

Recently in Britain, 20,000 horny simpletons applied to star on a new reality-TV show called Lapdance Island. Contestants would be stranded on a tropical isle with forty erotic dancers. The casting sheet read: “…looking for ten hot-blooded males to battle it out as forty lapdancers do everything in their power to make it hard for them.”

Geddit? Contestants would have to endure twenty-four-hour provocation from the beauties, but they wouldn’t not be allowed to touch them. Applicants were asked to fill in a questionnaire, which asked, “What is it about a tropical island inhabited by lapdancers that appeals to you?”

D’oh! Turns out the whole thing was a hoax, perpetrated by a prankish British TV program called The Pilot Show. (But don’t bet against Spike TV snagging the idea and running with it for real.) A previous target was British soap star
Dean Gaffney, who excitedly attached himself to a faux-show called Soul
Searching
, wherein he would be charged with hunting down David Soul, the blond Starsky and Hutch star who was supposedly “in hiding.”

In England, they joke about making shows like this. In America, we actually make them. — Grant Stoddard

A Night to Remember

This week, eighteen-year-old Adrienne T. Samen of South Windsor, Connecticut, got totally wasted at her own wedding and was hauled off during the middle of the reception because she
started hurtling vases and cake at reception-hall workers who closed the
bar.

I guess there is a moral to that story somewhere, and I guess it has to
do with not getting sloshed at your own wedding and attacking people, but I
also think it went right over my head. Grant thinks this girl is trashy, but
I mostly just want to hang out with her. Hi, Adrienne!

Do you see that this is what happens when you get married at 18? Do you see? Think about your significant other when you were a senior in high school — then think about being married to them. I would be married to
a meth freak in bright red UFO pants and a VISOR. Grant would be SPENDING HIS LIFE with a totally unremarkable horse-faced blonde. Adrienne probably
just had a moment of clarity and saw the dark void she was staring in to and flipped out, like any of us would.

And no stories about your grandparents who met when they were thirteen and were married for eighty beautiful years. For the first half of this century, they handed out lobotomies with cavity-fillings and home appliance
purchases, so that explains that. — Carrie Hill Wilner

Say My Name

Here’s a problem that Engelbert Humperdinck will probably never have. Last week, a Brazilian farmer named Valdemar Lopes de Moraes visited a clinic, complaining of a persistent earache. The thirty-nine-year old father of two found it odd that nurses immediately started swabbing down his genitals, but he didn’t question their methods. Some time later, he awoke and discoverd that he had been the unwitting recipient of a vasectomy.

A spokesperson for Montes Claros hospital told reporters that De Moraes mistakenly reported to the “vasectomy room” after Aldemar Aparecido Rodrigues’
name was called. “The strangest thing is that he asked no questions when the doctor started preparations in the area which had so little to do with his ear,” the spokesperson said. “He later explained that he thought it was an ear inflammation that got down to his testicles.” He’s a farmer, okay?

Reportedly, de Moraes doesn’t want to reverse the operation. Don’t think that this kind of blunder could only happen in developing countries. A Texas man is suing doctors who erroneously relieved him of his twig and berries during a bladder cancer operation in 1999. On a hunch that Hurshell Ralls’ bits and pieces were also cancerous, the good doctors
took it all off. Tests later showed no evidence of cancer. Yeah. Hunches are for Nancy Drew and finding good parties. Not for doctors. Agreed? — Grant Stoddard

Our Friend Electra

Carmen Electra, in a recent interview with German FHM (presumably not conducted in German, but perhaps we’re underestimating Carmen) claims to think about sex every twenty seconds. We’re not impressed. But we’re special. Anyway, Carmen had always struck us as kind of a one-trick-pony, but if she’s thinking about something else for those other nineteen seconds, maybe we miscalculated.

What Carmen Electra is thinking about when she is not thinking about sex

1. Is there something in my eye…?

2. No… okay, it’s gone.

3. Gold lamé: good idea or bad idea?

4. Good idea.

5. Puppies are sweet.

6. Es ist furchtbar, im Meere vor Durst zu sterben. Müßt Ihr denn Eure Wahrheit so salzen, daß sie nicht einmal mehr den Durst löscht?

7. Boy, this probation for my drug charges is going to be a problem.

8. Oh wait — that was Yasmine Bleeth. I get her confused with me too.

9. Then why have I been going to see a probation officer?

10. Shit.

11. *profound and unrelenting sadness*

12. Gold lamé: good idea or bad idea?

13. Good idea.

14. …. No, wait, five more seconds…

15. … waiting…

16. Wouldn’t it be funny if they made chalupa meat out of the little dog in the Taco Bell commercial?

17. No, it would be sad.

18. What exactly is a chalupa?

19. Sex

— Carrie Hill Wilner

A Closing Thought

TWR loyalists may have noticed that we did not publish last week. That is because everything in New York City went dark. First we were scared, then we were drunk. It was fun, but now we’re back at work on the endless road trip that is TWR. Carrie and Grant are in the back seat fighting over the last juice box, while Michael is up front hollering that if we do not shut the hell up and let him concentrate on driving, he will turn this car right around and there will be no Six Flags, goddammit. Anyway we would like to invite you to send us your stories of sex during last week’s blackout, in 300 words or less. Email to michael@nerve.com. One winner will be published on TWR and win a special prize to be announced, but it comes in a little envelope!

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