This Week in Sex

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Weekend Review
Red, White and Goo

Since the 1600s the British have helped populate North America, sending over ship after ship of salty seamen. Now Uncle Sam is returning the favor by doing almost exactly the same thing. In a twenty first century take on colonization, gallons of Yankee splooge are being exported to the motherland to help compensate for a sharp drop in domestic donations over the past decade. Another draw for goo traffickers is that American sperm banks typically offer far more details about the appearance, personality and family history of sperm donors than do companies in the United Kingdom. “Intelligence and figures of authority are what most of our customers seek,” says Christopher Arnone, marketing director for the New England center. “And we get more than a few who want, say, a Matt Damon or a Brad Pitt kind of look. No guarantees, of course.” (Statistically there’s a greater chance of getting a Pauly Shore or a Mickey Rooney.) The New England Cryogenic Center requires a family health history dating three generations, a résumé, College Board scores and grade point average, and a three-page questionnaire on life goals, hobbies, TV and movie preferences, even favorite colors and flavors of ice cream. “That’s all well and good, but how many of them could even point to England on a map?” asked one bloke who TWIS pressed for comment in a Wessex alehouse. Environmentalists on both sides of the Atlantic have voiced serious concerns about the transportation of the reproductive mucus. Should the tanker run aground, scientists guesstimate that a tube sock the size of Switzerland would be required for the clean up operation.

Mouse: Never Mind the Bollocks

If you believe the mainstream media tripe, you’d think your average scientist was a humorless dweeb with a giant forehead and a pocket protector. But a report published this week confirms that brainiacs enjoy a good yuk as much as the next guy. Always thinking of ways to play silly buggers with the natural order, scientists have taken one giant surreal step further by actually putting pig and goat’s gonads on mice. Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania grafted tiny specks of testicular tissue onto the newborn mammals induced most of them to grow to fruition and, via in-vitro fertilization, discovered that the sperm produced by those testes was functional. “This is the first report of complete spermatogenesis from tissue grafted across species,” says spokesperson Dr. Ina Dobrinski. Like all good science, it sets the mind alight with possible applications. “Now that we have put nuts on the back of a mouse, we’re going to focus on the greater goals,” lied an unkempt researcher, unsuccessfully trying to hide a large-breasted and mustachioed lobster behind his back, setting off a firestorm of giggles in the smoky staff room.

Old Member

“You can’t take it with you” is the excuse nutty coffin dodgers typically use as they fritter away a lifetime of hoarded cash on mercenary family members, classic cars and homes for infirm felines. This week, an aging German cad has come up with an unusual offer to lure women into his four-poster: promising the last woman he sleeps with an inheritance of $250,000. Rolf Eden, a seventy-two-year-old Berlin disco owner who’s locally famous for his promiscuity, said he could imagine no better way to die than in the arms of an attractive young fraulein — preferably one under thirty. “I want to pass away in the most beautiful moment of my life. First a lot of fun with a beautiful woman, then wild sex, a final orgasm — and it will all end with a heart attack and then I’m gone,” Eden told reporters between fits of maniacal laughter. Wunderbar! Eden, who is selling his popular “Big Eden” nightclub later this year, said applicants shouldn’t wait long. “It could end very soon,” he said, glancing between his wristwatch and the ladies lining up at the coat check. “Maybe even tomorrow.” With her eighty-eight-million-dollar inheritance still hanging in the balance, seasoned gold digger Anna Nicole Smith might consider taking up Eden on his bizarre offer. If Smith doesn’t smother the remaining life out of Eden, perhaps she’ll make him cringe himself to death.

Sea Monster Sucks Cock

Last summer, sharks were the marine animals grabbing all the headlines. Now, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, a smaller yet equally terrifying threat has been found beneath the waves. This week a crafty crustacean in Bor, Yugoslavia, attached itself to a dingy of a different kind. An unnamed man, who was seeking refuge from the summer heat slipped into the shallows for a nap. When the twenty-three-year-old awoke, he found a barnacle stuck between a rock and a soft place. After a horrifying half hour of trying to rid himself of the plucky limpet, the gent took himself and his unwanted guest to the emergency room of a local hospital where a nurse unsuccessfully attempted to remove the penile parasite with tweezers. The crustacean was only detached after the man got an unplanned woody, which stretched the barnacle’s briny limbs, causing it to drop off. Interesting factoid about the barnacle: the barnacle has the largest penis in the animal kingdom, about ten times it’s body size. In human scale that would be a whopping sixty footer. I’m not sure what’s more remarkable; the barnacle’s monster appendage or the fact that a man who had his penis sucked for several hours is complaining.

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